The ambivalent side of praise

In the 1960s, Western society began to view self-esteem as an important foundation for a child's development. Although self-esteem - the feeling of a valuable self - is not a panacea, it does have a moderately positive effect on children's well-being, social relationships and academic performance. When children perceive themselves as valuable, they are better able to cope with life's challenges.

It is therefore not surprising that parents and teachers want to boost children's self-confidence. It is often assumed that children's self-confidence grows when they are showered with praise. Many believe that children need praise to feel good about themselves - in the same way that plants need water and sunlight to grow.

Children need realistic feedback so that they can improve their skills.

Many would agree with the American mum who told researchers: «Praise is necessary, it's a must. [...] You can only build a child's self-esteem by constantly reminding them of the good things they do.» (Published in an article in Oxford University Press.)

Excessive praise can have the opposite effect

Despite the widespread belief in the benefits of praise, decades of empirical research show that praise is not always beneficial. Of course, children are happy to receive praise when they practise a new skill because it tells them what they are doing well. In other cases, however, praise may have a different effect than intended. In the words of educationalist Alfie Kohn: «The most salient feature of a positive judgement is not that it is positive, but that it is a judgement.»

In the bestseller «Between Parent and Child» by author Haim G. Ginott, we read about 12-year-old Linda, whose father praises her when she reaches the third level in her video game. «You're great,» he says, «you have perfect coordination! You're at expert level.» She immediately loses interest in the game. Her train of thought: «My father thinks I'm a great gamer, but I'm not at expert level. I only got to the third level by luck. Next time I might not even make it to the second level. So it's better to stop when I'm so far ahead.»

In our research, my colleagues and I tested these ideas. We were able to show that parents and teachers who want to boost children's self-confidence often give praise that relates to the children's personal qualities - «You're so clever!» - as well as exaggerated praise that is overly positive: «You did incredibly well!»

Even if it is well-intentioned, this type of praise can backfire. When children receive personal praise, it can become important for them to appear smart to others. This, in turn, can lead them to choose easy tasks that allow them to demonstrate their cleverness. In doing so, they avoid challenging tasks where they risk appearing less than clever. They may cheat to get ahead. And if they find a task difficult, they may doubt their abilities and give up.

Before we praise a child, we should think carefully about what message we are sending.

Something similar happens when children receive excessive praise. They probably feel proud and encouraged at first: «Maybe I'm amazing!» But over time, they might become afraid that they won't live up to the praise. If they struggle or experience setbacks, they may feel that they are not living up to expectations and develop low self-esteem.

A teacher told me about a boy in her class who had been showered with praise at home for his drawing. One day the boy said to her: «I'm not a great draughtsman. My mum says I am, but I know that others are better than me.»

The three pillars for healthy self-confidence

How can parents and teachers strengthen children's self-confidence in a healthy and effective way? Based on research in developmental psychology and educational science, my colleagues and I have identified three pillars of healthy self-esteem that can be reinforced at home and at school:

• Growth: Children have a natural desire to improve. Helping them to recognise how much they have improved over time can boost their self-confidence, encourage their desire to learn and give them a sense of progress and realisation.
• Realism: Children need realistic feedback about their achievements, efforts and strategies so that they can improve their skills and develop their self-confidence. Especially if children are really good at something, they are likely to benefit more from constructive criticism than from indiscriminate praise. When we give constructive criticism, we need to set high standards. And we need to show that we believe in the children's ability to achieve these standards.
• Robustness: When children fail or make mistakes, they are often afraid that others will no longer accept or value them. By teaching children that we accept and value them unconditionally, we can cultivate a robust sense of self-worth that doesn't immediately crumble in the face of setbacks. When children don't achieve their goals, we shouldn't question their abilities by saying, for example, «It's okay, not everyone can be good at maths.» Rather, we should continue to express our confidence that they have the potential to learn and value failure as an opportunity to learn.

If we want children to be happy with themselves, we reflexively praise them. However, praise may not be the most effective way to boost self-esteem. Before we praise a child, we should stop and think carefully about what message we are sending. Do we want children to care about how we judge them? Or do we want them to become curious learners in their own right, who seek out challenges and don't give up in the face of setbacks?

This text first appeared in English on BOLD - Blog on Learning and Development.