New family models: And how are the children doing?

Father, mother, child(ren) - for a long time, it seemed self-evident in which family form children would grow up. And today, the first family system is still considered to be the one on which politics and society are orientated. It seems the most natural, stable and «normal».

Yet the forms of cohabitation have always been very diverse and the supposedly stable image of the family has been permeated by other family forms for a long time. It is often forgotten that the «traditional» family is a relatively new model in human history, which only became established as the norm towards the middle of the 19th century.

What is defined as normal is relative and changeable.

You should be aware of this: Normal is defined as what the majority of people in a society do or do not do. Normal is therefore relative and changeable. A family model is a description of the composition of a family and their life together. However, it says little about the quality of life together.

Who belongs to the family is subjective

The people who make up a family and the relationship between them can be defined in very different ways. While the biological family model includes all people who are related by blood, psychological models characterise families by the fact that the individual members feel a strong sense of belonging and connection to one another. If one member of the family is in a bad way or has done particularly well, the others are also affected and empathise.

There is a special feeling of closeness and intimacy among the members. As a rule, the members live together, share experiences, experience togetherness and feel a sense of belonging. This means that a family is generally designed to last and be stable. The subjective experience of the members is the essential criterion of the family.

In psychological terms, the family construct therefore allows different forms to coexist: Who belongs to a family is defined by the individual family members themselves. Family is therefore independent of blood relationship, marriage certificate or - in some cases - the running of a joint household.

The different perceptions of who belongs to the family and who does not often lead to differences.

The question of who we count as family has an impact on our behaviour: We want to have contact with our family. We want to feel connected to them. For example, people who are subjectively part of the family are invited to family celebrations.

However, this also makes it clear that who belongs to the family can be interpreted differently by the various members of the family. It is not uncommon for the different perceptions of who belongs and who doesn't to lead to differences. Is mum's new partner also part of the family or not (yet)? And what about the new half-siblings?

Being parents in an alternative family form

There are various reasons why alternative family models emerge and families do not correspond to the traditional «ideal image» of a family. These alternative models are not always freely chosen and do not always correspond to the desired image of the family itself. We must be aware of this: Ideal images shape and influence our consciousness and our behaviour. Feelings of guilt and insecurity are often the result. But these do not help.

Children need positive, supportive, loving and stable relationships with adults.

No matter how the different family models came about and how they are lived: The questions and needs of the children growing up in these families remain the same. The research findings are clear in this regard: children need positive, supportive, loving and stable relationships with adults who have the courage to bring them up and help children and young people to go their own way. Stigmatisation and prejudice, on the other hand, are not helpful.

How is a family formed?

Changes in family models are most frequently the result of divorces and separations. These life changes force all family members to adapt to new situations. And it takes time for all family members to find and redefine themselves.

When someone leaves the family or someone new joins a family, it is not always easy. New partners are chosen by the parents, not the children. They often perceive them as a threat: Will the new person take my mum or dad away from me? Am I still important to my mum and dad? These are normal questions, as changes in family structures always bring with them uncertainties.

Developing a sense of security takes time and patience. We only gain security through experience: If these are positive and stable, trust can develop. Everyday experiences show children who takes responsibility for them, who is there for them, who supports and respects them.

Children want the adults who love them to understand each other. Nothing is more unsettling for children than parents who are constantly at odds with each other, for example. Parents who don't talk to each other, or parents who can no longer listen to and understand each other.

How to avoid conflicts of loyalty

Children have a very keen sense of how their parents feel. They have to be, because they are dependent on their parents. They need to be able to assess what happens when mum or dad have a certain feeling. And children also clearly know how parents can deal with their feelings: Can dad deal with grief? Is mum hurt when she is told how great it is with dad?

It is not uncommon for children to take responsibility for how their parents are doing. They want to protect their parents. And themselves from powerlessness, self-reproach and ambivalent feelings that they find difficult to deal with. In their behaviour, they try to reduce the tensions. Withdrawal or no longer expressing what they think and feel are signs that a child is protecting themselves.

Children should not be caught in the middle.

Conflicts of loyalty arise when children feel they have to judge a parent and take a position. The causes of loyalty conflicts lie with the adults. They are also responsible for ensuring that the child does not get caught in the middle. They must signal to them and allow them to maintain their personal relationships with all family members who are important to them, with both parents, grandparents and other people who belong to the family from the child's point of view.

Children are allowed to have their own feelings. They are allowed to form their own judgements. These judgements do not always have to be shared by the parents. Talking about how I feel as a mum or dad is important so that children can categorise the often unclear signals. It is equally important for parents to express that it is not up to the child to protect them or protect them from pain.

Learning to deal with your own feelings

Even if it sometimes hurts, it is necessary to keep signalling to the child that you can and will deal with their feelings yourself. Not all adults manage this equally well. Not all feelings are nice. Many are painful and hurt. And yet these feelings have a meaning. They show us what we need, what we may have lost and what is important to us.

Accepting this is an important step in being able to categorise and find ways to rebuild our balance. When a person is emotionally balanced, can feel and accept themselves, with all their feelings and thoughts, they become open again to what is happening outside of them. Open to other people, to life and also to a lost or abandoned partner. And thus also more relaxed about how the children deal with the person who has supposedly done us harm. But whom the child loves, recognises as part of their family and wants to experience.

Children want to be normal

At a certain age, children realise that they may not grow up like their peers and friends. They begin to ask questions and want to know why things are different for them than for others. Whatever the life situation is: The child should get honest answers about why they are growing up in a way of life that is different from others. The child doesn't need to know all the details, but they should understand why a relationship was broken off, why they don't know one or even both of their parents. And they can feel that they are loved and protected just as they are.

The decisive factor is whether the child feels safe and well cared for, regardless of the type of family in which it grows up. Do they feel a sense of loving togetherness? Are they allowed to develop according to their talents and interests and discover their talents? If parents can answer these questions in the affirmative, they are doing a lot of things right - regardless of the type of family they have.