Rebellious at home - very well-behaved at school

Hannah's parents listen in disbelief to the teacher's comments in the school assessment interview. Her daughter works very independently and conscientiously, participates actively in lessons, follows the rules without any problems and treats the other children and teachers with great respect.

While the teacher goes through the competency grid, the parents look at each other questioningly: Is this the same Hannah who complains about almost every lunch at home, blows up over little things and slams doors? Your Hannah, who often asks for help with her homework but then doesn't accept it? Who can spend half the afternoon sulking when things don't go her way and covers her brother with nasty swear words?

It is not uncommon for parents and teachers to see the same child in very different ways. Studies on this topic have repeatedly come to the conclusion that there is often surprisingly little overlap between parents' and teachers' assessments of children's behaviour.

On the one hand, Hannah's parents are relieved that the teacher is so happy with their daughter. However, the feedback also hits them a little hard and raises questions on the way home: «Why does it work so well at school and not at home? Are we not strict enough at home?»

When the ego gets tired

Some children find it easy to adapt to the school environment. They enjoy the time in the group, the hustle and bustle in the playground, feel optimally challenged by the content of the lessons and can concentrate without too much effort.

Hannah enjoys going to school and gets good grades, but the school day tires her out. Her brain is working at full speed to process the many stimuli around her: There is the noise, the many children in a confined space, the need to adapt flexibly to ever-changing demands, the need to adhere to rules.

You have to listen to the teacher with focus or solve a worksheet, while perhaps the special needs teacher is explaining something to a classmate in the background and two others are whispering. You have to observe what's going on socially and find your role in the group, you have to put up with critical feedback and frustration here and there - and hardly any opportunities to retreat.

I often feel like a lightning rod onto which all the tension of a school day is discharged.

A mother

At the end of the school day, Hannah's energy tank is empty. She comes home, wants to let go and no longer «have to». When her parents bombard her with questions and want to know how she did at school, whether she has homework and when she wants to practise the clarinet, she reacts monosyllabically at first, then explodes.

Children like Hannah first need a real break where they can be by themselves and recharge their batteries. Some want to listen to music or a radio play in peace in their room, others need to be able to move around. I myself liked school and found the lessons mostly exciting. And yet I needed a short nap until my A-levels.

However, when we are overstimulated, we often don't realise that we are exhausted. At this moment, it helps if someone from outside makes the suggestion: «That was a long day at school - do you want to rest a little?»

Find out together when the child needs a break

The mother of a boy with learning difficulties told me: «My son pulls himself together incredibly at school. When he comes home, you realise all the tension that has built up during the day. I often feel like a lightning rod onto which everything is unloaded as soon as he walks through the door. It doesn't help if I'm also strict with him and tell him that he's too old for this theatre.»

It is helpful if you set out together with the child to find out what is causing the barrel to overflow, what makes them realise that they need a break and what will do them good.

Whenever we say: «This child is ...», we can better say: «In this context, the child behaves in a certain way».

Joel's parents are also confronted with an unusual image of their son at his school assessment. At home, he is such an open, sensible boy who is easy to talk to, knows how to express his feelings, is eager to learn about the world and lovingly cares for his younger brother. How does the teacher come to describe him as a distractible and uninterested, often dominant pupil who always wants to discuss everything?

After such conversations, parents are often left with the impression: «This teacher doesn't really know our child!», and on the school side the assessment: «These parents are putting on rose-coloured glasses and don't want to admit what their child is really like.»

This is also the case with Joel. The fronts harden and a battle for «the truth» ensues: who is right?

The context is often ignored

There is much to suggest that Joel's parents and the teacher have been caught unawares in the so-called «fundamental attribution error». The social psychologist Lee Ross coined the term for the following phenomenon in the 1970s: He was able to prove in various experiments that we humans tend to attribute the actions of others far too strongly to their character, personality traits or basic attitude and block out the influence of the situation.

Whenever we say: «This child is ...», we can better say: «In this context, the child behaves in a certain way». In Joel's case, for example, we can see that he is very motivated and persistent in situations in which he can freely choose the topics, the process and the form of learning, and that this is reversed the more content is prescribed from outside and has to be worked on according to a fixed plan.

The more we are convinced that a person is «just the way they are», the less development potential we allow them.

Joel is caring and empathetic towards his little brother or the younger neighbourhood children. However, in a group of children his own age, he can turn on the heat, be wild and fight for leadership - a facet that his parents rarely get to see. Although it sometimes emerged at a birthday party or at one of his son's football matches, the parents didn't notice it because they dismissed it as atypical.

The more we are convinced that a person is «just the way they are», the less development potential we allow them. The child quickly finds itself in a fixed role - the determinist, the lazy one, the bitch or the scaredy-cat - from which it is difficult to break out.

If, on the other hand, we talk about a child's challenging behaviour in certain situations or under certain circumstances, this broadens our view of small but important differences and opens us up to dialogue again.