Starting school: The new role of parents

The first class decides the rest of your life! This sentence sounds exaggerated, but the way we look at the start of school makes it seem relatively coherent. While parents focus a lot on their child, their development and the milestones they have personally achieved in the years before, the view usually changes quickly when they start primary school.

Before, there was joyful waiting and celebration when the first steps were taken, the first word came out of the child's mouth, they were able to say «Thank you!» at some point or no longer hit in a tantrum. Now, behaviour is suddenly viewed with more suspicion, assessments and grades become more important and the comments of other parents may become more relevant.

Parents look outwards: How well is our child received? How well does it compare to the others? Pressure arises and often easily becomes greater than the joy of being together.

Keep your eyes on the child

Such a change in perspective is not favourable for the parent-child relationship and therefore also for the child's development. It is important that parents remember what or who school is actually about: not about the best performance, standing out as little as possible or the greatest school-leaving certificate, but about the child. This should remain the focus.

In addition to maths, reading and writing, there are numerous other areas that are immensely important for personal development. These include, for example, the formation of a realistic self-image, a more mature way of dealing with emotions and the development of independence. Children therefore need space, learning opportunities and support both in and outside of school in order to develop these numerous skills and competences.

Successful learning at school depends above all on the strength of relationships, not on concepts.

Secondly, the first few years of school are important for settling into the school system. Anyone who feels reluctant to go to school as early as third grade will find it difficult to stay motivated for the rest of the year. That's why the child and their desire to go to school should always be at the centre of every difficulty that arises: How do we motivate them? How do we tackle the problem without jeopardising their enjoyment of learning? Not: How do we get from a 4 to a better grade?

This attitude requires relationship work instead of pressure. From the teachers, within the classroom community and from the parents. Current educational research shows that successful learning at school depends less on how sophisticated and modern the concepts are, how great the materials used are or how clean and attractive the school building is. It depends above all on the strength of relationships. What is behind this?

Parent-child relationships are strong when ...

• ... parents know their child well: What is their child's nature and what does the child need from them? What are the developmental tasks of his current age group and what support do they require?
• ... parents have sensitivity and can sense: What does the child need right now - more letting go or a lot of closeness and security? How much independence can it already live? Where should I not stand in their way? And also: What are they looking forward to? What is it afraid of? What feelings are still raging inside him?
• ... attachment security has developed: basic trust in the child that it can rely on its caregivers so that it is able to cope with stress and challenges.
• ... parents can take responsibility for the relationship: Even when things get stressful and a child may act in a very challenging or even abusive manner, adults have a role to play in reaching out again and again and not giving up on the relationship.

How do you live these four areas?

1. development tasks

During the first few years of primary school, a child has a lot to manage. Challenges such as developing a healthy self-image, regulating their emotional life, becoming more independent and more competent in their interactions with others have already been mentioned. Other developmental tasks include, for example, coping with changes in thinking and the changing body, learning how to conduct conversations better or deal with criticism, practising time organisation and media skills.

What can we already trust our child to do and where does it still need time and support?

We tend to think of much of this in adolescence, but a lot of it starts in the years before the tenth birthday. It is important to keep these challenges in mind and to keep asking ourselves: What can we trust our child to do and where does he or she still need time and support? Parents should also familiarise themselves with their child's personality and consider, for example, whether they tend to be shy or impulsive. Only with this knowledge can a parent correctly assess the child's behaviour, reactions and needs.

Tips for dealing with a shy child

Let me give you an example: A seven-year-old girl, let's call her Luisa, is becoming increasingly quiet at home. She has always been very shy, so her father says there's nothing to worry about. Her mother is offended that Luisa doesn't want to talk at all. It's good that her father thinks about Luisa's nature, but neither parent takes a comprehensive look at the child and the possible reasons for the change in behaviour.

Luisa may not feel comfortable in class at the moment and a conversation with the teacher could give parents a better sense of whether their daughter is well integrated. However, she may also be unsettled by unpleasant experiences with a friend, a poor assessment or new thoughts that are now possible due to cognitive maturation. If parents take these possibilities into account, they can approach their child much more openly, make suggestions for conversations, offer hugs and give Luisa the strong relational support she needs.

2. fear and other feelings

Many feelings can grow during the school years and sometimes need new strategies in order to be processed. This can often be anxiety, especially when it comes to school topics. However, it is important to differentiate between child anxiety and parental anxiety. Children often worry much less than adults before they start school because they don't yet know exactly what to expect at school. Especially when children are starting school, the here and now is much more relevant than what might happen in a few months' time.

If parents have good contact with their child, it draws strength from this to overcome challenges.

We adults tend to be quick to see things in a negative light and to overestimate some things. Our own bad experiences with school can get in the way of focussing on the here and now and our child. It is advisable to take your time to sort yourself out and process your own fears in order to be able to accompany your child freely. Parents can then listen openly to their new school starter in order to be able to sense his or her own fears without putting anything in the child's mouth. However, a child may be worried about completely different aspects than mum or dad.

3. stress

If a child grows up with secure attachments and strong relationships, they will also start their school career more securely. The stress theory knows that the child will find many things easier, including learning at school, coping with comparisons or other pressure and unpleasant moments in the classroom.

This means that if we parents are aware of our child's nature, developmental tasks and feelings and are in good contact with them, they will experience a strong and supportive relationship and receive the strength from us to overcome a wide range of challenges.

The child then has a feeling of basic trust, stress resistance and confidence. If there are unpleasant moments in everyday school life, they can confide in their parents or other carers and tackle problems, which gives them the opportunity to remain open to learning.

4. parental responsibility

As a parent, you therefore remain responsible for maintaining a strong and lasting relationship with your child. At the same time, you have to continue to let go and allow the child to act with increasing independence and self-efficacy. What sounds good and simple is, in practice, a balancing act that is not easy for every mum or dad: When do I have to support my child? When can I just let them do it, even if they struggle at first?

In order to better assess everyday situations, this guiding principle may help: It's nice to give your child attention and care. But if I always go beyond my own limits or stand in the way of the child's development, it's too much of a good thing and spoiling becomes something negative.

Starting first grade is by no means decisive for the rest of your life.

This is shown by the example of six-year-old Ben and his mum: Ben always has a lot of stress doing his homework. His mother always tries to support him - and ends up filling in the maths sheet instead of him. She then writes an email to the teacher about how unfair and difficult the tasks are.

The mother becomes entangled in a daily conflict that she can barely cope with, does not seek meaningful change and support for her child and does not encourage her to seek dialogue with the teacher herself. The seemingly spoiling situation is not at all beneficial for mother and child. She could tackle the problem together with Ben and look for a real solution.

Contrary to what is often assumed, the start of first grade is by no means decisive for the child's entire later life. However, the attention of parents, their empathy and any investment in the parent-child relationship during the school years increase the likelihood of a positive outcome.

Book tip

Inke Hummel: Together through the primary school years. Strengthening relationships and providing calm support. How your child can cope with everyday school life. Humboldt 2023, 224 pages, approx. 37 Fr.