Now be grateful!
The cake was decorated with green marzipan dinosaurs until late in the evening. Presents beautifully wrapped, the table beautifully laid. And then the birthday boy or girl tears the paper to shreds in the early morning. He looks disappointed because he thought there was another present in the paper. And the cake? Eww, marzipan!
In a situation like this, parents sometimes think: What an ungrateful bunch! You work for your children from morning till night and then they never seem satisfied. «Why do I have to go to school?» «Why to football training?» «Why do I need a hat?» Something is always wrong. And the measure is rarely full.
Being grateful means that a person understands the value of something and realises who or what has contributed to this value.
Mirja Kekeritz, educational scientist
«Why is there only one ice cream?» «Why can't Sophie spend the night with us again tomorrow?» A typical parental response: «We enable and allow you to do so much. Why don't you be a little grateful that you're allowed to go to school at all? Or get an ice cream!» But can children even be grateful?
Gratitude is a highly abstract construct
«Not until adolescence,» says Karin Fasseing Heim, head of the kindergarten-junior school programme and lecturer in education, psychology and philosophy at the Thurgau University of Teacher Education in Kreuzlingen. The reason: gratitude is a highly abstract construct with a strong cognitive component.
«Being grateful means that a person understands the value of something and realises who or what has contributed to this value,» explains Mirja Kekeritz from the Institute of Educational Sciences at Osnabrück University, who is researching the topic of value formation at primary school age.
Gratitude enables people to enter into an appreciative social connection, which is why it is also considered a social bonding agent. «By being grateful, people recognise that they are dependent on others. That's why gratitude also promotes well-being,» says Mirja Kekeritz. So it's no wonder that parents long for childlike gratitude.
However, gratitude does not only arise as a value in the mind. It can also be perceived as a feeling. And even younger children are capable of this. «The perception and regulation of emotions begins at birth and develops in a variety of social situations. This is how children learn to put what they feel into words and reflect on it,» says Fasseing Heim.
Gratitude is an expectation on the part of parents which, from a developmental psychology perspective, places excessive demands on children.
Karin Fasseing Heim, lecturer in education, psychology and philosophy
This also makes it easier for them at primary school age to control their own feelings, empathise with others, show consideration and take responsibility. According to Fasseing Heim, these are all things that are more central to social development at this age and more tangible than the issue of gratitude.
«As a parent, you can ask yourself critically when in your life you have felt genuine gratitude. I can think of existential situations in particular, such as the birth of a healthy child or surviving a serious illness,» says Fasseing Heim.
In other words, situations that children don't necessarily end up in. Her conclusion: «Gratitude is an expectation on the part of parents that, from a developmental psychology perspective, places excessive demands on children for a number of reasons.»
Children should learn to say thank you at an early age
So as parents, do you have to resign yourself to raising little egotists who are always demanding instead of giving - even if it's just a «thank you»? «No. Children can learn this little word from a very early age because it is associated with a clear situation: I get something and in return I say thank you,» says Karin Fasseing Heim.
It may not be more than a gesture at first, because it is not necessarily based on a feeling of gratitude. «But saying «thank you» is so important in our society in order to be perceived positively that it is still worth teaching it to children at an early age. Gratitude may then come with it over the years,» says Fasseing Heim.
Educational scientists Mirja Kekeritz and Ulrike Graf have collected some ideas for the Lower Saxony Institute for Early Childhood Education and Development on how to teach children about gratitude:
Diaries: Every day you write down, draw or photograph what you are happy about today, who or what is important to you, what you are grateful for.
Stories: Books that deal with topics such as gratitude or appreciation create opportunities to talk about these values.
Letters: Did you get a parcel from your godmother for your birthday? A good occasion to say thank you with a letter. Gratitude is expressed in words.
Tree: «I say thank you for ...» - small pieces of paper with this message were handed out in an experiment by educational scientists at a school party, labelled by those present and hung on a tree of gratitude. This can also be done in a similar way in the family.
So a small «thank you» is enough and you can rush off to get the presents or spurn the birthday cake? «No, but what parents want to see from their children at such moments is perhaps less gratitude. I would describe it more as recognition and appreciation, respect or attentiveness,» says Fasseing Heim.
Appreciative behaviour is much more concrete for children and also not as complex as gratitude and is therefore easier for them to show. Provided that the children experience appreciative behaviour in everyday life.
Parents are role models
«Like almost everything else, children learn emotions and social behaviour primarily by observing other children and adults,» says Fasseing Heim. Do they take their time when unwrapping presents?
Do you tell your partner that the food tastes delicious today? That they are happy about the clean bathroom? Or do you as a father or mother even try self-appreciation? «What's wrong with saying out loud that the omelettes turned out well today?» asks Fasseing Heim.
All of this is better than waiting for the children to come up with appreciative words of their own accord. At best, they will copy the desired behaviour. But parents can't expect it. «I would see recognition and appreciation more as a bonus that you get on top on some days,» says Fasseing Heim. And sometimes children only show this after a delay.
For example, on a family outing or on holiday. Sometimes there is a lot of grumbling (long journey, too hot, too boring!) and whinging (So far to walk! When can we go home again?). And then at some point you look at photos together and marvel at the positive memories that are evoked.
And if not? «As parents, you have to ask yourself honestly who actually wanted to go on the trip. And be satisfied with the fact that you at least had a nice day or a nice holiday yourself,» says Fasseing Heim.
To be honest, the dinosaur cake was also more of a self-realisation project. It looked really sensationally beautiful. But in terms of flavour, all that artificial green marzipan? Yuck!
- Gratitude is a very complex value that can only really be understood and practised from adolescence onwards.
- What parents mean when they demand gratitude is often more respect, appreciation or mindfulness.
- Children learn such feelings best when parents actively model them in everyday life.
- Instead of waiting for your children to show you appreciation, you can set a good example and show appreciation for yourself out loud. Perhaps someone will join in with the praise over lunch.
- Some things for which parents demand gratitude or appreciation, the children themselves may not even want.
