«If we parents play learning police, we won't achieve anything»

«The most important thing is that parents and teachers ensure that the children enjoy going to school. Then they will learn well. When curiosity is aroused, children learn better,» says developmental psychologist Moritz Daum in this month's interview.

You can see his most impressive statements here as a picture gallery, and you can read the full interview below:

Mr Daum, how do I give my daughters a happy childhood?

Put simply, as a parent, you need to create an atmosphere in which your children feel safe, accepted and, above all, comfortable. This will allow your daughters to develop according to their talents and inclinations. But of course it depends on how you define childhood.

What do you mean?

Where does childhood begin? When does it end? There is still no scientifically proven definition for this. Furthermore, there are roughly two different schools of thought that view childhood differently.

One view of childhood sees the child as an imperfect being who must overcome childhood with the aim of becoming an adult. In order to achieve this goal, they need adults who - ideally - support them in the best possible way. Happiness would therefore mean achieving the goal of growing up in a successful, productive way.

There is no single definition of childhood. Just as there is no such thing as a happy childhood.

So childhood is just a phase that needs to be overcome?

Something like that, yes. On the other hand, there is the view of defining childhood as a period in a person's life that is worth protecting, which is complete and in which the child is given as much freedom as possible and is not put under any pressure. Along the lines of: we don't encourage you to grow up, we let you be a child and protect this phase.

As you can see, there is no single definition of childhood. Just as there is no such thing as a happy childhood. Children have different dispositions that they use to make contact with their environment and build something for themselves, to find their niche. And these environments are completely different depending on social status, cultural circumstances and so on.

The view of childhood as a state worthy of protection with little pressure and plenty of room for development is reminiscent of the teachings of reform pedagogues such as Maria Montessori or Johann Heinrich Pestalozzi.

However, this does not mean that we only find these approaches in public schools with a reform pedagogical concept. State schools take up many approaches from reform pedagogy. This is not always easy, as a much broader spectrum of social and cultural circumstances has to be covered and the system is less flexible. But I know of great examples of state schools where exactly that is done. Where, for example, children go to the forest one day a week.

It is not uncommon for such alternative models to fail because of the parents.

Because many mums and dads are afraid that their child will miss out on something during this time when they are not being taught in the traditional way. But if you look at the results of these classes in terms of a higher school career, for example, you can see that they do very well. These classes do not have a lower transfer rate to grammar school. On the contrary. These children have learnt that school and learning is something that can be fun.

What conclusions do you draw from this?

The most important thing is that parents and teachers ensure that the children enjoy going to school. Then they will learn well. When curiosity is aroused, people prefer to learn and therefore learn better. This is comparable to the world of work. If they enjoy working for the company where they are employed and feel valued by their colleagues and superiors, they are also willing to work harder.

Among other things, grades are often blamed for children losing the joy of learning.

We should think about the conditions under which it is possible to abolish grades - as a poor assessment of performance. Or use them differently. But that is also difficult.

Children who are not successful with their grades are learning: I'm trying, but it's not worth it.

For example, one child finds learning easy. He only makes three mistakes in the test and gets a 5. Another child finds the subject difficult, but tries hard, studies for two hours for this test and makes 15 mistakes. This is a great achievement for child 2.

If the teacher were to give this child a 5, child 1 would probably feel unfairly treated. Performance must be quantifiable in some way. The problem is that children with good grades are motivated by this system, children with poor grades are demotivated. It is important to find ways to avoid the latter.

In my daughter's class, virtually everything from floorball to maths is assessed. So there should be a field for every child in which they can celebrate success, right?

This will certainly be the case for the first few years. But this good feeling usually gives way when you realise that only certain grades count towards your doctorate. No matter how good you are at sport. If the other achievements aren't right, you won't make it in the end.

It is the hard subjects such as maths or German that are given more weight in our society. Children who are successful get their self-confidence from their good grades. Children who are not successful learn: Okay, I'm trying very hard, I'm putting in a lot of effort, but it's not worth it.

How do you deal with this as a parent?

It is very difficult to give a universal answer to this question, as the range is huge, both on the part of the parents and the children. But basically, I would say that you should create a trusting environment for the children where they know that they won't be punished if they come home with a bad grade.

Punishments should have no place in bringing up children. The children are already under pressure because they know that a test is coming up. If they also have to expect trouble from home, this leads to even more stress and ultimately lower performance. The home should always be the safe harbour where the child can come and deposit if something is not going well. It is extremely important that the home provides this.

But parents are also confronted with demands from the school, for example if the child's performance in one area is inadequate.

Of course, your own fears as a parent also play a role: Will my child lose touch? Do I need to support or challenge them more? But I emphasise once again: we achieve more if we support the children in a relaxed atmosphere and encourage their curiosity than if we play the learning policemen.

Can you give us an example?

Our youngest doesn't like reading. When he was 11 years old, my wife, in consultation with his teacher, sat him down on the sofa every evening after dinner and read a book with him: she read three pages, he read three pages. This trained his reading skills and reading comprehension.

One of the school's tasks is internal selection: What am I good at? What am I not so good at?

One important point was the regularity, the routine, another was the feel-good atmosphere. An activity that the child doesn't like doing is combined with something that the child really appreciates: spending exclusive time with mum or dad. This still doesn't make reading fun, but the surroundings are so pleasant that the unpleasantness is accepted.

Emphasising progress is also important: «Look, a fortnight ago it took us ten minutes to complete the three pages, now we're already faster.»

Children don't have to achieve top marks in every subject, do they?

I take a similar view. And they don't have to find absolute fulfilment in every subject. One of the school's tasks is also to select for myself: What suits me? What am I good at and what am I not so good at?

That's what I tell my children when they ask me why they have to do the stupid maths: «Yes, maybe to find out that it's not your thing and you don't want to be a mathematician.» And acquiring a certain basic knowledge of maths is certainly not a bad thing.

What do good parents do right?

We have already mentioned the safe harbour aspect. This also means that children are allowed to set their own pace at home. Unlike at school, where the timetable and teachers set the pace. This is not always possible, but where it is possible, children should be given the space to do things at their own pace.

In this way, the child realises: I am someone, I can make a difference and I am taken seriously. In the usual one to three-child household, you can cater to individual needs quite well. The question «How was school?» is often answered with a monosyllabic: «Good.» It's the same with us.

However, if my wife and I give the children time first, they do start talking after dinner when we sit together in a cosy atmosphere. Children are more likely to do this when they are allowed to relax. Then it suddenly bubbles out of them and then parents should take the time to listen to them so that they can tell their stories and worries and be heard.

That sounds wonderful, but relaxed family time is rare: work, after-school care, the children's hobbies, how is that supposed to be possible?

If you let the children choose their own hobbies, the limited family time is self-selected in favour of extended individual time. Which also corresponds to the children's interests and needs.

Parents must constantly adapt their parenting to the abilities and needs of their children.

The older they get, the more they follow their own needs and look for their own niches: «Okay, I don't want to play the piano, I'd rather climb.» Or vice versa. As they get older, children should be given more and more say in how their free time is organised, even if this means that less time is spent at home.

Younger children are not yet able to do this.

That is correct. That's why parents should keep a close eye on their children: What might suit them? What do they need and what do they need from me? This genuine interest in the child, without trying to apply any preconceived categories, is another characteristic of good parenting.

How is my child developing? What does it do at what age, in what situation, in interaction with other children? Compared to a 7-year-old, a 15-year-old naturally has a much greater need for autonomy and the ability to act independently.

But children of the same age can also be very different and have different needs.

Absolutely. How a child changes over the years can be tracked relatively well via their development curve. However, the development curves, which show what skills children have at what age and what they need, differ enormously from child to child.

Some children are happy to be left alone at lunchtime after kindergarten, others need a lot of attention. Some find learning at school easy, others don't. And parents who have more than one child need to keep reminding themselves of this: This or that thing that worked great for our older child doesn't necessarily work for our youngest.

This means that mums and dads have to get involved with their children's characters and adapt their parenting to their respective developmental stages.

What does it take?

This requires, among other things, my trust as a parent. Trust that is constantly adapted to the development, abilities and needs of my children. Even for me as a developmental psychologist, this is not always easy.

An example: When our eldest daughter was in 6th grade, I asked her before an important maths exam whether we should study together. Her answer was short and sweet: «No, Dad, I can do it.» «Yes, fine,» I said, «I'd just like to see if you've really understood it.» She looked at me and said: «Dad, if I say I can do it, then I can do it.»

How did she do?

She got a good grade. That was a lesson for me and one of the most impressive situations in my life as a father. My daughter held up a mirror to me: In your profession, you say that parents have to develop with their children. Then do that!

For a child of 12 to be able to tell his father clearly what he wants and what he doesn't want, he must have given him room to express his opinion at an earlier age.

It's like this. I listen to what you have to say. Whether you're 12, 8 or 4 years old. You also have to engage with the child's statements, give them space, argue instead of saying: «Shut up, that's rubbish.»

Children need a framework within which they can move. Maximum freedom borders on neglect.

When you argue, the other person realises that you are taking up their point of view and not simply trying to impose your own will through authority.

In the past, parenting was generally much more authoritarian. Children were given less room to express their own will.

Nobody wants to go back there. Nevertheless, you have to be careful that it doesn't just go in the opposite direction, children are allowed to do everything. There is no room for manoeuvre when it comes to the question of whether you can simply run onto a busy road.

Children need a kind of scaffolding, a framework within which they can move. Children are constantly exploring their room for manoeuvre. If they don't know any boundaries, what else are they supposed to explore? Maximum freedom borders on neglect and is just as unhelpful for development as maximum control.

Nevertheless, parents should always make sure that the framework they set is not rigid. A 5-year-old child has to go to bed earlier than a 10-year-old. You have to expand the framework over time and at the same time explain this supposed injustice. Parents don't have to fulfil their children's every wish. But they should give them the security: You can come with anything. We are here.