New love - new happiness?

Father, mother and the children of the marriage: this is what the traditional idea of a family looks like. But this is becoming less and less true to reality. Social developments that have led to alternatives are reflected in the divorce rate, for example. Two out of five marriages in Switzerland end in divorce, with underage children involved in almost half of them.

Patchwork families are an increasingly common alternative to the traditional model: ten per cent of divorced men and women in Germany live in couple households with children. Added to this is the number of unmarried mothers and fathers who set up a stepfamily, as patchwork families are known in science, after separation, which is not included in the statistics.

In the 19th century, patchwork families were much more common than they are today.

Norbert Schneider, sociologist

Only the term «patchwork» is new, not the constellation, says sociologist Norbert Schneider: «In the 19th century, stepfamilies were much more common than patchwork families are today.» According to Schneider, they often arose out of sheer necessity: mortality was high and those who were left alone with children remarried in order to secure the family's livelihood. Today, patchwork families are usually formed independently of social constraints: Two adults, at least one of whom has children from a previous relationship, move in together out of love.

A major challenge

«Patchwork» means «patchwork» in German and is also a term for colourful fabric creations. This evokes cheerful associations, just like celebrities who stage their patchwork clan and emphasise that it is only the connection of hearts that counts.

However, everyday life in such a relationship is challenging. Children suddenly have to share a parent with whom they have lived alone with a partner. They may mourn their original family and be reluctant to replace it with a new one.

Half of patchwork partnerships break up.

The situation is also complicated for those who live under the same roof as their new love's offspring: Will the relationship with the children work out? Can you interfere in their upbringing? It becomes even more complex if both parents have children from previous relationships: Will they grow up together as siblings or be rivals? Do you have to love stepchildren like your own?

Not to mention the organisational challenges that arise when children have more than one home, parents living away from home have to be involved and the needs of all parties involved have to be taken into account. So it's hardly surprising that half of patchwork partnerships break up.

Empathy is required

How can this family model succeed - despite everything? What stumbling blocks do those involved need to be prepared for and how can they deal with them? In short: What do children and adults need to turn the patchwork into a sustainable network of relationships?

«In our view, the most important prerequisite for the success of a patchwork family is being able to understand the actions and reactions of the other people involved. Those who can empathise with others and understand their actions are less likely to insist on their own point of view and react more flexibly and understandingly. This initiates a process that makes it possible to build better relationships,» write Claudia Starke and Thomas Hess in «The Patchwork Book - How Two Families Grow Together». They are specialists in psychiatry and psychotherapy, run a joint practice on Lake Zurich and specialise in couples and family therapy.

Children as a yardstick

Three out of four families who seek her help live in a patchwork constellation. «However, this is not usually the reason for going to a therapist, at least not from the adults' point of view,» says Hess. «Most of them come because the children are causing problems. They refuse to go to school or stand out negatively there, challenge their parents with aggressive behaviour or withdraw more and more into themselves.»

The success of the new family depends very much on whether the old one has come to a peaceful end.

It often only becomes apparent at second glance that the reason for the problems is the family situation, that children are overwhelmed by the patchwork constellation or suffer from conflicts that quarrelling ex-partners carry out through them. «Maladjusted children say it straight out: I hate your new boyfriend,» says Hess. «The reticent ones draw attention to themselves with behavioural problems or physical symptoms.»

What the two therapists know after 20 years of experience: The success of the new family depends to a large extent on whether the old one has come to a reasonably peaceful end and whether the relationship with the ex-partner has been clarified to such an extent that the parents can co-operate well.

Children in a clinch

If one parent suggests to the child that the ex is doing it wrong, the child gets into a conflict of loyalty: out of solidarity with one parent, it makes negative comments about the other, which causes inner distress because the child needs both parents. Or, based on what it hears and observes, it tries to judge who is doing more wrong, defends the respective parent - «Because dad has to give you so much money, he has none left for himself» - and gets caught up in a vicious circle.

Loyalty conflicts are a risk factor for healthy development. They occur, to a greater or lesser extent, in some divorced families and can be exacerbated by a patchwork constellation. For example, if one parent badmouths the ex-partner's new love interest. «This makes it difficult for the child to engage with the stepmother or stepfather because they believe they are betraying a parent,» says therapist Hess. The likelihood of conflicts from the old family torpedoing the new one and causing it to be torn apart is then very high.

Starke knows that reflecting on the failure of a partnership and your own part in it not only paves the way for cooperative parenting by the ex-partner after a separation, it also improves the prognosis for the subsequent romantic relationship and patchwork family: «If you critically question your own behaviour, you run less risk of repeating unfavourable relationship patterns.»

However, Hess observes that the associated debate is challenging, «and many choose to move forward instead.» «They focus on new love, hope that it will give them a brighter outlook and new happiness, and see this as a patchwork family.»

Waiting with moving in together

Not only does this run the risk of overloading the new partnership with expectations - in the endeavour to leave conflicts behind, the ex-partner is often ignored. As a result, many people hardly involve the parent living away from them, usually the father, in family matters. «That doesn't work,» says Hess, «after all, these also affect his children.» Problems are then pre-programmed: with the parent who feels excluded and starts to dissent or withdraws from the parental role out of resentment; with the children who notice this, show solidarity and oppose the stepparent.

Even under better conditions, growing together as a patchwork family requires a lot of empathy and patience. «Many move in together too quickly,» observes family therapist Hess, «They are confident and report that things are going well with the children and the new love when it comes to visit.» In fact, during this phase, the emotions that inspire the newlyweds often also have an effect on the children, who are happy that their mum or dad is happy again. «Then they move in together and there's a row.»

It takes time for everyone to get used to the new situation - up to two years.

When a patchwork family is formed, one family culture suddenly breaks into the other - and with it sometimes irritating habits, house rules or parenting styles. It takes time for everyone to get used to the new situation - up to two years depending on the age of the children, as research results show.

«One of the biggest stumbling blocks is the idea that if you do it right, you'll harmonise with each other,» says Ria Eugster, mediator, coach and administrator of the Patchworkfamilie.ch network. She wasn't welcomed with open arms either when her partner told his daughters - aged 11, 15 and 20 at the time - that his girlfriend was moving in with her five and seven-year-old girls. «The eldest announced she was moving out, the middle one disappeared into the room.»

Eugster knows that the children's scepticism or rejection is not usually directed at the person, but is an expression of their fear of losing something in the new situation: their place in dad's passenger seat, exclusive time with their mother, the opportunity to have a say or cherished habits. Among other things, Ria Eugster's teenage stepdaughters saw the freedoms they had while their father was working at risk: undisturbed meals in front of the TV, the privilege of not having an adult interfering during the day.

«Now a mum with two children arrived, who was also at home all the time,» says Eugster with a laugh. «They thought that was the last straw.» The 15-year-old's displeasure gave way to joy that there was now always someone to talk to who was interested in her topics. The eldest moved out. «She didn't want to change,» says Eugster. «I had furniture I could give her and helped her move. That's how we got closer.»

In the same way, children who don't know each other often don't want to be step-siblings. Micha, then 11, was not very keen on the idea of sharing dad Christoph's four walls with Leon and Nino, who were moving in with mum Regine. Micha rejected his stepbrother Leon outright. «I missed my peace and quiet,» Micha remembers, «and consistently turned him down.»

One afternoon eleven years ago, when the patchwork family took their first steps, is etched in mum Regine's memory: «The trip ended in disaster. Leon was sobbing because Micha had dumped him, Micha was in tears because he was just annoyed, and Nino was shouting that he wanted to go home. In the end, everyone was crying except Christoph. I thought: this will never work.»

Clearly define roles

Parents can make the start of a patchwork family easier for children if they don't force anything - neither the relationship between the children nor the relationship with the stepchild. It is also important to differentiate roles, advises expert Starke: "A stepparent should define themselves primarily as the partner of their new love, not as a substitute mother or father.

You don't have to love your stepchildren as much as your own children.

Claudia Starke, psychiatrist

Ideally, you offer yourself to the children as a caregiver, but at the same time they must realise that they don't have to love the stepfather or stepmother as much as the biological parent who lives away from them." The same applies vice versa: «You don't have to love your stepchildren as much as your own - nothing stands in the way of a loving relationship with them.»

Patchwork coach Eugster knows that children are more likely to accept relationship offers if they are allowed to set the pace, if the stepparent has an open ear for them and is interested in their everyday life without wanting to imitate them.

«However,» says Eugster, «the latter is easier said than done.» Men are often better at being a good friend to their stepchildren and not falling into the substitute father trap, while stepmothers often have no choice but to get involved in their children's upbringing: «For the simple reason that they do more care work than stepfathers. This results in points of contact with the children that cause friction.»

The wicked stepmother

Research also shows this: The relationship with the stepmother is more often characterised by conflict. Because fathers more often delegate tasks relating to the children to their new partners than vice versa, says family therapist Starke, and it doesn't take a nuclear family for classic role models to continue to have an effect: «Many women automatically fall into the role of domestic provider as soon as children are involved. The archaic image of women is closely linked to the myth of the good mother and even prevails where there is no actual motherhood. After all, there are no evil stepfathers in fairy tales, but the female counterpart is omnipresent.»

Research shows that the relationship with the stepmother is more often characterised by conflict.

One of the most common stepmother traps is that women try to counteract these prejudices as much as possible. «At some point, the feeling of not doing anything right rightly arises,» says Starke. «Either the stepmother is accused of a lack of commitment despite her best efforts, simply because she has a closer bond with her own children, or she is told that she is interfering too much in the upbringing of her stepchildren because she is trying to compensate for her less intensive relationship with them.»

In contrast, men often expect what expert Hess calls the «stepfather balancing act»: «In a patchwork situation, they often bear the main financial responsibility for two households, while at the same time they want to be committed fathers and spend time with their children - with those from the new partnership, but also those from the ex-relationship, most of whom live with the mother.» The resulting pressure to reconcile financial obligations and the relationship with the children is often immense.

A frequent point of conflict in patchwork families concerns how one partner deals with the other's biological children. To what extent should one partner be involved in the upbringing of children who are not their own? «Fundamental decisions, such as on media use, school topics or nutritional issues, are a matter for the biological parent and the ex-partner,» says Eugster.

As a stepparent, you can be supportive by helping to make these decisions, which is particularly helpful with young children. «From the age of 12 or 13, parenting is largely over and it's more about questions of living together.» It is up to the adults to establish a binding framework in consultation.

Patchwork families offer great potential for personal development.

Thomas Hess, psychiatrist

«With just a few rules that cover the bare essentials,» says Eugster: «Household chores or the use of shared rooms, for example. It should be a minimum, and the partners have to be fully behind it.» It is important to announce the rules to the children together - along with the information that both adults have the right to demand that they follow them. «When my stepdaughters left the kitchen in a mess, I made sure to ask them to tidy up,» says Eugster. «It was their father who decided when they should study or be at home.»

Invest in relationships

Despite all of the difficult times that a patchwork family brings for those involved: In the vast majority of cases, it is worth fighting for, say therapists Hess and Starke. «Not only to see the longed-for wish of a happy love fulfilled, but also because a patchwork family offers great potential for personal development,» says Hess.

«You're constantly encouraged to face up to your fear of conflict and deal with it sensibly, you learn to incorporate other points of view and to live different relationships in different ways thanks to the additional attachment figures.» For children in particular, Hess knows that well-functioning patchwork families are top-class socialisation biotopes: «But you have to invest in relationships for this - even in those that you might have preferred to cut.»