«Step-parents are not competition for parents»

Mrs Walper, how do children in patchwork families fare?

There is no generalised answer to this question: there is no such thing as «the» patchwork family. We are dealing with a very diverse group. In this context, science has traditionally focussed on primary stepfather families, in which the child lives with its biological mother and her new partner. However, there are other constellations, such as the «weekend stepmother family», which arises when the separated father moves in with a new partner.

Many children in patchwork families have experienced the separation of their parents. What does this mean for their development?

Separation is an extremely stressful phase for most children, which can lead to behavioural problems, psychological problems and school or social difficulties, especially in the short term. However, long-term studies show that this stress decreases noticeably in the first three years and the majority of children do not develop chronic problems. However, developmental trajectories vary - family relationships play a key role here.

In what way?

Research shows that ongoing conflicts between parents, an impaired parenting style and a difficult relationship with the separated parent are key risk factors for child development. However, many of these problems do not only occur after the separation, but often precede it for years. This relativises the understanding of what is to be classified as a separation effect.

Patchwork is demonstrably more difficult with teenagers.

There are also nuclear families in which children are exposed to such stresses, such as partnership conflicts that do not stop. Breaking up can actually have a positive effect on children's development - as long as there is peace afterwards. If not, children face long-term disadvantages in terms of mental health, social relationships and career opportunities.

How frequent are long-term conflict-ridden separations?

International data suggests that 10 to 20 per cent of separations are highly contentious. In contrast, every third to second ex-couple manages to co-operate well. The rest practise what is known as parallel parenting: there is little exchange, each parent brings up their children according to their own ideas. This can be peaceful, but the parents often avoid each other in order to avoid arguments.

Recent studies have shown that there are often hidden conflicts in this model, which the ex-partners resolve through the child by undermining each other's parenting efforts. As in highly contentious cases, children then run the risk of becoming embroiled in loyalty conflicts that are detrimental to their development.

What does it do to children when a new nuclear family follows the dissolved one?

We find no significant differences in the development of children from patchwork and single-parent families. Due to the separation experience that the majority of them have had, both groups are at risk of disadvantages compared to their peers from nuclear families, which we have discussed.

The presence of a stepfather in a child's life has no influence on their emotional closeness to their biological father.

Starting a patchwork family initially means a change for a child, which requires them to make considerable adjustments. This is easier until primary school age. Especially when it comes to building a relationship with the stepparent. Older children may perceive them as competition and question their role.

And then?

Patience and empathetic restraint are required. The endeavour is demonstrably more difficult with adolescents - their age-typical autonomy often runs counter to the couple's efforts to grow together as a family. However, a new partnership also has the potential to defuse conflicts between the estranged biological parents and thus improve the situation for the children. Several studies have shown this.

That doesn't sound very plausible at first.

If a break-up is accompanied by major injuries, it is often impossible for those involved to put aside their resentment. They become lost in anger and pain. A new partnership can often get people out of this vicious circle because it offers a perspective: The focus is no longer just on old hurts, on what didn't work out. There is a view to the future, a perspective.

This helps to make the relationship with the ex-partner less tense. Researchers even often observe that contact with the parent living away from home becomes more frequent when a new partner enters the life of the main carer.

Many separated parents are afraid that their ex-partner's new love could become a competitor - as far as the children are concerned.

There have been many studies on the relationship between fathers who separate and their children who mainly live with their mother. At least for this constellation, the most common, research can give the all-clear: The presence of a stepfather in the child's life generally has no influence on the child's emotional closeness to the biological father, nor on joint activities or the frequency of contact. The latter only weakens slightly if the biological father also founds a subsequent family - which can be explained by the fact that he now has to divide up his time resources.

What can be said about the relationship between children and their stepfather?

We compared the relationship between separated children and their biological father and their stepfather and interviewed both children and adults. The majority of stepfathers and stepchildren reported a good mutual relationship, whereby the children's attachment to their biological father was slightly stronger. Stepparents are no competition for parents - but they are often very important to them.

Studies suggest that it is difficult for most children when the stepparent separates from the biological parent. Lawyers who see stepfamilies in court tell me similar things: They often hear of cases where stepchildren suffered more than siblings who were born into the patchwork family as a result of it ending.