Parental dispute: «Better to seek counselling sooner rather than later»

Mr Pröls-Geiger, wherever people interact with one another, differences of opinion arise. Is a relationship without conflict even possible?

Conflict is unavoidable. Disagreements, differences in interests, differences of opinion and differing needs are simply part of life. But the question is: how do you deal with different opinions and needs?

It is important to speak in «I» messages. This way, the other person does not feel accused.

It is good to talk things through early on if you notice that something is not right or is bothering you. The sooner you address issues, the sooner you can resolve them and prevent them from escalating into a big argument. It is important to use «I» statements so that the other person does not feel accused.

In the stressful everyday life of parents, there is often no time for such conversations. Moments without children are rare, and most of the time you are tired. What to do?

For example, set a time for it: some discuss it when the child is taking their afternoon nap. Some parents also institutionalise it and have a fixed evening each week for discussions. Sometimes it doesn't take that long; some feedback can be clarified in ten minutes.  

What could such feedback be?

For example, if you are annoyed that the other person has described you as untidy in front of the neighbours. Instead of getting upset for a long time, it is enough to say that you didn't like it and that it hurt you. The other person doesn't have to respond at length, but can simply acknowledge it or say that they will think about it.

The best time to talk about conflicts is when they are not currently boiling over.

So rather sleep on it than respond immediately in the heat of the moment?

To prevent conflicts from escalating, it is a good idea to slow down. Conflicts escalate quickly, but they only de-escalate slowly. That is why it is helpful to take a break when you find yourself in emotionally charged situations or when you realise that you have fallen into a spiral of accusations and counter-accusations. As a general rule, it is best to talk about conflicts when they are not currently boiling over.

If you're lucky, the problems will resolve themselves and you won't even have to talk about them anymore. But that doesn't always work: so how do you find the right moment?

It is important to reflect on why the conflict actually arose. Was it a stress-related situation? This is often the case in hectic everyday family life. For example, an argument about one of the two not putting the dishes in the dishwasher in the morning. The overarching issue is not the dishes, but the morning stress and the question: How can we organise breakfast so that it is less stressful for everyone?

But it could also be about appreciation. Do I feel that my efforts for the family are seen and recognised and not taken for granted? The most difficult issues are perennial ones. People often resort to phrases such as «you always do this and that» and quickly end up in a cycle of recriminations. These issues should be postponed until a quieter time, when they are not currently pressing, and you should think in advance about the «I» messages you want to send. It is important to stick to just one topic.

What topics do parents argue about most frequently?

These are often mundane everyday issues such as household chores or the division of roles. It is also a question of resource management: both partners are stressed, not getting enough sleep and therefore easily irritated. It is worth finding out what the real issue is.

So, the famous glimpse beneath the tip of the iceberg?

Exactly. To do this, you need to be in touch with yourself and your needs and listen to your inner voice: What is bothering me right now? What is really behind it and what is upsetting me?

Should parents generally avoid arguing in front of their children, or is it not necessarily necessary to postpone everything?

It depends on the issue being argued about and how the conflict is handled. A discussion about the next holiday destination can be held in front of the children, and then you can explain to them why you are arguing and why you have different opinions. It is important to observe how the children react, for example, whether they perceive their parents' raised voices as threatening. Adults should then respond to these signals and discuss them with their children.

What signals do children send when they feel uncomfortable during an argument?

Some cover their ears and cry, others say «stop» or run out of the room. Others withdraw without saying a word. Some try to mediate their parents' argument, putting their own needs behind those of their parents. This creates a role reversal that is unhealthy for the child's development in the long term.

If you argue in front of your children, you should also make up in front of them.

The older children are, the better they can communicate what is important to them. When they are younger, they perceive the atmosphere as threatening, but may not yet be able to understand what is going on. The older they are, the better they know their parents and the «choreography of their arguments». And very importantly, if you argue in front of your children, you should also make up in front of them.

When discussing holidays by the sea or in the mountains, it's easier. But what about open issues that cannot be resolved immediately?

It is important to show the children that we are making an effort to resolve the issue constructively.  

Isn't it more reassuring for children when you tell them that everything will be alright again?

Never promise more than you can deliver! Otherwise, trust will be lost. Children pick up on more than adults think; they have very sensitive antennae. That's why it's an illusion to believe that children don't notice when you argue in the evening. Cold conflicts, where you just ignore each other, are just as stressful, and children sense that too. This can be more stressful for them than if the conflict is out in the open.

What effect do conflicts have on children?

When conflicts remain unresolved for a long time, children experience constant agitation; a tension that does not go away and puts them in a state of constant alert. Children need a safe place where they can relax. This includes not only their own room, but also moments of relaxation.

Children identify with both parents, and if one is disparaged, this automatically affects the child as well.

What are the warning signs that children are suffering as a result of parental conflict?

Poor concentration at school, escaping into fantasy worlds or tension at home is transformed into aggression in the school playground. It is also noticeable when young people only spend time with their peer group and no longer want to be at home. If children try to prevent conflicts or mediate for their parents, this can also be seen as a warning sign. They are showing that it is all too much for them.

Are there any absolute no-gos when parents argue in front of their children?  

Definitely violence. Physical and verbal. Parents should absolutely avoid using strong language or belittling or disparaging the other parent. Children identify with both parents, and if one is belittled, this automatically affects the child as well. It is also important not to use the child as a pawn and not to try to pull them to your side. Threats of separation or divorce can also be very unsettling for children.

How can parents convey a sense of security to their children even when they are arguing?

Ideally, the message to children should always be: We have this under control and we will resolve it. Children notice and appreciate their parents' honest efforts. It is also helpful to agree on a stop sign with your child that they can use when the argument becomes too much for them.

What helps when you realise that an argument is escalating and you are getting caught up in a spiral of conflict?

Many conflicts arise because people are stressed and thin-skinned. It helps to name what is going on, to say: This is all too much for me right now, I need a moment of peace, I'm going to collect myself in the next room and I'll be right back. If you are already in an argument and find yourself caught in a spiral of accusations and counter-accusations, you can agree on a time-out signal and decide to take a short break to «cool down» and then try again. Self-care and de-escalating conflicts are therefore important.

We cannot change others. Therefore, the best thing to do is to work on ourselves and end the conflict on our side.

What if you keep arguing about the same things and simply cannot find a satisfactory solution?

I always advise people to seek counselling sooner rather than later when conflicts arise. Finding a way out of an escalated conflict and back to normality is much more difficult than seeking a solution early on in a counselling session with a moderator. Especially when you find yourself going round in circles, an outside perspective can help. Seeking counselling is a sign of strength, not weakness.

It is easier when both parties are aware that it is time to make a change. What if the other person is not on board? Can one parent alone bring about a change in conflict behaviour?

It is definitely easier when parents work together, which also has a unifying effect: the two of us working together for family harmony. But it is also possible to do it alone, it is just much more strenuous. It is important to take a clear stance, i.e. to tell the family: «I don't want these conflicts anymore and I am taking the following steps to make things more harmonious.» This shows that this is my investment in the family.

The steps should be clearly defined. If you follow through with this, pressure will build up on the other person, who will hopefully make an effort as well. At the same time, the parent who deals with the triggers for the conflict will change, which in turn will have an effect on the other parent who is not in counselling, and thus on the whole family.

Is there anything one should refrain from doing?

When conflicts arise, there is always the danger of wanting to change the other person. But that doesn't work. The best thing to do is to work on yourself and end the conflict on your side. That's easier said than done, but if you work on yourself, you will also change your own focus on the conflict.

Is there anything positive that children can learn from parents who argue?

When parents demonstrate how to constructively seek solutions and find compromises while arguing and making up, children can learn a lot. Compromises are part of life; the fact is that you cannot always get your own way everywhere.

Parents can teach children that conflicts are also an opportunity to find new ideas. If this is done well, children will gain a kind of toolkit for their social skills. They will benefit from this throughout their lives.