Separated: How both parents stay with the child
Recently, one of my course participants spoke about her family life after the separation. «My husband and I are still arguing a lot and our daughter is seeing it. That's not good,» she said. And: «I would therefore think it would be better if Laura only went to her father at the weekend instead of switching back and forth between the two of us every week.» Then, in her opinion, there would be less conflict.
Remaining well-cooperating parents despite a separation is challenging for various reasons. Emotional wounds often persist and destructive communication patterns must first be overcome. This makes child-orientated solutions difficult. The idea of being able to ignore the other parent in order to achieve inner peace seems tempting. However, this view can have serious consequences for the child's development.
Fathers are increasingly demanding their right to be a part-time or full-time father during the week as well. Often for the good of the child.
It is undisputed that children can cope well with separation under certain conditions. This is also the opinion of scientist, lawyer and psychologist Jorge Guerra González. He has analysed adult children who have been separated. The results of his study were published in autumn 2022.
His report states that children who are separated have a harder time later in life than children from intact families, especially if the parents are unable to keep their conflicts away from the children - and their bond with one parent suffers as a result. «The worst thing parents can do is to transfer the couple's conflict onto the children and deprive them of a parent,» says Guerra González.
Better a part-time father than a weekend father
Since the introduction of joint custody in the event of separation and divorce in 2014, parents have increasingly been living with alternating custody. Fathers are increasingly demanding their right to be a part-time or full-time father during the week as well. This is often to the benefit of the child, as children who are able to maintain a close relationship with both parents after separation strengthen their physical and mental health.
Research speaks of around five per cent of parents who are highly divisive. They do not manage to contain conflicts in favour of the children.
The majority of mothers and fathers are able to talk to each other appropriately after the separation and also implement amicable solutions for their child. They have left the couple level behind them and realise that they remain connected as parents. At the parental level, they clarify in face-to-face or telephone conversations who will go to the morning visit or take the child to the weekend tournament, for example. These parents live the so-called «co-operative parenting model».
«Children whose needs are recognised and who experience their parents as capable of constructively mastering relationships and everyday life have good reason to start life with confidence,» says sociologist Muriel Degen from the University of Basel.
The other part of the parents, however, does not manage to contain conflicts in favour of the children and discuss their offspring in an objective manner. The boundaries between contentious and highly contentious are fluid. Research suggests that around 5 per cent of parents are highly contentious.
No more wrangling over responsibilities
The «parallel parenting» model is recommended so that separated children can still have both parents and develop in a healthy way. In this model, each parent sets their own rules for their time with the children and avoids joint appointments, events or experiences.
2. Wechselmodell oder alternierende Obhut:
The parents share custody of the child, but the child only resides with one parent under civil law. The child alternates between the father and mother, for example every week or fortnight. More and more parents are living the alternating model with their child, in which the child's centre of life remains the same.
3. Nestmodell:
The child remains resident in the family home, where he or she lives alternately with the father and mother. Each parent also has their own flat.
The greater the parenting responsibilities of both parents, the more there is to clarify. This is where the co-operative or parallel parenting model comes into play. If conflicting parents are not working together well for the child, they should have the responsibilities between them regulated by an external organisation.
In order for this parallel caring and parenting to succeed, a great deal of communication is required in advance. The negotiated responsibilities are then set out in writing and must be bindingly adhered to. The following four areas affect parents most frequently:
School: Parents can agree who will go to the school talks and parents' evenings and how the other parent will be informed. For example, they can alternate annually. If there are two children, they can divide the responsibility between them. After school meetings, the teacher can also send the minutes to the other parent.
At parents' evenings, the father can take a photo of the notes and send them to the mother via Messenger or email. It is helpful to inform the teacher about the different responsibilities. «At first, I didn't even think about talking to our son's teacher about our family situation, but in hindsight she is more understanding of him,» parents report back during counselling.
Experience has shown that teachers are grateful for the information. They are often also prepared to have a separate discussion with the other parent, as they are concerned about the well-being of their pupils.
Staying parents after separation - the series at a glance
Teil 1 Das kooperative und das parallele Elternmodell
Teil 2 5 Tipps zur friedvollen Kommunikation
Teil 3 Wie löse ich den Loyalitätskonflikt meines Kindes?
Teil 4 5 Ideen, wie das Betreuungswochenende gelingt
Teil 5 Neue Liebe, neues Glück – und wie geht es den Kindern?
Hobby: Each parent plans a leisure activity for the child during their own childcare hours. If the hobby affects the childcare times of both parents, the caring parent should take care of dropping off and picking up the child. Performances and sports tournaments are attended alternately or the parents take care not to meet at the events.
There are children who insist that mum and dad come to the football match despite their conflicts. If parents can overcome this, they are held in high esteem, as this step demands a lot from them emotionally.
Health: There are parents who cannot go to the doctor together with their child because there is a risk of arguments. «It helps me that the doctor talks to the father separately, otherwise I go home upset,» said one mother in the counselling session. This may sound complicated, but it is valuable for the child because it doesn't experience a stressed mother and the father is still involved.
It therefore pays off if one parent is responsible for the medical issues and the other obtains medical information directly from the doctors or therapists. Appointments are notified in writing by email. In an emergency or in the event of illnesses such as colds or flu, the caring parent goes to the doctor.
Care arrangements: Depending on how extensive a care arrangement has been ordered by the court or the KESB, there may be more or less open points that need to be clarified. These include the location and times of child handovers on care days and holidays.
To avoid arguments, it is recommended that when splitting two holiday weeks, the holiday week should follow on from one parent's childcare weekend and fixed handover times should be set. To avoid parents arguing about the child's birthday, some parents agree that the child spends the day with the carer and has dinner with the other parent.
Short messages often lead to a ping-pong exchange that can become emotionally charged. It is advisable to communicate via email.
There are various options; it is important that parents come to a fixed agreement so that they don't have to negotiate later. Once these issues have been settled, each parent goes about their own daily routine with the child. If there is an issue that needs to be clarified, text messages such as SMS are less useful than emails. Communication via text message harbours a greater risk of ping-pong exchanges that could become emotionally charged. This is precisely what needs to be avoided in the parallel parenting model.
- Children of separated parents who grow up with both a father and a mother develop in a physically and mentally healthier way than children with only one parent.
- Immer mehr Kinder werden von beiden Elternteilen betreut (alternierende Obhut oder auch Wechselmodell), verfügt durch das Gericht oder die KESB.
- Nicht immer gelingt es Eltern nach einer Trennung, ihre Konflikte beizulegen, was bei Kindern zu Belastungsstörungen führen kann, die bis ins Erwachsenenalter spürbar bleiben.
- Getrennten Eltern, die sich nicht spontan oder regelmässig persönlich über ihr Kind austauschen können, kann das Modell der sogenannten parallelen Elternschaft helfen.
- In der parallelen Elternschaft werden Zuständigkeiten – zum Beispiel Schulthemen, Hobbys, medizinische Angelegenheiten, Betreuungsmodalitäten – schriftlich fixiert und eingehalten.
- Die kantonalen Familienhilfestellen beraten betroffene Eltern in der Ausgestaltung des Modells der parallelen Elternschaft. In Basel, Zürich und St. Gallen können hochstrittige Eltern vom Gericht oder von der KESB in eine angeordnete Beratung geschickt werden, um eine Betreuungsregelung auszuarbeiten.
