«Children must become strong themselves - through their own actions»
Mr Renz-Polster, what do parents today do better than parents of previous generations?
Connecting with the child, recognising and responding to their needs, giving them protection and taking good emotional care of them as well as showing their own feelings, being authentic: Today's parents are very good at all of these things, which previous generations sometimes struggled with. What is often neglected, however, is the other side.
What do you mean by that?
Children not only need closeness and connection in order to develop well, but also guidance. This is where parents can trust and rely more on their human authority: they should demonstrate a certain clarity and presence. This new authority stands in contrast to the old authority based on fear and control. Today, it's about guiding children in a benevolent way instead of controlling them. And at the same time being clear in your attitude, actions and statements.
What could this look like in everyday life?
Let's assume the family is out together in town and the children want an ice cream. For the parents, one scoop is fine and they say «yes» to this one. But when the children storm off for a second scoop, they think «no» but don't say it. In fact, some parents don't even dare to take a clear stance on such small things. Because they think: «But then my child will be sad!» Or because they think it will damage their relationship with their child.
In the title of your new book, «With Heart and Clarity», you refer directly to the two cornerstones that you believe make up good parenting.
Exactly! Good parenting requires both: solidarity and empathy as well as a clear position. We have to keep reminding ourselves of this: Connectedness doesn't disappear simply because parents are clear with their children, take a consistent stance and make clear announcements.
Many parents today want to raise their children in a needs-orientated way - which is based on a questioning and conciliatory attitude towards the child, in the sense of: «Child, what do you need so that your development can work well? We, who accompany you, want to make sure that we can give you that.» Unfortunately, there are many misunderstandings when it comes to needs-orientated parenting.
In what way?
Needs-orientated parenting does not mean always being guided by the child's needs. In fact, sometimes it also means saying: «I decide!» We don't have to say yes and amen to everything, always give in and avoid conflicts. However, many parents today believe that they are not allowed to say no or disappoint their child. Yes, they are allowed to!
Parents are the ones who keep the tigers away and know their ways, I like to say. At their stage of development, children do not yet have the foresight and life experience to be able to judge everything. That's why they need parents who live up to their responsibility, who say to the child: «I don't think you're up to using a mobile phone at the age of ten.»
So saying no is completely normal in the context of family?
Yes, just like setting boundaries. That can mean: As a parent, I set a limit when I feel my own has been exceeded - for example, because I am too tired to play with the child and I tell them so. Or when it is important to set boundaries so that the child stays on track with their development - limiting media time would be one example in this context.
In the family, however, boundaries often arise simply because the father or mother is doing his or her job, i.e. making sure that family life works without anyone being left behind. This is only possible by weighing up and negotiating the different needs. For me, boundaries are therefore something positive, a building block for a good and authentic life together - and not emergency brakes to prevent the child from becoming a tyrant.
So if we are clear as parents, exude human authority and set boundaries, will family life be conflict-free?
Life is full of conflicts - whether in a couple or in the family. It is simply a matter of resolving the conflicts that arise constructively, i.e. without destroying our family capital - which consists of closeness and trust.
It is so much more difficult to say «no» in an attentive manner than to shout out a snappy «no».
Let's assume the twelve-year-old is constantly failing to do his homework. How can this be solved constructively?
Well, as a father, I can permanently damage my relationship with my son by exploding without having taken him seriously and investigated the reasons for his refusal to do his homework. Or I can look first: does this conflict even belong in our home? Is this perhaps something that the son is allowed to discuss with the teacher? This second option is about relinquishing control to a certain extent and letting go of fears, such as the fear that the child will end up on the street without a school-leaving certificate.
So blow up or outsource the problem - isn't there a third way?
Of course, I can think about how I can resolve the conflict in a way that keeps us connected and sit down with my son. I could ask him: What can I offer you? Tutoring? What routines would help you? Maybe not start gaming straight after school? Or switch off the mobile phone during homework?
This kind of authority seems to be a very challenging form of education.
Yes, because good leadership only works if the connection is right. An affectionate no is so much more difficult than a shouted, snappy no. The necessary guidance for the offspring comes from parents who exercise good authority. And this in turn arises from being a parent, where mum and dad show themselves to be authentic. But also in their honest interest in really wanting to understand their child and its nature.
Most parents probably realise that an authoritarian parenting style is not the answer. But we often fall back on it, especially in stressful situations. And when our daughter doesn't tidy her room for the umpteenth time, we bring out the old «if-then-then» threat again. Have we then failed in terms of the new authority?
I don't have a problem with that at all. Parenthood is learning by doing. The great thing is that children are good at forgiving. As adults, we would also like to have this ability. Children look for the pattern, not the exception. And that's the great thing about family! That we can say: «It depends on our basic tone, and we work on this music, it should guide us.» If the basis is right, it doesn't matter on the days when the notes sound off-key.
Children are prepared to live with imperfect parents.
So you can scold and still be a good mum, count to three and still be a good dad. Parents don't do it on purpose, it's just part of the job. For example, if the younger child wants to stay longer in the playground, but the older one has to be picked up from daycare right now, there's no time for discussion. Then there's stress with the little one - but you can manage that again.
How then? By apologising after the thunderstorm?
Yes, and honestly mean it. As I said, children are extremely good at forgiving. And of course, the most practical of all apologies is that parents try to learn from their mistake and make amends.
Can you force your child to do something they don't want to do?
Forcing is usually associated with violence, and that is of course a no-go. But if we're honest, we force our children all the time. After all, there are many situations in which compromises are not possible - for example, when it comes to putting on a cycle helmet, buckling up in the car or getting through the front door on time in the morning.
I want to see a family in which everything is done by consensus and without coercion! Instead of working towards a false ideal - coercion is never okay! -we should focus on the how. What matters is how we implement our plan as parents. A good explanation of his motivations, rather than a terse «We're going to do it this way, period!», can work wonders here.
Sometimes, however, I have to frustrate my child because they can't understand my point of view. But then it goes on again. Because, as already mentioned, children are pattern seekers. They are therefore prepared to live with parents who are not perfect. In short, we don't have to live as a family in such a way that children can always understand everything or always think we're great. Unpleasant decisions are part of it.
What do you think of penalties?
A child perceives some things as punishment that adults didn't mean, such as not being allowed to do something they want to do. I don't think much of classic punishments in the sense of «You did something wrong, so now you can't watch TV or meet up with your friends». In his eyes, the child hasn't done anything wrong or has subjectively good reasons for his actions! So you leave them alone with their frustration. This prevents children from learning anything because they don't feel seen. This in turn undermines the basis of trust and will never resolve a conflict.
I am glad that most people now realise that punishment not only harms the child, but also our dignified coexistence. Because punishing is also shaming the parents - because they are resorting to a means that weakens the family. I think it's better to have understandable consequences. They are part of a good «no».
What do you mean?
By that I mean consequences that arise from the situation in question. For example: «We discussed that you don't aim the slingshot at the house, the windows could break. If you don't manage that, I'll have to take them away from you for a while.» Or if the child is not able to leave the mobile phone with its hundreds of new messages in the class chat at night, the device sleeps in the kitchen again instead of in the children's room. Although this also frustrates the child, it's not a punishment - I'm organising a good relationship for us.
Children need freedom! They shouldn't just be guided through the day in the adult lane.
As a mother, do I always have to be consistent in my actions? Or are exceptions allowed?
There is no need for consistency in the sense of «I always have to act the same way». Rather, children are looking for consistency, i.e. that it is understandable for them: «Today we're having a picnic on the floor» - nobody has a problem with that, especially not children. Whether you justify the exception with words or by the joy on your face - they will have no problem eating at the table again tomorrow.
And what about bribery?
The pattern counts here too. After all, we adults sometimes reward ourselves by watching a series when we've tidied up the kitchen, for example. So why not this: «Let's snack on the gummy bears when you've tidied your room! And of course I'll help you!»
Really?
If that saves the evening - why not? You won't offer the prospect of a reward every time homework is done, but only in special situations. After all, that's the only way rewards work. You can't be so fundamentalist, after all, we don't live in an ideal world.
My three-year-old granddaughter, for example, attends a kindergarten where the children have to dress themselves when they go outside, even at the age of three. In winter, this can be quite a challenge and my granddaughter regularly comes under pressure because others are already dressed and she is not.
Instead of building her a benevolent bridge and helping her a little, the people in charge there make a huge fuss - typical old authority behaviour, by the way. That's why the parents are now practising with the little one at home: instead of playing, they get dressed first and then eat cake together - such rewards are also perfectly fine.
In addition to clarity in parenting, in your book you call for children to be perceived as «root-wing beings» and to be treated as such. What do you mean by that?
The term ties in with the old image that children need both roots and wings to grow up. Secure attachment, closeness and belonging are part of the foundation of child development and provide security, i.e. roots. At the same time, it is important for children to be able to take action themselves and spread their wings to discover the world.
Children therefore use their roots as a springboard to try their own thing from the connection. They need their own trail in order to grow. This is their wing space. However, they have to train the wings themselves, because children do not develop when mothers and fathers do everything for them. Instead, children grow through their own experiences and the challenges they overcome.
What does that mean in concrete terms?
Children need more freedom! They shouldn't just be led through the day in the adult lane, from one programme item to the next. I find it tragic that the tenor today is sometimes: «Children used to be outside a lot, but today it's all far too dangerous.» Instead, we should be asking: «How can outdoor spaces be designed so that this is still possible today?» We need more play streets, more playable areas - that's what we need to work towards!
At the same time, we need to trust children to be independent. Letting them walk to school on their own instead of taking them in the car, for example. There are lots of things that children can do without adult supervision - if we just let them. In short: you can't make children strong. They have to become strong themselves - through their own experience, through their own actions.
How good are parents today at giving children both roots and wings?
We have gradually conquered the root space, but the wing space has become smaller. Sometimes we almost forget that the wing space is incredibly important for a child's development. We are clearly out of balance here. This is also reflected in social media, for example on Instagram, where many parents find inspiration: 99 per cent of posts on the subject of parenting and child development revolve around the relationship with the child.
But how the next generation can be supported in their own lane - that's rarely the issue. But this is exactly where parents are needed more than ever! We need to realise that we have a dual role and are not only root givers, but also enablers.
