Surrounded by narcissists?
There are warnings everywhere about narcissistic partners and parents: not without providing readers or viewers and listeners with appropriate «diagnostic tools» such as «9 phrases to recognise narcissistic parents» or «Is your partner a narcissist? These four characteristics indicate it!»
This attribution does not stop at children either: countless articles threaten that we are raising our offspring to be little narcissists and selfish, unfit-for-life tyrants.
A large-scale study led by psychologist Eunike Wetzel at the University of Konstanz, which was conducted with over 60,000 young adults over 30 years, shows the opposite: narcissism has steadily declined in both genders since the 1990s.
Narcissists have no choice
But what exactly is narcissism? The term originates from a figure in Greek mythology. The beautiful Narcissus, an idolised bachelor, does not respond to any of his admirers' advances and is cursed by the goddess of revenge Nemesis as punishment for his arrogance: he is condemned to fall in love with his own reflection. One day he is reflected in the surface of a spring and is so spellbound that he cannot tear himself away - until he finally withers away and turns into a meaningless daffodil.
While the narcissism club is swung very quickly in society, narcissistic personality disorder, as described in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DMS-5), is very rare. It usually begins in early adulthood and is characterised by a profound pattern of several symptoms: Affected individuals have an exaggerated and unfounded sense of being a special and great person. They expect constant admiration and preferential treatment from others and often only want to socialise with particularly respected people.
Their thinking is dominated by the idea of being or becoming infinitely powerful, successful, beautiful and intelligent. They often treat their fellow human beings without empathy and exploit them for their own benefit. To the outside world, they quickly come across as arrogant and overbearing. Envy plays a central role in their everyday life, either because they are envious of other people or because they are convinced that they envy them.
A narcissistic personality disorder is only diagnosed when these characteristics are so pronounced and inflexible that they lead to considerable problems for those affected in various areas of life such as work, relationships, friendships and family, or they and/or other people suffer as a result.
Pampered or disregarded?
While everyone shows narcissistic tendencies in certain situations, for example by showing off, sometimes reacting with little empathy or making themselves the centre of attention, people with narcissistic personality disorder remain trapped in their behaviour, even if this puts them at a massive disadvantage.
The development of this disorder is thought to be caused by a combination of genetic factors and environmental conditions. Several psychological theories assume that upbringing plays a significant role. Social learning theory, for example, sees narcissistic traits as the result of excessive parental coddling and the constant message to one's own child that he or she is something very special and extraordinary and therefore deserves special treatment.
It is becoming increasingly common in conflict situations for someone to be prematurely labelled as a narcissist. This also clarifies the question of guilt.
Other theories assume that narcissism develops when children experience too little encouragement, recognition and love from their caregivers or have to fight hard for this through outstanding achievements. In many explanations, the exaggerated, grandiose self is also seen as a strategy to compensate for very low self-esteem. In research, there is individual evidence for various explanatory approaches - but a clear causal model has not yet crystallised.
Children or partners who live with a person with a narcissistic personality disorder are exposed to considerable suffering. This is because there is often no room for their own needs, goals and wishes: they feel invisible. They are usually under pressure to behave impeccably and never to criticise or offend the person affected. They are also often subjected to devaluation, withdrawal of love, emotional outbursts and psychological violence.
Family members sometimes have to act as status symbols, but always make sure that they do not draw too much attention away from the person concerned. Mutual trust usually suffers in these families. You never know which great stories you can believe about the person concerned because narcissists lie more often, find it difficult to empathise with others and can hardly offer their relatives any real emotional support.
An attribution with consequences
The omnipresence of the topic of narcissism and the considerable coaching market that has emerged from it sometimes worries me. It is becoming increasingly common in conflict or separation situations for one partner, usually the man, to be prematurely labelled as a narcissist. The parent who labels the other with this self-imposed diagnosis suddenly seems exonerated. Not only is a «clear reason» found for the breakdown of the relationship, but the question of guilt is also clarified.
In these cases, a conflict for which both parents should take responsibility becomes a clear perpetrator-victim scheme. From this perspective, it is apparently only «logical» to minimise contact with the other parent and influence their own children in the appropriate direction.
It is almost impossible for a partner who has been labelled a narcissist to convince those around them otherwise. Any attempt at contact, any explanation, justification, but also honest understanding or an admission of guilt for one's own mistakes, even a good word about the ex-partner, can be interpreted as an attempt at manipulation.
As important as it is for those actually affected and their families to get the support they need, it is also important to beware of unprofessional and hasty attribution of such a serious diagnosis.
