Perceive the child instead of judging it

It is essential for all of us, but especially for children, to be noticed - and there is a difference between «seeing», «gazing» and «noticing». I would like to give a universal example - it is universal because it applies everywhere in the world: A two-year-old child is on the slide for the first time. Just like every other child in the world, they will exclaim: «Mum, look at me!» Because that's exactly what they need: to be noticed and not marvelled at or gawped at.

So you need someone who expresses in words or deeds: «Yes, I see that you are there!» As the mum of the child on the slide, you can simply stand there and wave to your child. But you can also say «Hey!» or «I see you!». Or if you are really aware of how your child is feeling on the slide for the first time, you can say more about it: «You're having a lot of fun on the slide, but you're also a bit scared, aren't you?»

There are parents who say one thing at the drop of a hat: «Be careful! Don't hurt yourself!» In doing so, they destroy the child's experience.

Such a statement is a great gift: you have helped your child to find words for their current state in the world. Most parents, however, start to praise the child as if this were an achievement. They confuse experience with achievement and comment: «You did a great job!» But the child has neither done anything good nor anything bad. It has simply slipped down the slope and experienced a whole lot inside.

Renounce the power of definition

There are also parents who say one thing at the drop of a hat: «Be careful, don't hurt yourself!» Or: «Don't get dirty!» No matter what the child is doing, the parents only have these comments at the ready. And they don't even realise what they are doing: they are destroying the child's experience by demanding that the child confirms their rules instead of them as parents confirming their child's existence - and that is what the child really needs in order to develop their self-esteem.

Adults have a deadly power to define things, an expression coined by a Norwegian educator a few years ago («the adult power of definition»). Adults have the power to «define» children as good or bad, hysterical or sweet. But the more you define someone, the less space you give them to find out who they are. So how are children supposed to find out who they are if they are constantly being unfairly judged? This power of adults to define everything is basically poison for children. Nothing worse could happen to them as they develop their self-esteem.

It's simply a matter of getting used to a new language. And once you start, you'll get so much positive feedback that you won't be able to stop. If you remain in a judgemental, evaluative language, you will eventually become lonely and only end up in conflict.

If you want to have a personal dialogue, you talk about yourself and not about me. But if you start to judge me, then it's clear that I'm going to do the same - and there's the argument. We each fight for our positions and lose contact with each other in the process. Each of us hurls accusations at the other and it's completely unproductive: we blow off steam, but we also hurt each other and in the end we're both unhappy and in no way healed.

Even a positive evaluation does not stabilise a child

Parents and children. Parents are constantly judging them, telling them what they think is good or bad. The only difference is that for the first nine years of their lives, children actually believe that their parents are right, that they are the best parents in the world - regardless of whether they «define» their children as positive or negative.

One of my first clients, a son of wealthy parents who was successful in all areas of life but couldn't stand himself, summed it up very well in one of the sessions: «My parents always told me how wonderful I was, but they didn't give me any substance.» They gave him a nice label, but this label had no substance. They gave him a nice label, but this label had no substance. How is he supposed to feel wonderful? How does something like that feel? The label doesn't help him answer this question. The parents may have meant well in giving him a positive label, but a label remains a label, whether negative or positive - it has no profound effect and does not really stabilise the child. It is very difficult for such a child to develop good self-esteem.

I'm not saying that parents should never judge children's behaviour. Of course you can tell the child that it's bad to touch the hot hob. But you should differentiate between «how a child behaves» and «who the child is». Because parents don't think about this at all or think about it very briefly: If the behaviour is not okay, the child is not okay! And that is a false conclusion. The child is not a bad child just because it wanted to check whether the hob was actually hot. But if you tell him: «You're bad!», you make it very difficult for the child to develop self-esteem.

Parents can simply say: «I don't want you to do this or that!» This tells the child what you want, so they have the opportunity to get to know you better and their self-esteem can develop: They know it's okay the way they are!

For the first nine years of their lives, children actually believe that their parents are right.

What I don't mean by this, however, is that children are simply wonderful and should do whatever they feel like doing. But constantly criticising and correcting them as if they're not doing anything well enough doesn't help them one bit - and it doesn't help adults either. They can't improve their lack of self-esteem in this way either.

In personal relationships, it should always be possible to express your discomfort or dissatisfaction in ways other than simply rebuking the other person. What you are doing is putting yourself on the throne - and that only works at the expense of the other person.

The strange thing is, I am always amazed to realise, that parents are very eager to find out who this child is in the first twelve months. If it cries, they want to know why. If they are happy, they want to know why. So adults are very interested in knowing whether their child is doing well or not. They are very curious about their child's every reaction. But after these first few months, parents suddenly lose this interest and they start to «define» the child - they start to judge his every action and are only interested in correcting him.

Adults therefore have a problem staying in contact with children. Although they want to know how they are, they don't ask: «How are you?», but rather: «What's wrong with you today?» In other words, they give the child the feeling that they should behave differently - because that's not right. They don't even wait for the child to tell them something, but shoot off straight away. I think there is a deep truth in the saying: «You make children bad by declaring them bad.»