«Sometimes I force my daughter to go out»

Mum: It's about my eight-year-old daughter. She has no friends and is very shy. Sometimes I find this so hard to bear that I get really angry.

Counsellor: I can well imagine that this is challenging. As a parent, you want your child to be happy and feel included. Has this been the case for a long time?

Mum: It's actually always been an issue. She often spends her free time alone. It now stresses me out so much that I have sleepless nights.

I was an outsider as a child. Now I'm afraid that the same thing will happen to my daughter.

Mother

Counsellor: I have the impression that we should focus on two things: How your daughter can be supported and how you can deal with the situation better yourself. How does that sound to you? Which topic do we want to start with?

Mum: Yes, that sounds good. I would like to start with myself. I feel overwhelmed and don't know how I can support my daughter. I often get angry. Sometimes I almost force her to go out and play with the others. And afterwards I'm ashamed of my angry reaction.

Counsellor: It's impressive how well you can sense what's going on inside you. You realise yourself that your anger is not helpful for your daughter. Do you have any idea where this feeling is coming from?

Mum: I had great difficulty making friends as a child and at some point I became an outsider. Now I'm afraid that the same thing will happen to my daughter.

Counsellor: That's understandable. It's good that you recognise so well how your own childhood experiences are linked to the fears surrounding your daughter. It is helpful to become aware of this connection and to separate your daughter's feelings from your own. You want so much for your daughter to feel socially included. The impression that she is suffering from the situation triggers a feeling of powerlessness, which often expresses itself in anger. But as difficult as it sometimes is, we can only accompany our child, endure the situation and trust that she will find her own way. Perhaps this thought will help you to categorise anger differently. Have you ever thought about what you would have wished for from your parents as a child?

Mum: I would have liked them to listen to me, understand me and tell me that I am good the way I am. Now I realise that this is exactly what I want to give my daughter, but I often don't know how.

Consultant: A valuable thought! You are already doing a lot of things right. You have an appreciative relationship with your daughter, you offer her a loving, reliable and available environment. It strengthens your daughter to feel that all her feelings are allowed to be there and that she is seen in her sensitivities. This gives her the emotional security she needs for self-confident social relationships.

Mum: But how do I manage not to get angry at times like this?

Don't be too hard on yourself if you do get angry.

Counsellor

Counsellor: In situations like this, it helps to pause for a moment, take a deep breath and get some distance. This allows you to think about how you want to react instead of acting impulsively. And don't be too hard on yourself if you do get angry. You can explain to your daughter that your anger has nothing to do with her, but with your own feelings. Your daughter can learn that you are still learning as a mother.

Mum: It helps me that you say that. Sometimes I'm just stressed or tired and then it's harder for me.

Counsellor: Being a parent is a huge and responsible task. That's why it's also important to look after your own resources. How do you manage to do something good for yourself in between?

Mum: I try to take little breaks in my everyday life. Jogging, for example, helps me to switch off and see things from a distance.

Counsellor: That sounds good. Self-care is incredibly important to stay in balance. Shall we now focus on your daughter? How does the situation affect her, what do you think?

Mum: She already wants friends, that's what she says. And I can see it in her eyes when she looks out of the window and still doesn't dare go outside with the neighbour's children. That breaks my heart.

Counsellor: Your daughter is at an age when friendships are only slowly becoming stronger. Time can help. To show your daughter understanding, you can ask her if she is a little afraid of approaching other children and explain to her that many people are afraid of being rejected. You can work through with her how she can socialise with other children. Together you could think about how she can socialise. Perhaps she pursues a hobby where she meets other children?

Mum: Yes, she goes to athletics training twice a week. She gets on well with the other children there.

Ask your daughter if she would like to take a child from the class on an excursion.

Counsellor

Counsellor: That's nice and strengthens her for further social relationships. Perhaps you could suggest that she meet up with one of the girls outside of training? Or perhaps you could get to know the neighbourhood children better by organising a barbecue evening with another family. Or ask your daughter if she would like to take a child from her class on an outing. You could also consider getting the teacher on board.

Mum: Those are good ideas. I just remembered, we have new neighbours with children of a similar age, we can try that out.

Counsellor: That would definitely be worth a try.

Mum: Thank you for talking to me. It helped me to realise that I am already doing a lot of things right. The question about what I would have wished for as a child was particularly helpful.

This protocol is a highly abbreviated recording of a longer counselling session, reduced to the essentials. Our aim is to provide an insight into our work and to give readers food for thought on similar issues.

Yvonne Müller, Co-Head of the Parents' Emergency Call Centre