«Parents are also allowed to say: This scares me»

Mrs Helmreich, we are living in very uncertain times. Climate change, a pandemic, war in Europe - many things are scary. Parents are not only worried about their own future, but also that of their children. How do you deal with this as a mother?

Uncertainty is not a nice feeling. We like to have things under control. If this is not the case, we feel insecure and stressed. Especially in such difficult and negative situations, it is extremely important not to lose sight of the good things and to encourage positive emotions. For example, I have an evening ritual with my daughter where I ask her to tell me three nice things that you are grateful for today. At this moment, we decide to actively focus on positive things. There is a lot going on around us that we cannot influence. But we can influence how we deal with it.

Many people find this difficult, especially when it comes to war. The news that reaches us is often almost unbearable, even for adults. Should we talk to children about war at all?

There is no general answer to this question, it can only be answered on an individual basis. It very much depends on the children and factors such as their age and personality. The younger the children are, the more you have to protect them from such messages. I generally recommend keeping a close eye on children.

If they have a need for information, you should talk to them about it and watch the children's news together, for example. They are usually well made and pay careful attention to what is shown. Moving images in particular are critical. This is because bad scenes quickly become ingrained in the memory and cause fear, regardless of age. It is therefore important to pay attention to what you see in such crises and how often.

So better not to watch the news all day?

Exactly. Studies during the coronavirus pandemic have shown that it is very helpful to limit news consumption and, for example, only read the news twice a day. However, these two time slots should not be in the morning directly after getting up and not in the evening just before going to bed.

The latter can lead to difficulty falling asleep and sleep problems in general; you lie awake and brood. And in the morning, it's especially important in the family to start the day with something nice before finding out about the bad things.

This probably also applies to children.

Yes, parents should take the same principle to heart when communicating with their children: It's best to arrange fixed times when you can talk about the problematic situation and get information together. Afterwards, you should talk about it and ask the children: What have you understood? How do you feel about it? What do you know about the topic? What scares you? What else would you like to know?

Repression should not be used permanently, because it takes a lot of strength to block such things out and close yourself off.

In such conversations, parents should take care to present things in a child-orientated and not too negative way. Optimism is an important resilience factor. So you could say: Yes, the war or the pandemic is a big problem, but people are already taking care of it and looking for a solution.

My godchild refuses to have such conversations. She is 15 and refers to her self-protection, saying it would put too much strain on her.

That is the mechanism of displacement. It can be good in the short term. If you as parents have a young person in the family who consciously decides this for themselves, you should accept it and communicate it: I can understand if you don't want to talk about it at first. It is also a signal to the parents that there is so much going on with the child or young person that they are activating their defence mechanism. However, this way of dealing with the situation, i.e. repression, should not be used permanently, because it takes a lot of strength to block out such things and isolate yourself.

How should parents react to such behaviour?

Mothers and fathers should keep up their dialogue and keep renewing it. It often helps to offer ways in which you can become active yourself. Going to a demonstration or donating some of your pocket money, for example. This is called «active coping», i.e. actively dealing with a situation that you otherwise feel helplessly at the mercy of. With such actions, you also see that others are doing the same and you experience appreciation for your own commitment. This form of social support is also an important resilience factor.

Many people have the feeling that they have been stuck in a permanent crisis mode for years now. What is the best way to deal with this kind of ongoing stress?

We know from coronavirus research that many older people are coping better with the crisis. This is due to their experience. They have already survived other crises and realised that things always go on. They have experienced bad things, but have learnt that despite pain and suffering, good things can also develop again. In resilience research, we refer to this as stress inoculation: you have already been exposed to stressful situations once or several times and can access the knowledge that it will pass. In addition, you keep learning new coping strategies that can help you in the future.

But you have to reach a certain age first.

That's right, children and young adults don't know this yet, of course. They quickly get the feeling that the world has become unsafe and dangerous, all the more so since these crises have been going on for so long now and, thanks to modern media and technology, are landing directly in our living rooms almost in real time and without interruption.

It's important to realise that it's okay to have fun.

That's why it's so important to limit your news consumption and consciously incorporate positive things into your everyday life. And also to realise that it's okay to laugh and have fun. This is allowed and even necessary, it's the only way we can recharge our batteries. This is especially true for those who - perhaps for professional reasons - can't manage to watch the news just twice a day. Here it is important that there is a beginning and an end. To say to yourself: "Well, that's enough of the bad news and stressful thoughts, now we're going to have a games evening with the family.

What does that do to us when we are stuck in crisis mode for years?

This depends very much on the genetic background and how many resources a person has - the keyword here is resilience. In the worst-case scenario, you can become ill from such stress, for example become depressed, develop anxiety or sleep disorders. But many factors can also protect us. Social support, for example, is essential. Are there people I can talk to? A partner who listens to my fears in the evening when the children are in bed and takes me seriously? Just as we talk to our children, we should also verbalise our feelings ourselves, even in front of children: This scares me. And then, if possible, add a little optimism straight away: But it will pass, people are working on making it good again.

However, many adults are also finding it difficult to imagine a positive outlook at the moment.

In addition to regularly focussing on the small, everyday pleasures, it also helps to look at the big picture. Especially in times of crisis, many people hope for a social «bounce back», a kind of leap back to a time when everything seemed to be okay. The realisation that this will no longer be possible can be absolutely terrifying.

But there is also a «bounce forward», every crisis teaches us something. Perhaps new skills and values are formed as a result. People know this when they have suffered a life-threatening illness. It makes it very clear to them what they really want to do, and their life after such an illness often changes in comparison to the one before, even in a positive sense. Scientists also refer to this as post-traumatic growth. This can affect not only individuals, but also an entire society.

This is very abstract thinking that is required here.

That's true, but I can supplement it with «active coping». Whether it's climate change or war, there is always something that individuals can do. Avoiding waste, paying attention to your carbon footprint, wearing a mask, travelling to the border to pick up refugees or simply donating money - the range is wide and everyone can decide for themselves what contribution they want to make.

You said that social support is also a decisive factor for resilience. So it helps us to get through crises better if we talk about them with others?

Yes, talk and - very important in the parent-child context - convey a feeling of security. In other words, clearly saying: I'm here to support you. No matter how bad things are, there will always be a way to deal with them. Some people also find support in faith or a certain spirituality in such life situations. They are comforted by the thought that everything follows a larger plan and that they may be able to see afterwards what the crisis was good for. This verbalisation, talking about it, getting opinions is essential for many people in situations where they are afraid.

This can sometimes be difficult for parents. They don't want the children to feel that they are worried.

An outlet is particularly important for parents who perhaps want to be strong in front of their children and not let on how much they are unsettled by the changes in the world. Because if you suppress negative emotions, they only get stronger. If I tell you not to think about a pink elephant for the next 60 seconds, you will find it difficult to keep this pink elephant out of your thoughts. It's the same with fear: if you say to yourself: «I can't be afraid», it will come through all the stronger.

I recommend keeping an anxiety diary. By writing things down, you can get them out of your head and distance yourself from them a little.

It's okay to try not to show your fear of your children. But then you should give yourself some time during the day to brood and give your fears space. I also recommend keeping a worry or anxiety diary. By writing things down, you can get them out of your head and distance yourself from them a little. Whether the diary or a conversation with friends or your partner helps you more is something you have to find out for yourself. What's important is the basic attitude. In other words, recognising that it's a bad situation and that you're scared. And also to give yourself permission to have these feelings. As long as you don't let it paralyse you, it's absolutely okay.

Back to resilience, which is so important in these times. What if I don't have as much of it as I would like?

Many studies have shown that although there is a certain genetic component that determines how well someone can get through crises, resilience can also be learnt to a large extent. If you realise that you are perhaps not so well equipped in this respect, an important step would be to train resilience. At the Leibniz Institute for Resilience Research, for example, we offer special training programmes in which participants learn certain techniques and methods to strengthen their own resilience.

Can you describe such a technique?

For example, cognitive flexibility or how to deal appropriately with unpleasant feelings as part of active coping. There are numerous factors that influence how resilient a person is and that can be trained throughout life. We have already mentioned two particularly important ones: active coping and social support. It also plays a role in this that it helps me to see that other people are struggling with the same or similar problems. So I'm not alone.

Resilience also requires a certain cognitive flexibility. I need to be able to recognise that a certain course of action is not working and be prepared to make appropriate changes to adapt to the new situation. During the coronavirus pandemic, for example, our cognitive flexibility was in great demand - just think of the constantly changing rules that we had to adapt to again and again.

Can parents do anything to promote their children's resilience and thus strengthen them for future crises?

Absolutely. I need to expand a little on that. There is a very impressive study that is considered one of the pioneering studies in resilience research. The scientists followed all children - almost 700 - who were born on the Hawaiian island of Kauai in 1955 for forty years. They found that a good third of the children grew up with a high risk exposure. This means that they lived in particularly poor circumstances, had mentally ill parents or experienced violence in the family. A third of these children grew up to be emotionally stable, mentally healthy adults, they were able to have good relationships, were optimistic and had a job that fulfilled them. They were resilient.

Do you know what caused this?

The researchers attributed this to internal and external protective factors. The internal factors can only be influenced by parents to a limited extent, including a child's temperament, for example. However, a decisive external factor is a supportive person in the child's life. This may or may not necessarily be a parent. A neighbour, a family friend, a teacher, an aunt - someone who is there to support the child. We can conclude from this that a child's resilience is greatly enhanced if there is someone who constantly signals to them: You are fine the way you are. And if there's anything wrong, if you have questions or are afraid or don't know what to do, I'm there.