Praise and perfectionism damage self-esteem
A mum asks:
My husband and I are parents of a six-year-old boy and a four-year-old daughter. Our son will start first grade after the summer holidays. Although he won't be seven until the end of the year, we think he's ready for school. But there is one thing that worries us: he gets very, very angry in certain situations. For example, when he builds a big tower out of Kapla and it doesn't turn out the way he imagined, he loses his patience and destroys the whole tower, sending the wooden planks flying in all directions. He starts screaming and cannot be calmed down. Another example is arithmetic. When we want to do maths with him, he listens with interest but doesn't want to say anything because he is afraid the result might be wrong. In our opinion, he is not very good at dealing with failure and we think he is immature in this respect. Recently, we have therefore tried to motivate him, telling him that he is great at many things, such as cycling, jumping rope or drawing, and that he can't do everything right or be the best at everything. My husband and I always praise our children so that they feel good about themselves and realise when they have done something good. But now we fear that our son has too little self-esteem. We feel guilty because we think we have missed out on this. Hence my question to you: Is it too late to boost his self-esteem? If not, how can we help to strengthen it?
Answer Jesper Juul:
Thank you for your question. I would like to start with a small personal memory: My son stopped writing essays at school when he was 13. He said: «I just can't.» My wife and I wondered at the time what the reason for his refusal could be, until we suddenly realised: Since he was a child, our son had witnessed me working. I sit down, write and finish shortly afterwards. His impression was: Dad sits down and the words just sweep across the paper. That blocked him incredibly. As soon as he realised that this wasn't the case for him, he no longer had any major problems with essays.
Praise can be addictive, especially when declarations of love are wrapped up in praise.
What could be the cause of your son's behaviour? I could imagine that he is being criticised by two perfectionist parents. In this case, I am inclined to agree with you that a lot of praise can be a cause of perfectionism. But praise itself can also be addictive, especially when declarations of love are wrapped up in praise. Because that gives a child two options: Either to receive as much love (in this form) as possible, it is «good» - or the exact opposite.
This is not a conscious decision. But it is a choice that shapes the child's personality development or survival strategy. We normally assume that a lot of praise for good performance increases people's self-confidence. This happens up to the point where perfectionism or stage fright takes over. The problem for many children is not that they receive praise for commendable performance, but that we as parents tend to say it in a somewhat monotonous way - and that doesn't cancel out an honest «I love you».
Three things that turn the tide
You ask if it's too late. The answer is no. It takes three things to turn the tide. Start with a serious conversation with both of your children and say something like this, «We always thought the best way to spur you on was to praise you. Now we've discovered that we were wrong.» You can say to your son: «You have shown us that it frustrates and annoys you when you don't succeed at something! We thank you for that. In future, we will try to praise you less. We want you to know that we love you, no matter how talented you are. It will be a little difficult for us at first, but we will try.»
The second step is the art of appreciation. This is where you may need some help to see how to put it into the right words. When your son gets upset, give him a hug and say, «I know you're upset right now. But it's not important that you succeed at anything now. I love you anyway!»
Success is not the most important thing. The really important thing is to feel particularly valuable just as you are.
Success is not the most important thing for your son. What's really important is the need to feel valuable just the way he is. Think about how he enriches your life and tell him occasionally. This will change his experience of how he can make you happy without always being «clever». And be patient, because it will take a few years.
Don't make a project out of this and don't make your son your favourite patient to reduce your own guilty conscience and guilt.
You have done what you can and you have a responsibility to change things slowly, which frees you from guilt.
Changing your behaviour should also not become a competition, but a constructive contribution to the development of your son's self-esteem. Raising children should never be a competitive sport! It is a joint development process in which both parties learn from their mistakes in order to feel valuable in each other's lives.
