«Puberty requires a great deal of tact and sensitivity.»
Conny, 44, is an organisational developer and coach, and Volker, 44, is head of sustainable finance at a bank. Their sons Titus, 12, and Basil, 10, are becoming increasingly independent.
Conny: «I felt secure in my early childhood. But when I was eight and my parents separated, that security disappeared. So when we separated, it was important to me that Titus and Basil got the guidance I lacked as a child.
Volker and I made sure that the family came first. When the children were small, we often put our own needs on hold – and that was the right thing to do at that stage. Now the children's needs have changed and it is becoming more important again to find space for the needs of all family members.
Nowadays, when I need some time to myself, the children are very understanding. Now that I allow myself more space, I enjoy spending time with them even more. But of course, I realise that our needs don't always coincide. Today, the children want to do something without me. And that's fine. They are becoming more independent and need us as parents in a different way, more as a «safe haven» in the background.
What role do we take on as parents when everything has to be reshaped?
Conny, mother
Titus is twelve and wants more privacy. It hurts me when he no longer wants to be woken up with a hug, but I realise that this is my need, not his. I have to come to terms with that. He will come to me on his own, but he needs this space first. Puberty definitely requires a lot of tact and sensitivity. Titus is now also finding support in his friends. This raises new questions: What role do we take on as parents when everything has to be reshaped?»
Dialogue remains important
Volker: "Since I was raised with a lot of love, I don't think I need to do anything differently with my children. It's just important to me to be an authentic father. As parents, we take great care to recognise our children's needs and involve them in decisions so that they feel heard. I think we manage that pretty well most of the time.
Talking to Conny is important to me so that I can compare my own understanding of parenting with hers and ensure that we have consistent rules and expectations for the children. Talking to my new partner, close friends and other people I trust also helps me to gain different perspectives on parenting and to question my own approach.
As far as my own needs are concerned, I try to meet them, but sometimes I put them on the back burner. Family is a high priority for me and it is important to me to support my children on their journey through life – but I also realise that I could be a little more reserved here and there.
I think it's positive that the boys are slowly expanding their horizons and forming their own opinions – I just need to get used to it in some respects. I'm also becoming increasingly aware of how different their personalities are. I hope they learn to pay attention to their own needs and those of the people around them»
