«Talk to each other honestly but lovingly!»
In a letter to Jesper Juul, a mother talks about her seven-year-old daughter Lena and a conversation she had with her friends Julia and Kim. Julia was allowed to invite two friends to her home for a weekend for her birthday. Julia said to our daughter Lena: «You're invited!» Lena asked if Kim wasn't invited too. Julia: «No, just you and another friend.»
Our daughter then said that Julia didn't necessarily have to talk about this topic in front of Kim if she wasn't invited! Julia replied that Kim could come to the «normal» party, which she was also attending. Our daughter suddenly didn't fancy the weekend and told her friend, who replied: «Then I can invite Kim now.» Kim replied that she didn't feel like it. A lot of feelings came up in me as I listened. I thought about what it would be like for me if someone talked to me like that, sometimes inviting me and sometimes not. What is it like with children? Do they talk about things directly and are they able to deal with things better than us adults? During the conversation, I asked myself several times whether I should say something and, if so, what. I could empathise with both Julia and our daughter. Julia genuinely wanted to invite our daughter. I thought our daughter's response was honest and strong because she simply didn't want to go to the party without Kim. To what extent should I, as an adult, interfere in the relationship between children?
Answer from Jesper Juul
This is a wonderful example of how children inspire adults and challenge their norms and social rules. In short: as a parent, you can go two ways: You can either take the educating and moralising route or the questioning and relationship-building route. We all know the first path. If we take the latter, the children feel «wrong» - regardless of how nice and pedagogical the message is conveyed - and the adults feel «right». End of the story!
Children rarely need judges.
I recommend the other, relationship-building approach. In practice, this means saying to your daughter a few hours later, for example: «Do you remember the conversation you had with your friends today? It was about who was invited to the party and who wasn't. Although I think honesty is important, I was a bit shocked when I realised how honest you were with each other. I wonder if you hurt each other. I don't know. I just know that it would have hurt me. What was it like for you?» These questions can lead to an exciting dialogue between mother and daughter, in which both get to know each other better. The dialogue will also certainly cause your daughter to start philosophising about her relationship with her friends. Perhaps the friend's statement has also hurt your daughter - or she has the feeling that the friends have hurt each other. This conversation gives you the opportunity to share your experience and values with your daughter. Children and young people always need inspiration from adults in order to think and reflect on their own behaviour and opinions. They very rarely need judges. Criticism and prohibitions paralyse, whereas equal dialogue activates and develops the brain.
Children learn best when they observe adults among themselves.
A verbal message can only really be understood if we also know the tone of voice and body language. The three girls in your home seem to have been so «cool» with each other that they were able to confront each other with facts without any anger or shame. I would like to take this opportunity to compliment the parents of these three girls on their success in enabling their children to develop personal language. This can perhaps be described as superficial, but it helps us to protect our own boundaries and those of others. It is very valuable to have social language as well as personal language. Children learn it best and fastest when they observe adults among themselves. Adults often feel the need to teach children how to speak «nicely» to each other. This rarely helps the children's learning process. The most important reason for this is probably that instruction and criticism from adults is not «nice», and it is precisely this behaviour that makes them untrustworthy.
Children should learn to talk about their own thoughts, feelings, experiences and values rather than those of other people.
Feeling excluded or even just the fear of it runs deep in many of us. That's why we also want to protect our children from it. It's a nice thought, but it only happens on a superficial and social level - in other words, in relationships with people who are not particularly important to us. In friendships and romantic relationships, it doesn't work to always be «nice». Sooner or later, we have to learn to show ourselves and say no to small things if we don't want the relationship to fall apart or lead to total self-denial. Honesty, on the other hand, as my opinion of you, is almost never honest. If we need to be honest about our feelings and opinions about other people from time to time, honesty should always go hand in hand with love. This is where children need inspiration and guidance from adults. Children should learn to talk about their own thoughts, feelings, experiences and values rather than those of other people.
This learning begins, for example, when the neighbour's daughter rings the doorbell and asks your daughter if she would like to play with her. If you realise that your daughter says yes but means no, she needs your help to find out how she can best protect her own needs and boundaries without offending or hurting the other person. This is an art that few of us adults have mastered. That's why we often opt for the simplest solution: we teach children to lie in a «nice» way (i.e. untouchably). This also hurts the other person, but we have an alibi, and after many years of practice, the bitter aftertaste disappears - almost!
