Intuition as a guide in parenting issues

Stress and social expectations are issues that have preoccupied me a lot since I became a mum. After the birth of my second child Claude, I suffered from exhaustion depression. During therapy, I realised which situations trigger behavioural patterns in me that I actually reject.

A typical parenting moment: time is pressing, the job is calling, I have to leave urgently with my children. But my little one refuses to put on her jacket. My intuition advises me to say: «You want some chewing gum? Then get dressed right now.»

It takes time to shed learned patterns and it takes courage to defy expectations and not push children into certain behaviours.

Of course it works! But I don't like this approach. I use her desire to get her to co-operate without her understanding why she should do it now. And the next time she only co-operates if she gets another chewing gum.

I find the other extreme, punishment or the threat of punishment, even more fatal. My husband and I have always known that we would never physically punish our children. But the threat of punishment also triggers a great inner revulsion in me.

I don't want to say: «Go to your room and don't come out until you've realised your mistake.» I don't want to signal: «We can't talk again until you realise that I'm right.» I don't think this breakdown in communication will make my child realise what annoys me as a mother.

Maternal intuition: taking a timeout

On the other hand, sometimes I'm too angry to stay calm. My solution: I allow myself a timeout at such moments and say something like, «Kids, I'm so tired right now, I'm so annoyed, I'm going out for a minute. Give me some time.» Then I come back and talk to them.

There are certainly people around me who don't think that makes sense. The principle of rewarding and punishing is deeply rooted in society. Parents who don't question this intuitively adopt it.

My husband and I have many conversations about this. The extent to which we can put our ideals into practice is also a question of practice. It takes time to discard learnt patterns and not follow every intuition. It also takes courage to defy expectations and not push children into certain behaviours.

I'm already finding that it's worth it with my little one. Camille sometimes says something like «I can't think any more right now. It's too much for me». Then I know that he needs a moment and that I need to help him calm down. After that, we often find a solution to our conflict.