That's why children argue

You fool!" - «Stupid yourself!» - «That's my Lego!» - «No, mine!» - (howling theatrically) «Ouch!». Slamming the door. «Yes, so mean!»

A scenario that parents know well enough. Children argue. Often. Very often. In a matter of seconds, a nice get-together turns into a bitter melee. They get into fights over little things - over the toy that their sister won't hand over, over the last, yes, very last jelly bear that their brother has grabbed.

Is it normal for my children to argue all the time? Many parents ask themselves this question. Am I doing something wrong as a parent or guardian? How should I react to children's arguments? Why do children argue so often?

Controversy is an elixir of life

«Arguing is completely normal,» says Sarah Zanoni, a teacher and coach from Aarau. «According to studies, children argue on average every 20 minutes and learn important life skills in the process, such as finding compromises.»

The younger the children, the more often they argue. «Conflicts are the order of the day in nursery and kindergarten groups,» writes behavioural biologist Gabriele Haug-Schnabel in her book «Grundlagen der Entwicklungsarbeit». She observed a large group of six-year-olds for five hours and observed around 400 arguments. Mostly over small things that were forgotten in less than a minute.

Arguing is the best way for children to get to know their personality.

Children argue because they have to. For them, it is a kind of elixir of life, training on the path to realising their own personality. Experts see the positive side of conflict. «Arguing is a very valuable source of self-esteem and social skills for children,» says Danish family therapist Jesper Juul, for example .

Sarah Zanoni is also convinced that children learn «a lot and a lot of important things» for later life when they argue. «For example, resolving conflicts - making compromises, sharing, swapping or being able to wait your turn. It's almost always about recognising and expressing your own needs. That's important for later life.»

Of course, there are also arguments in kindergarten, where 20 or more children have to get along with each other. So there are many situations in which the four- or five-year-old child has toput their needs onthe back burner. Why is Tobias allowed in the workshop and I have to wait? Why are the boys disturbing the girls in the dolls' corner and why didn't Anna invite me to her party? It doesn't work without an argument.

Disharmony in kindergarten?

To get their place in kindergarten, the children have to assert themselves in a large group. At times they will assert themselves, at other times they will take a back seat. Conflict situations give children the opportunity to learn how to formulate their needs and wishes and gain recognition. In an argument, every child learns that they can win or lose, and they feel that their behaviour has an effect.

The fact that it gets loud and sometimes rude can be stressful.

«It's difficult for parents to put up with disharmony between their children,» says Sarah Zanoni. Especially when it happens all the time. «Parents also fear that the children could hurt each other physically and emotionally.» The noise, which usually goes hand in hand with arguments, can also cause problems. Others, on the other hand, value harmony very highly and see arguments as something negative.

Children learn how to deal with disputes through compromises that they have found themselves.

Margerite Blank-Mathieu, educational scientist

«Many adults believe that it is a desirable goal to avoid or completely prevent children from arguing,» says Margerite Blank-Mathieu, German educationalist and author of specialised books. «Only those who practise dealing with others can empathise with them. Children only learn the right way to deal with disputes by finding compromises themselves.»

Sometimes adults perceive a situation as a dispute that isn't one at all. It is often just a test of strength between children, says Blank-Mathieu. It could be an argument in which children try to outdo each other. ««My brother has ...» is perhaps how it starts, and the other child has a cousin who is even stronger, an uncle who has travelled even further, an experience that was even more terrible,» says Blank-Mathieu.

Tit for tat!

In everyday life, three things in particular give rise to disputes:

• Firstly, ownership claims: children assert these when they want something for themselves.
• Secondly, the maxim «tit for tat» leads to conflicts. Researchers call this the «morality of strict reciprocity»: you do exactly what the other person has done and the behaviour is reciprocated. Verbal disputes also follow this pattern, swear words are repeated and assertions are repaid with counter-assertions.
• Thirdly, it is not uncommon for violence to occur. According to Blank-Mathieu, there is also a reason for this: kindergarten children are not yet able to support this assertive strategy with other, for example verbal, means. This is because their frustration tolerance and impulse control are still being developed.

«Making peace» - how does that work?

Anyone who has ever asked a child how they would resolve an argument will probably know the answer, which is very pragmatic: «Höremer uuf» or «Machemer Friede». As arguing and hitting are identical for many children, stopping hitting is also the end of the argument, which in turn is identical to making up.

Some children reinforce this with certain verbal formulas such as: «Shall we get along again?» This makes it clear that saying a formula is enough to end the argument. Sometimes it is confirmed with a handshake. Children therefore handle this very differently to adults, who are more of the opinion that the person responsible for the dispute must admit their guilt, present this with a certain amount of credibility and ask the other person to apologise.

Getting annoyed about children's arguments always has something to do with yourself.

Perhaps we parents also find it difficult to put up with arguments in the children's room because we have a different concept of friendship. Or our own discomfort in the face of children's conflicts stems from the fact that we find it difficult to admit that things are not always peaceful at home. So getting annoyed about children's arguments always has something to do with ourselves. Parents can ask themselves: Do I want peace and quiet in the children's room above all else? Do I want to support or protect the individual child? Or do I want the children to learn how to resolve conflicts constructively?

When should parents intervene?

Even if children argue all the time, it doesn't mean that they can't resolve their conflicts themselves. This is because it is not easy for outsiders to decide whether an argument is already threatening to escalate or whether it is still a harmless childish trial of strength. What's more, parents are usually miserable judges: «Finding out the «culprit» of the argument is often impossible and only brings frustration,» says Sarah Zanoni. Some educational theories even call for parents not to get involved at all.

«It's not wrong for parents to wait and watch first,» says Sarah Zanoni. However, you should intervene «if one of the children is clearly physically or mentally inferior and there is a risk of injury». It is also legitimate to react if it is too loud.

Another option is to separate the children locally, a kind of time-out. «This promotes the ability to «calm down» again, known in the jargon as «self-regulation»,» explains Sarah Zanoni. If you want your children to argue less in the long term, you should discuss the issue with them at a quiet time. «It's okay to tell your children why you as parents no longer want this constant bickering and fighting.»

The traffic light and bonus system are effective tools.

According to Zanoni, the traffic light system has proven to be effective: Anyone who realises that he or she is entering the orange or red zone should inform an adult in order to find a solution. The bonus system is also good: «Anyone who resolves a conflict calmly or ignores provocations receives a reward point. Several points can be exchanged for an activity or a gift.»

To some extent, however, arguing is also a matter of character. «Socially very active children in particular are involved in arguments more often than others,» says educationalist Mechthild Dörfler, who recently conducted an observational study for the German Youth Institute in Munich. But here, too, it is the «how» of arguing that is decisive and not how often or how loudly children argue.

That's why siblings argue so often

Psychologist Sarah Zanoni explains why the older sibling often gets the short end of the stick in sibling disputes , that boys argue differently to girls and how important the role of adults is.

Mrs Zanoni, is belligerence a matter of character?

A child's innate temperament has a significant influence on their willingness to argue: a temperamental child reacts more quickly and intensively to provocation or conflict than a calm one. Jealousy also often triggers arguments. This is because jealousy is a form of fear of loss - the fear of receiving less affection and love from the caregiver than the other child. Thirdly, frustration tolerance also plays a role: those who get angry at the slightest frustration often get into arguments with others.

Do boys argue differently to girls?

Boys usually argue more directly, i.e. they are quicker to physically attack each other than girls. Boys, on the other hand, often argue loudly and are verbally aggressive - or they scheme. Girls also tend to immediately break up their relationship with their best friend because of an argument - only to break it up again a few days later. Boys prefer to settle things immediately and violently, but the friendship is not called into question.

Why do siblings argue at all?

Siblings are closer than almost anyone else: they spend more time together during childhood than parents do with their children. Conflicts are inevitable. Jealousy plays a major role among siblings, as they measure themselves against each other - often well into adulthood. It is about their own role within the family. The hierarchy is by no means simply determined by age.

Younger children often have a more powerful position than older ones. They are all too often admonished by adults to be more «reasonable» and to subordinate themselves in conflicts. Younger children quickly realise this and make the most of their baby bonus. If you watch closely, you can regularly catch them instigating arguments: The younger one provokes the older sibling until the latter reacts. At this point at the latest, things get loud - the parents enter the scene and scold the older child. The younger child watches in fascination and enjoys what is happening.

Will the argument grow out of control at some point?

In many families, the number of conflicts between children decreases over the years. Siblings who used to constantly annoy each other are suddenly more relaxed with each other during puberty. They have other interests that occupy them. However, this phase can also be very conflictual - precisely because identity and one's own role are defined during puberty. As a rule, however, the open disputes stop at the beginning of adulthood.

Arguing is about recognising and expressing your own needs. This is important for later life.

What do children learn from arguing?

A lot and a lot of important things. For example, resolving conflicts, finding compromises, sharing, swapping or being able to wait your turn. It's almost always about recognising and expressing your own needs. This is important for later life. However, the way in which these needs are expressed and demanded is negotiable. Do I always have to express my displeasure by shouting loudly or using physical force? Do I immediately become verbally aggressive and deliberately hurt the other person? Do I regularly freak out or can I express my concerns in an appropriate way? Am I able to accept a different opinion? These are things that children cannot do on their own. The behaviour of those closest to them (parents, teachers, coaches) is very influential here. The way they deal with criticism, displeasure and needs influences children's behaviour - even if this role model attitude often only bears fruit in adolescence or adulthood. If children are supported and praised in the steps of conflict resolution from an early age, this has a positive effect on their social behaviour.