Mr Brisch, it seems that attachment is to blame when a child lacks confidence at nursery, fails to make friends at school, or struggles to find a partner as an adult. Can every instance of (negative) behaviour really be attributed to insecure attachment experiences in childhood?
Not in every case, of course. But wherever human relationships are involved in life – whether between parents and children, at nursery, at school, within peer groups, in romantic relationships or in professional contexts – attachment patterns form the bedrock of our personality development. We know this from numerous longitudinal studies carried out in many countries around the world.
People with secure attachments are better able to cope with stress and have a sense of basic trust.
What does a stable relationship look like?
Imagine a house with a solid, secure foundation. It might develop a few cracks if an earthquake shakes it, but it can be repaired quickly. Houses with a weak foundation, on the other hand – which in our example corresponds to an unstable bond – require more extensive repairs.
In the case of a dysfunctional attachment or even an attachment disorder, we can picture a medieval house with a rotten foundation – or one without one at all. This, too, can be repaired, though it is a labour-intensive process. For example, it is possible today to retrofit a solid foundation – and then this house will stand for another 100 years.
So, does applying attachment theory to the concept of a «foundation» mean therapy?
Exactly. And that's the good news: when we see children and young people who haven't developed healthy attachments, we can work with them therapeutically – sometimes even in a residential setting, with a whole team. So that, in the end, they stabilise without the need for medication – because they've formed new relationships and perhaps experienced secure attachment for the first time. They internalise these experiences, which lead to healthier psychological development.
You have been working on this topic for decades. How has the understanding of child attachment changed over that time?
When I came across the books by John Bowlby, the founder of attachment theory, in the mid-1990s, I was fascinated by them. Much of what Bowlby described in his theory I recognised in my clinical work with adults, as well as with children and adolescents: anxiety and depression that could be traced back to early separations, the loss of attachment figures, experiences of emotional neglect and violence in childhood.
At the same time, I asked myself: why hadn't I learnt anything about this during my psychoanalytic training? Once we had incorporated aspects of attachment theory into our clinical work with patients, we made much greater progress in therapy. When I wrote the book *Attachment Disorders: From Attachment Theory to Therapy* in 1999, I was very surprised by the unexpectedly strong response. A lot has happened since then; attachment theory has found its way into numerous fields of psychology, medicine and education.
What makes for a good bond?
In principle, it is simple: people have an innate need for secure relationships with consistent caregivers. If these caregivers respond sensitively to a child's cues, the child is more likely to form a secure attachment. This, in turn, forms the basis for emotional stability, self-confidence and healthy physical, social and emotional development.
In practical terms, this means that people with secure attachments are better able to cope with stress and have a sense of basic trust, because they know that there are people who will help them and that they do not have to do everything on their own in this world. They have more coping strategies and are more likely to be involved in friendships and stable relationships. At the same time, they are more empathetic towards their own thoughts, feelings and intentions, as well as those of others.
Why?
Because they are better able to empathise with other people's inner worlds and are aware that their own feelings, intentions and thoughts differ from those of others. This is known as the ability to mentalise – that is, to understand and distinguish between one's own behaviour and that of others, as well as the underlying feelings and desires. This ability develops by the age of three or four and represents a huge developmental milestone. Only those who can mentalise are better able to find compromises – something that is indispensable in human interaction. A skill, incidentally, that I often find lacking, particularly among politicians.
Parents can't do it perfectly anyway. «As best they can» is good enough.
Are you saying that the US President is not bound by a firm commitment?
I have recently been working on a biography of the Nazi war criminal Hermann Göring and have been trying to understand why he was the way he was. In the process, I have learnt that Göring experienced a great deal of rejection and hurt even as an infant and throughout his childhood. This has an impact on psychological development and significantly affects one's capacity for empathy and attachment. As for Donald Trump: if one is to believe the biography written about him by his niece Mary Trump, he also had a very difficult childhood emotionally.
Let's turn our attention to school-age children: how can we tell whether they have had positive experiences of attachment?
People with secure attachments are able to resolve conflicts in a more prosocial manner even at this age, because they regard the thoughts, feelings and intentions of others as valid and are willing to negotiate. People with secure attachments are therefore very good team players and are also better able to make the most of their talents and abilities.
And what about children who have attachment issues?
They can often do all these things too, but not nearly as well. Their capacity for empathy is also not as well developed. Children with an insecure attachment style have more potential, but are unable to make the most of it – because they lack confidence, are anxious and tend to back down quickly.
For example, they often need reliable support to start a course of training because they're afraid of getting it wrong. Although they may have experienced protection and security in early childhood, they were also subjected to a great deal of criticism at the same time. A mixture of comfort («Come on, let me give you a hug!») and threats («I told you straight away not to climb up there!»), all in the same breath.
And what are the signs of an attachment disorder?
It can take various forms. Some children may be stressed and always react very aggressively when being dropped off at nursery . Others cling to anyone who happens to be passing by and, even at the age of six, would go off with just about anyone. This is referred to as an avoidant attachment disorder.
People with secure attachments cope better with difficult times and are more likely to keep a cool head.
Children who develop addictions at an early age often have attachment issues too. A child who is handed a smartphone or tablet to keep them calm, rather than having a caregiver spend time with them and help them cope with their stress, gets used to using these devices to manage stress. The same applies when they are soothed with food. Digital media or food, and later alcohol and drugs, thus become the seemingly best, ever-available substitute caregiver.
Are later-life obesity or media addiction often rooted in such early attachment experiences?
For example. However, an attachment disorder is also present when someone shows absolutely no empathy. Just like those 16- and 17-year-olds who were sitting in front of me recently. They had kicked a boy of the same age – even when he was already lying on the ground bleeding. When I asked one of them, «How do you think the injured boy felt?», the reply was, «I don't know, and I don't care.»
What can parents do to help their children form a secure attachment to them?
Parents should first reflect on how they themselves grew up. Did they receive protection and comfort from their parents? Or only sometimes? There is a very high likelihood that they will repeat the same patterns with their own children. We know this from longitudinal studies.
If you haven't had a positive experience yourself, it's worth seeking help from advice centres: «I'd like to bring up my child differently. How can I be more attuned to my baby's cues?» And then it's a matter of putting this into practice as best you can. We're never going to get it perfectly right anyway. In our parenting programme Safe (Safe Parenting), we train expectant mothers and fathers so that they can develop a secure bond with their child.
We can't do it perfectly anyway, can we? That's reassuring to hear.
In fact, «doing the best you can» is usually enough to foster a secure attachment and help children develop resilience and emotional strength. It is also sufficient for just one primary caregiver to have a secure attachment. It doesn't even have to be the mother or father – it could be a grandmother, a nursery teacher or a schoolteacher.
Children can cope quite well with being shouted at now and then.
What specific attachment experiences do children need – during early childhood and at school age?
For healthy development, babies need plenty of physical contact, warmth and a prompt response to signals such as crying or hunger – reliably, day and night. These experiences instil in them a sense of basic trust, protection and security. Schoolchildren, too, need that fundamental sense of security: my parents are there for me. They need to know that they will always receive help when they are stressed or in distress. If the cry for help in their teenage years is: «I've messed up, everything's terrible, can you come and pick me up?», as a parent you don't reply: «I told you so!», but drive over without comment, comfort them and support them as best you can.
The first three years of life are clearly crucial for forming a secure attachment. What happens if parents miss this window of opportunity?
In fact, the foundations for attachment patterns are laid during the first three years – when the neural networks in a child's brain are forming. To stick with the house-building analogy described at the start: it is simply easiest to lay pipes and cables in a new build. Of course, this can also be done retrospectively in an old house, but it involves much more effort. When it comes to forming attachments, however, we do get a second major opportunity – namely during puberty.
Really? Just when the young ones are trying to break away from their parents?
Yes, exactly. Precisely at a time when the adolescent brain is undergoing extensive rewiring, young people are particularly receptive to forming new bonds with others. At the same time, however, this is also a challenging period. Young people find themselves torn between a hopeful «The world is my oyster» and a depressing «Everything is changing». And parents are confronted with the fact that their previously polite child is suddenly criticising them sharply and pointing out that mum and dad aren't as perfect as they always pretend to be. All of this is a painful but absolutely necessary process.
How can parents best strengthen their bond with their adolescent child?
By staying calm and constantly reminding themselves that this is a perfectly normal part of growing up. By giving their child the freedom to develop their own identity, and accepting that they might choose a completely different path from their own. And by repeatedly reassuring their teenager: «Find your own way! I'll support you and I'll be happy if you're happy.» For teenagers, on the other hand, it's important to know that they're allowed to fail, make mistakes, or drop out of school or university – and that their parents will still be there for them as a safety net. Overall, those with secure attachments cope better with difficult times and are more likely to keep a cool head.
What really undermines a bond in the long run? What mistakes should parents avoid?
If children experience prolonged stress – for example, due to emotional neglect or violence between their primary caregivers – they fail to develop a sense of basic trust and are unlikely to do well at school because they are unable to concentrate.
Generally speaking, however – and this is the key point – the attachment system is very resilient. Children are well equipped to cope if they are shouted at on occasion or if their parents are unavailable. They do not use a single incident to form a working model to guide their behaviour. The situation becomes critical, however, if things go badly over a prolonged period and there is no attachment figure there to provide reassuring support.
So a stable relationship doesn't break down that easily?
If the foundation is stable, a developing personality can withstand the occasional severe upheaval. In other words: the early stages of a plant's growth are always the most delicate. You have to keep a close eye on whether the soil and nutrients are right, and how much light and water it needs. This also applies to experiences of attachment. But once the plant has grown, become more stable and gained a certain robustness, it can even withstand a period of drought.
With a strong sense of belonging, I can travel to the ends of the earth on my own, because I know that, if the worst comes to the worst, I'll have people there to help me.
When can parents pat themselves on the back and say, «We've done it! Our child has a secure attachment»?
A young person recently told me: «The party was great; we managed without needing an ambulance.» And then went on to say: «We've now agreed amongst our group of friends that one person from the gang will stay sober and make sure everyone gets home safely.» Hearing this from a 17-year-old really touched me – that's exactly what secure attachment is all about: taking responsibility for and ensuring the safety of others within a group.
In that case, as a parent, you can actually sit back and say, «They'll manage just fine! They look out for one another and never leave anyone behind.» With such a secure bond, I could even travel to the ends of the earth on my own, because I know for certain that, if the worst comes to the worst, I'll get help from other people.
What if I'm tied up in a way that makes me feel insecure?
If I'm insecure and avoidant, I've probably found that there's no one there and I have to solve problems on my own. Which makes life harder. Attachment patterns are just as vital as our circulatory system: we can have the most brilliant mind – but if it isn't supplied with blood, we're dead. In other words: if I don't have a sense of basic trust, nothing else works either. Nurturing attachment is a lifelong journey! It is a gift when children – whatever their age – get in touch regularly and know: «My parents have an open ear and an open heart, and they support me when I need it!»
