Ms Asselmann, how do the experiences children have with us as parents shape their future happiness?
You are laying an important foundation. When children feel safe and see that their needs are taken seriously, they develop trust in themselves and in others. This has a positive impact on their future relationships, which in turn have a significant influence on our life satisfaction.
They say that a happy childhood is the key to a happy life.
I wouldn't put it quite so broadly. It used to be thought that personality was fully formed by young adulthood. Today we know that it continues to develop throughout our lives – through the experiences we have. Even in old age, these experiences can shape and change our personality. For a 50-year-old, it is likely that their life satisfaction has been influenced not only by their childhood, but above all by experiences from the past few decades.
Good relationships outside the immediate family can help to offset unfavourable starting conditions; conversely, a loving home is no guarantee of happiness in life.
Parents today invest a great deal in their children – and yet they still fear that they will be to blame if their children end up unhappy later in life.
This strong focus on childhood has a great deal to do with social changes. Having children is no longer an economic or social necessity these days; rather, it is a kind of project, a way of life that people consciously choose. This leads to higher expectations of the parental role; accordingly, family ideals are staged and also commercialised. Strong ideals make parents more susceptible to fears, and money can be made from this. Of course, the importance of childhood is also emphasised for other reasons.
What exactly?
People are born with an underdeveloped brain. Brain development is particularly plastic – that is, malleable – during the first few years of life, and is heavily influenced by external factors. During this sensitive phase, the experiences we have can have long-term neurobiological consequences. Those who experience trauma in early childhood – such as violence or neglect – may, even decades later, react differently to stress and experience more intense physical responses than people who grew up in a sheltered family environment. We also know that early and later experiences interact with one another.
What does that mean?
The fact that we always process and contextualise new experiences against the backdrop of our past experiences. If people are made to feel, even as children, that they cannot achieve anything on their own, they often have less confidence in their own abilities later on – and are therefore less likely to experience a sense of being able to make a difference and bring about positive change. Nevertheless, childhood is overestimated as a factor influencing life satisfaction in adulthood.
Why?
Because children don't just learn from their parents. Their experiences at nursery, school and in their free time, amongst their friends or during vocational training also shape them: are there trusted adults they can rely on, who can serve as good role models for them? Are they encouraged or discouraged, excluded or valued, listened to or ignored? Good relationships outside the nuclear family can help cushion the impact of an unfavourable start in life; conversely, a loving home is no guarantee of happiness in life. Setbacks and crises can almost never be attributed to a single cause – such as bad parents, the wrong friends and so on. There are always many factors at play.
A single great moment is less decisive for our life satisfaction than the sum of what we experience every day.
So even if I had an unhappy childhood, I can still become a happy person?
Of course. Even in old age, I can decide to seek support, come to terms with unpleasant experiences and patterns of behaviour, and see what I can learn from them for the future. Children need reliable, loving caregivers. I don't want to absolve parents of their responsibility. But as adults, we should refrain from holding them solely responsible for our life circumstances. At first, this might provide some relief, but in the long run it is disastrous, because we are thereby declaring ourselves victims of external circumstances beyond our control. Changes are therefore beyond our power. That is not a helpful approach to achieving greater contentment.
So how can we give our happiness a bit of a nudge?
A large part of our well-being depends on how we structure our daily lives. For example, we can make an effort to do things we enjoy and are good at on a regular basis. We can invest in relationships that lift us up, focus our attention on what is going well, and cultivate gratitude. We can pursue goals that align with our own values, rather than being guided primarily by external expectations. It is usually not the major events that have the greatest impact on our happiness.
Please explain.
Life events to which we attach particular importance – such as getting married, the birth of a child or winning the lottery – often have less of a long-term impact on our well-being than we realise. Such milestones initially trigger intense feelings of happiness, but we become accustomed to them over time. At the same time, changes that we perceive as positive often also bring with them uncertainty and the pressure to adapt.
Conversely, research shows that many people regain a stable sense of well-being in the long term, even after suffering serious setbacks. A single significant moment is often less decisive for our life satisfaction than the sum of our daily experiences.
It seems we also tend to overestimate our influence as parents. How can we nevertheless help our children to grow into confident adults?
Above all, it is important that children experience a secure, loving and warm bond. They do not need perfect parents. These days, there is often a perception that any deviation from parenting ideals could harm children in the long term. Yet it is usually not individual incidents that shape children , but the underlying attitude with which we treat them in everyday life. Parents do not have to react perfectly in every situation. Sometimes it can even help to let go of all those parenting ideals a little, to listen more to your own instincts again, and simply to try to do the best you can for your child.
