The children sit eagerly in a circle of chairs. Today is «Friends Day» at nursery school – as it is every week. Right at the start, they are allowed to choose who they want to play with for the whole morning.
«There were lots of conflicts and tears,» says Marta da Silva (name changed), who observed the scene. She was at her daughter's nursery that morning as part of a visitors' morning. «In the end, there were three children left who had to play together,» she recalls. When some of them cried, the teacher simply said, «If that's how it's going to be, we won't do it again next time.» And according to Marta da Silva, it's rare for children to be allowed to choose in this nursery; usually, the teacher divides the children into groups.
This description instantly brings back memories of my own physical education classes: the children stand in a line against the gym wall, and two of them are allowed to choose a team. One by one, they are called up. The same ones are always left behind.
No one cared about how this made them feel. That's just the way it is. You're just not good at gymnastics. Or not very popular. Today should be different – Marta da Silva agrees. She was emotionally affected by «Friendship Day» , even though her daughter neither cried nor was left out: «I think this approach is wrong in every respect. Nowadays, there are surely other ways to choose playmates or groups.»
Children must be allowed to choose
Yes, there are. This becomes clear after talking to three experts who should know: Luzia Bürgi, head of the kindergarten-lower school programme at the University of Teacher Education Zug, Sara Stutz, co-president of the Zurich Kindergarten Association, and Claudia Roebers, chair and head of the Department of Developmental Psychology at the University of Bern.
All three agree that children must be given the opportunity to choose their playmates or work partners. Claudia Roebers says: «If we completely banish this from children's lives in order to avoid disappointment, we are not doing them any favours.» Choosing our partners is important so that we can form stable, long-term social relationships later on. «To do this, we need to be able to try out early on who we get on with and who we don't.»
In addition, «dealing with disappointment is a learning process,» as Luzia Bürgi puts it. And this is precisely one of the tasks of a nursery school: to make children more emotionally competent. Sara Stutz also says: «Here, at the latest, they learn to be one of twenty. This means that they will not always get their turn or be chosen.»
All three experts agree that the frustration, disappointment, sadness or anger that arises in such situations should be addressed by teachers. This means naming the feelings, showing understanding and explaining why the child was not chosen.
The election process is an ideal learning environment for promoting creativity and empathy in children.
Luzia Bürgi, educator
Claudia Roebers emphasises: «The selection process must be socially acceptable. No one should be shamed or humiliated.» So not like in physical education classes in the past. And this is also taught during the course of study, as Sara Stutz, who has been teaching in kindergarten for 16 years, says.
An ideal learning environment
At the University of Teacher Education in Zug, for example, trainee nursery school teachers learn how to deal with the issue of group formation and selection in the subject «Classroom Management». On the one hand, teachers should control the selection process, as Luzia Bürgi says: «If I know which children tend to be left over, I let them choose first.»
On the other hand, it is important to discuss the following questions with the class: How does someone who is always chosen last feel? How can we change the rules to prevent this? «Children are very creative and empathetic. The selection process is an ideal learning environment to encourage this,» says the course director, who used to teach at a nursery school herself.
Explanation for the choice made
Luzia Bürgi knows that younger children in particular can sometimes find it difficult to understand why they are not chosen. «They usually choose someone they like. From around the age of 6 or 7, they start to make more strategic choices.»
An example: Six-year-old Sara chooses Lia for the relay race instead of her four-year-old friend Fabia because Lia can run faster. Fabia starts crying because she thinks Sara no longer wants to be her friend. «In such a case, the teacher must show Fabia that Sara still likes her and chose Lia because of her speed,» says Luzia Bürgi. For Fabia, it is also important to learn that there are things she cannot do, or cannot yet do very well, such as running fast.
Plenty of opportunities available
There are plenty of opportunities to choose partners in kindergarten, even outside of physical education classes: during circle games, pair or group work, free play, break time or when lining up in pairs. When children are allowed to choose and when the teacher decides depends on the latter, says Sara Stutz.
The example of pairs demonstrates how varied the options are: in some nurseries, the teacher divides the children into pairs in August and keeps the class in the same constellation throughout the school year. Other teachers reassign the pairs each time or let the children choose their own partners. Still others assign the pairs at the beginning and then let the children choose later or depending on the situation.
Children should be able to gain as wide a range of experiences as possible with different people.
Claudia Roebers, developmental psychologist
For Sara Stutz, whether she assigns the groups or lets the children choose depends on the goal. If the goal is content-related, such as solving a problem, she puts the teams together herself: «That way, I can either give the stronger children a more difficult task or deliberately mix the groups in terms of ability.» If the goal is social, i.e. for the children to practise working together, she sometimes lets them form the groups themselves. In such cases, time is needed for team building – and for managing emotions.
Breaking habits
For Luzia Bürgi, cooperative learning is a good method for forming groups. In the first step, the children choose their partners. «This is a lengthy process, during which the class also discusses what constitutes a fair team.» Once the teams have been decided, they work together in this constellation for weeks or even months. This allows them to get to know each other better and learn about each other's strengths and weaknesses. The advantage is that once the teams have been decided, time is saved because the children know exactly who they will be working with to complete the tasks.
During free play time, most nurseries allow children to choose what they want to do. However, even here it can be useful for the teacher to occasionally assign tasks or let chance decide who plays with whom. Claudia Roebers is convinced that «children should be able to gain as much experience as possible with different people.» And Sara Stutz says: «They are creatures of habit, just like us adults. It's perfectly fine for them to have to play something different with someone else from time to time. This also helps them get to know other children better.»
What to do in case of exclusion?
Playing during break time is completely free – and children naturally choose who they want to play with. Sometimes this choice also means exclusion. The same applies in private life. Should teachers or parents intervene in this case? For Sara Stutz, it's clear: «Basically, all children are allowed to play and there are no bosses who say: You're not allowed on the climbing tower. Nevertheless, it must be possible to say: No, I don't want to play with you in the family corner right now, I'd rather play with the others in the building corner.»
If someone is excluded or rejected, experts recommend first observing what the conflict is about. However, if the exclusion continues over a longer period of time, targeted intervention is essential. «The teacher should address this with the class,» says Luzia Bürgi. If a child is unable to connect with others, she knows a simple trick: «I start playing with them myself. Usually, other children quickly join in, after which I can withdraw from the game.»
It is painful for parents when their son or daughter is excluded or is one of those left out during selection. What can they do when their child tells them about this at home? Listen and show understanding for their feelings. «As a first step, parents can ask why they think they are not being chosen, what the other child might be thinking and what they themselves would do if they were in their place,» says Luzia Bürgi.
It is also important to show the child that they are not helpless. For example, they can raise their hand when it is time to vote or tell the teacher how they feel in such situations. Children who find it difficult to approach others and get involved benefit from being able to gain experience playing with others in a private, manageable setting.
No professional criticism
If your child talks about such situations more and more and is clearly suffering as a result, parents should take notice. «Then you should definitely talk to the teacher as soon as possible,» says Claudia Roebers. Luzia Bürgi emphasises that parents should not blame the teacher, but simply describe what the situation triggers in their child and how they perceive it.
So far, so clear – in theory. But not all nursery school teachers apply the new methods or pick up on children's emotions – as the Friends Day described at the beginning shows. Are parents allowed to criticise teachers for their methods or behaviour? Marta da Silva thought long and hard about this. In the end, she decided against it – partly because she didn't know how to voice such criticism and whether it would reflect badly on her daughter.
I keep noticing how wrong you can be in your assessment of situations if you don't know the context.
Luzia Bürgi, educator
Luzia Bürgi thinks this decision is right. «As a parent, it is not my place to offer professional criticism unless I am asked to do so,» she says. «I have been visiting classrooms for 30 years and have repeatedly noticed how wrong you can be in your assessment of situations if you don't know the context.»
When parents intervene, this usually disrupts the relationship between the family and the teacher. Instead, Luzia Bürgi advocates empowering your own child, teaching them strategies for dealing with their feelings and communicating them. Because: «Later in life, they will continue to encounter people who will disappoint or hurt them, whether intentionally or unintentionally.»
