Psychological violence: scars on the soul

It's neither the slap in the face nor the slap on the bum that tops the list. The most common form of violence experienced by children in Switzerland is not aimed at their bodies - it hurts their souls. «Psychological violence is usually less visible than physical abuse and therefore more difficult to identify,» says Dominik Schöbi, psychologist and family researcher at the University of Fribourg. «This is one of the reasons why it is still hardly the focus of public debate and is comparatively less often the subject of scientific research than physical violence.»

There is certainly a need for action, as shown by surveys conducted by Schöbi and his team between 2017 and 2020 on behalf of the Swiss Child Protection Foundation. A total of over 3,500 parents from all language regions took part in the resulting «Study on the punitive behaviour of parents in Switzerland» from 2020. The study shows: One in twenty children is repeatedly punished physically by their parents - one in four even experiences psychological violence regularly, i.e. on a weekly basis.

But what exactly is psychological violence? Where does it begin, and what distinguishes it from conflicts that are part and parcel of the parent-child relationship? What consequences does it have on the development of children and young people? Do parents need to worry if they lose their nerve now and then - and then rant, threaten with «if-then» scenarios or dismiss the child's crying as theatre?

The most common form of violence that children experience is not aimed at their bodies - it hurts their souls.

One thing is certain: psychological violence towards children doesn't just affect so-called problem households, but all of us. And it sometimes comes in such a subtle form that many parents do not recognise it as violence. It is therefore worth taking a closer look.

What is psychological violence?

The specialist literature does not have a standardised definition of psychological violence in parenting; aspects of it are interpreted or weighted differently depending on the study. «To summarise, it could be described as a repeated pattern of harmful interactions between parents and children,» says Schöbi.

Psychological violence against children is particularly common in the form of verbal aggression. This is also shown by the child protection study led by him. For a good 40 per cent of mothers and fathers who stated that they regularly use psychological violence, this means verbally abusing the child or «hurting them with words». A further 30 per cent regularly threatened to hit the child and around 20 per cent practised withdrawal of love: they told the child that they no longer liked them or made them feel rejected with gestures. For the parents surveyed, the repertoire of psychological punishments also includes locking the child in a room for long periods of time (15 per cent) and threatening to leave them alone (20 per cent) or giving them away if they don't improve (10 per cent).

Violence also works without loud words and blows

Anna knows what psychological violence feels like. Anna, who actually has a different name, is 36 years old and has two boys of primary school age. Her parents taught her early on what was proper for a girl. «If they saw me violating these ideals, for example by contradicting them or dressing incorrectly, they punished me with silence,» says Anna. «They blocked attempts to talk to them. Sometimes they told my brothers to do the same. Once, nobody spoke to me at home for a month.»

Her educational goal, says Anna, was to do things differently to her parents: «They made me feel like I was nothing. I have friends and my partner to thank for the fact that I was able to develop a certain sense of self-worth. Unfortunately, I realise how fragile this is when dealing with my boys. If they don't listen to me, I quickly feel powerless and think: they don't care about you. At times like this, I have to remind myself: The children don't mean any harm. Otherwise it sometimes takes me hours before I can approach them again.»

Many parents practise love withdrawal: they tell the child that they no longer like them.

Giving children the cold shoulder is a widespread form of psychological violence, as psychologist Annette Cina knows from her work with families. Parents usually act in this way because they believe that the child is deliberately trying to harm them by resisting. It is not uncommon for this conclusion to be based on injuries from the child's own childhood that have reverberated: For example, the experience of not being listened to, being made to look stupid and not being respected. «A child who is defiant can cause such emotions to flare up again,» says Cina, «by not listening, ignoring our needs and showing no respect. In the worst case scenario, mothers and fathers feel like they are back in situations that they know from painful experiences with their own parents.»

It is then crucial whether parents are able to categorise the child's resistance as an expression of their excessive demands instead of relating it to themselves. In their own helplessness, it is often easier to let the child feel what their behaviour is doing to them and to pay them back in the same currency, be it through disregard, devaluation or verbal abuse. «The strategy of choice is often the one that was modelled by your own parents,» says Cina. «These behavioural patterns shape people. When emotions run high, they act like automatisms and are difficult to stop.» Especially as the associated «success» speaks for itself when the child seeks their parents' favour after an emotional ice age or humiliating words from their parents because they are afraid of repeating a painful experience.

When parents repeat what they have experienced themselves

The first step to breaking such patterns is to become aware of them, says Cina. She recommends that parents take a quiet moment to consider the following question: In what situations does my child trigger these strong negative feelings in me, and why? «Often, at the core of it, it's about basic needs of one's own, such as for recognition and belonging or the experience of being able to make a difference,» Cina knows. «Realising that you might be missing something can be painful. But it gives parents the opportunity to explore new avenues and do something for themselves instead of demanding compensation from the child.» After all, it is the adults who have to take action and adopt alternative strategies when dealing with challenging parenting situations: «Parents are responsible for the relationship with the child, not the other way round.»

Parents often repeat what they themselves experienced as children, says researcher Schöbi. However, other factors also make them susceptible to violent parenting behaviour - stress, for example, appears to play a key role in psychological violence. «We have found that so-called macro-stressors such as financial, health or work-related problems do not make parents more likely to strike,» says Schöbi, «but they do increase the risk of psychological violence in parenting.»

According to Dominik Schöbi, it is not so important what kind of stressors are involved, but rather the fact that they all lead to the same result: The parents are under pressure, their resources are stretched. «Then everyday squabbles can be the straw that breaks the camel's back,» says family counsellor Cina. According to her, the triggers are often recurring points of contention that parents can take in their stride on good days, but can drive them to white heat on bad ones: constant backtalk, postponed homework, lack of help around the house. «Parents realise that they are facing an educational challenge,» says Cina, «but they don't have the time, calm or knowledge to deal with it in a reasonably level-headed way.» According to the expert, these are typical moments when verbal violence comes into play.

«Are you too stupid for that?»

For example, in the form of a threat when the five-year-old doesn't want to go home from the playground: «I'm going home without you right now!» When parents are annoyed, humiliating words come more easily to their lips: «It can't be that difficult,» says the father to his twelve-year-old who refuses to do her homework. Perhaps he doubles down: «Are you too stupid for that?»

«What is perhaps most stressful for the father in this situation,» says Cina, «is his inability to deal with a recurring problem: The daughter doesn't do her homework. Perhaps the father shies away from the associated circumstances and conflicts, perhaps he doesn't realise that she is overwhelmed. In any case, the daughter's problem becomes his own, but he can't solve it - in order to conceal this helplessness, he devalues the child.»

Stress, for example, appears to play a key role in psychological violence.

How does that go down with the daughter? «The father humiliates her and undermines the development of healthy self-esteem,» says Franz Ziegler, psychologist, curative teacher and child protection expert. What does the mother do to her toddler when she threatens to run away? «She stirs up fear, which jeopardises the child's trust in her and makes herself untrustworthy,» says Ziegler. «In the end, nobody really leaves their child in the playground.»

Where the violence begins

For the child protection expert, psychological violence begins when parents undermine the child's development of healthy self-confidence and trust in their carers. For example, by attaching conditions to their love - such as the father who, after a fruitless attempt at persuasion, decides to keep his child quiet until he has tidied his room. «He communicates to the child that his affection is not safe,» says Ziegler. «The message is: I won't get in touch with you again until you've tidied your room. That's a form of blackmail.»

Is this already violence? The question quickly arises as to who is rethinking their strategies with their offspring. The answer to this is complex. In contrast to physical aggression, which a child feels physically, it is less easy to differentiate between parenting behaviours that do not involve physical action and whether they are to be classified as violence. «With psychological violence, the subjective component and the context are more important than with physical violence,» says Ziegler. In other words, it depends on who says or does what and how in which situation.

Mistakes happen all the time, they are part of parenting. Parents should also be aware of this.

Franz Ziegler, psychologist

«Sometimes I could just sell you» - this sentence from a mother can make her daughter giggle because the mother rolls her eyes at a prank played by her child, but then laughs heartily. The same sentence may seem like a punch in the gut if the mother throws it at the child out of anger. As Ziegler knows, psychological violence ranges from a thoughtless subordinate clause - «Don't you ever get it?» - to the unmistakable message: «I wish you were dead.» What all forms have in common is that they give the child a feeling of inferiority or worthlessness. «It's important for parents to sharpen their awareness of what they achieve with words and gestures,» says Ziegler. At the same time, he emphasises: «Mistakes happen all the time, they are part and parcel of parenting. Mums and dads should also be aware of this. Not every mishap has consequences. Children are generally very resilient.»

The consequences of psychological violence

Are there forms of psychological violence that are more serious than others? «That can't be generalised,» says Schöbi. «What the various forms of violent parenting have in common is that they undermine the child's emotional security in the long term: They undermine the child's emotional security in the long term, which they need for their development.»

A child learns how relationships work and what it can expect from others from the example of its bond with its parents. Whether they experience their closest caregivers as affectionate, reliable and loving or as distant, unpredictable or rejecting, promotes or weakens their emotional security, which shapes the child's self-image and later also their attachment behaviour as an adult. «Emotionally stable people are generally more satisfied in their relationships,» says Schöbi, «while those who lack this security often find it difficult to deal with even the smallest disagreements appropriately because they relate them to themselves and then distance themselves, for example. This behaviour can put a strain on a relationship in the long term.»

However, experiences of recurring psychological violence in childhood may not only influence the relationships that a child maintains later on, but also their ability to regulate their own feelings. In this way, a lack of emotional security does not lead directly to mental disorders, «but it does increase susceptibility to them», says Schöbi. The focus here is on an increased risk of depression, anxiety disorders and addictions.

Whether such problems actually materialise depends heavily on the child's resilience. «It depends on what resources they can fall back on. If the child has reliable confidants outside the nuclear family, this can cushion stress and strengthen their resilience,» says Schöbi. «How resilient a child is, however, is determined not least by what they naturally bring to the table. Genes also come into play here.»

Violent parenting undermines the child's emotional security.

Dominik Schöbi, social researcher

«One of the most important findings is that parents do not primarily use violence as part of an intentional parenting behaviour. Rather, parents allow themselves to be provoked into violent behaviour in difficult, stressful parenting situations,» summarise the authors of the child protection study. «In most cases, they do not want to inflict violence on their children from the outset. If it happens anyway, parents feel bad about it and regret their actions.» The withdrawal of love, which is so frequently practised in German-speaking Switzerland, reflects this impressively, says study author Schöbi. «This measure is probably so common because many parents see it as a form of influence that they think is not harmful to the child.» A fallacy that parents don't think about in the heat of the moment. Because they are only human - exposed to a variety of stresses and characterised by their own experiences, which are not always helpful.

If it comes to a short circuit, scolding, threats, withdrawal of love or verbal derailments towards the child, this is not yet a tragedy. Or as Annette Cina puts it: «If parents occasionally lose their temper, it's not a tragedy per se as long as it doesn't become routine and they are generally affectionate towards their child.» And Dominik Schöbi adds: «It's problematic when such incidents become part of the programme. When children learn through experience that parental affection is neither stable nor a matter of course, but rather stands on shaky ground and must first be earned.»