«Sooner or later, every child finds a friend»
Greta and Tim like to play together. They both like the role-playing games in the family corner at nursery school. Greta is the more dominant one, she often comes up with the ideas for the games, Tim always makes them laugh together. The two are friends. When asked why Tim is her boyfriend, Greta says that Tim is just funny. And Tim in turn explains that Greta has good ideas.
Ms von Salisch, good ideas and humour - is that a common recipe for friendships at kindergarten age?
Absolutely! That's all it takes. Children start making friends at around three to four years of age. These are usually purpose-orientated and activity-based - they are based on shared interests. Fun suggestions for playing are enough for Greta and Tim and most children of that age.
How exactly do children make friends?
It's simple: one child takes the other by the hand and asks: «Do you want to play with me? Do you want to be my friend?»
And if the other one says «no»?
Then the child tries again the next day. And the day after that. Children are incredibly persistent when it comes to achieving something. Making friends, winning them over and then keeping them is one of a child's greatest independent social achievements.
And yet there are parents who worry that their child won't make any friends one day.
I can reassure you: 98 per cent of all children of kindergarten age make friends. The main interest at this age is in playing, and that is simply more fun together. Playing alone, whether role-playing, hide-and-seek or football, is not appealing to most children at this age.
And yet, it's not quite that simple, as Maria von Salisch then explains: «Certain children find it difficult to make friends. They get into trouble and can't find access to existing groups. In such situations, the teachers in kindergarten are called upon to help. They can "coach» such children, for example by asking them at the right moment whether they can play in a group. If a child joins with an idea of their own, the idea is often rejected.
Teachers are familiar with such situations and can interpret the inviting signals of the other children and help with translation if a child finds it difficult, Maria von Salisch continues. Kindergarten is therefore the ideal place to make friends. These friendships are then deepened during free time.
How often should a child meet their friends outside of kindergarten?
There is no rule. Spending time with good friends is simply fun. It's the same for children and adults alike. Children in particular want to see their friends as often as possible. We parents have to find a good balance: The first years of kindergarten are very stressful, so it's important that the children also get some peace and quiet.
We should not damage our children's self-esteem by questioning their choice of friends.
Now the child has found a friend that you don't like at all. Can you talk children out of their friends?
I am in favour of the child's freedom of choice here. There is something exciting about the other child! As parents, we should first accept that. We could find out what exactly the child finds so great about the other child. Is it the Barbie collection? Or the big brother with the Carrera track? The child has found a friend and we should respect that as long as nobody suffers as a result.
What was it like with your children?
With our children, we always made sure that we never said a bad word about a particular friend. The other way round, we tried to encourage more «acceptable» friends. «Wouldn't you like to take Emma to the swimming pool?», for example. That was usually more effective than actively «wanting to unfriend». We didn't want to damage our children's self-esteem by questioning their choice of friends.
Can parents influence who their child befriends?
At that age, usually yes. If you have a good friend with a child of a similar age and do cool things together, the children usually find each other in activities that are fun for both of them. However, as they get older, making friends becomes more difficult and they tend to choose their friends based on psychological motivations rather than purely activity-based ones. The older the child, the more difficult it becomes for them to get on with their friends' children. We should respect this and give the child the choice.
What influence do friends have on personality development?
Friendships are essential for social skills. Friends pose moral problems for each other - they don't always do what they think the other person should do. They don't keep an appointment or prefer to meet up with another child. Children mature through the subsequent negotiations.
Making and keeping friends takes time and costs a lot of energy.
What happens when children argue?
Playing with friends is fun, but arguing with friends is less so. Conflict resolution also needs to be learnt. Parents and nursery school teachers should first wait and observe when children argue. Often a solution is found that adults would not have thought of, but which is perfectly acceptable to the children involved.
Children sometimes exclude each other in play. How should you deal with this?
In principle, regular exclusion can also be bullying in kindergarten. Teachers must then take action. On the other hand, not wanting to play with certain children is part of making friends.
What can parents or teachers do in such cases?
The first thing I would do is to talk to the excluded child. Why does he or she think he or she is being excluded? Is it bad for him or her? Can he or she see a way to find access to the game? For example, I noticed that my son's group once refused to let another boy play football. When asked about this, my son said that the other boy was simply not following the rules. It's worth taking a closer look and talking to the children.
What about the remaining two per cent who don't make any friends?
There are many different reasons why these children don't have friends. Some don't want to, others may have deeper problems. Ultimately, however, these children also make friends, just perhaps a little later or on a different level. Making and keeping friends takes time and a lot of energy, you also have to be able to overcome difficult moments and resolve conflicts. Children are usually better at this, we adults sometimes just have to be a little patient.
