«I'm stressed because of a crush»

«Ask Sarah»

I have a crush on a boy at our school. But I don't dare tell him. And I don't want to either. My problem is that the girls in my class found out and are telling everyone. Luckily, he's not in my class, but I'm still worried that he'll hear about it from the others. If that happens, I won't be able to go to school anymore – it would be so embarrassing! I get stressed every time I see him, even from a distance. What should I do?
Ariona, 14

Dear Ariona
You think a boy is cool – that's a wonderful thing and nothing to be ashamed of. Just because you have a crush on someone doesn't mean you want to be with them right away. But that seems to be exactly what your friends think. And of course it's very exciting for them because they can tease you about it.

Unfortunately, many young people enjoy tormenting others. And the more upset you get, the more amusing they find it. They certainly don't want to stop doing it. They also don't realise how hurtful their behaviour is towards you.

Because when it comes to feelings such as affection or infatuation, people are very sensitive. After all, these are very personal matters that you don't want to share with everyone else.

Many people want to make themselves look important by spreading true or false details about others.

Three possible strategies

To stop your classmates from spreading the rumour, I can think of three possible strategies:

1. Just admit that you like this boy. But make it clear that you don't want to be with him because you don't know him very well.
2. Tell your colleagues to stop teasing you about the boy. Tell them that you are no longer interested in him. And that it hurts you when they abuse your trust and spread lies about you.
3. You are using a «white lie» by telling the girls you told about your crush that you met someone else at the weekend. But he's not from your school – and no one can check.

They will probably want to see a photo or chat history – but just tell them that you won't show them because they abused your trust last time and you don't want to risk it again.

I don't really want to encourage you to cheat. But sometimes you just have to find a way to distract others from the topic at hand. After all, it doesn't hurt anyone if you invent a «fake» crush. After two weeks, you can announce that nothing came of it. In the meantime, your school friends might find another exciting topic that has nothing to do with you.

Sensationalism is everywhere

Society and the media greatly encourage sensationalism: people are fundamentally interested in news and exaggerate things that are not really significant. They do not think twice about whether they are hurting someone in the process. The main thing is to have a new story to tell. Many people want to make themselves look important by spreading true or false details about others.

However, this behaviour is not only found in the media, but in almost every family at home. You come home from work, school or shopping and tell each other what you have learned. «Imagine, my boss has a new girlfriend who is probably 20 years younger than him.» «I saw Lena's mum – have they got a new car? The BMW looked really expensive – they must be filthy rich.» Or: «Nico from our class has dyed his hair black, it looks awful!»

It takes courage to say who you think is cool.

Instead of making hasty judgements about others, we should think more often: «Regardless of what I think about it, the other person has the right to be or act the way they want. Maybe they have reasons for it that I don't know about.»

Envy as a driver of rumours

Sometimes spreading rumours is driven by envy. This could also be the case with your colleagues: perhaps they also find your crush attractive but don't dare to admit it. You, on the other hand, have dared to do so. They envy you because it takes courage to say who you think is cool.

Dear Ariona, I think you should try to stand by your feelings. If the boy does find out that you like him, it won't be embarrassing at all. On the contrary, he'll probably be really happy about it. It'll be like a compliment to him. Even if he ignores you, it doesn't matter – you were the one who showed courage. And you can be proud of that!