«My fears should not determine our everyday lives»

Kathrin Ulrich, 43, has been a housewife and mother since the birth of her children Meret*, 5, and Basil*, 1, while her husband Nils, 39, works as a specialist in neurosurgery.

Before my children were born, I didn't perceive myself as an anxious person. I didn't think much about illnesses, strokes of fate and possible dangers. When I did worry, it was mostly about professional matters, such as the question of whether I would be able to do something the way I imagined.

Before I became a mum, I worked as a PR consultant. When my husband and I were expecting our first child, I had a very romanticised idea of motherhood. I was looking forward to slowly growing into the role and filling it with lots of closeness and happiness.

Excessive fear doesn't help me and doesn't protect me or my loved ones.

Unfortunately, our reality was very different: Meret was born nine weeks prematurely due to severe pregnancy poisoning. I was in intensive care and the little one was in the neonatal intensive care unit. It was like a hammer blow. It was a matter of life and death.

From one moment to the next, I was scared to death for my child. The fact that I was also in a bad way didn't really affect me. Like any mother, I would have given my life to make my daughter feel better. Meret was in hospital for a few weeks longer than I was. I spent so many nights lying awake so as not to miss a call from the hospital!

It was terrible to be so helplessly at the mercy of this fear and it took a long time to get over this feeling. Even when Meret was at home with us, I was on alert. I was constantly checking her breathing and disinfecting everything to minimise the risk of infection. I then went to see a psychologist and underwent hypnotherapy. I didn't want my fears to continue to dominate our everyday lives.

Dealing with fears

In the meantime, I think I'm a normally anxious mum. I've also learnt that excessive anxiety doesn't help me at all and doesn't protect me or my loved ones. I was able to deal with our second-born, Basil, in a more relaxed way right from the start.

That doesn't mean that I'm carefree now. There are things that are important to me: road safety is one of them. People don't ride bikes without helmets, and Meret has to push her bike on the pavement next to a big road. What if a car whizzes past and she steers the wrong way because she gets scared?

Our daughter now wants to go to kindergarten on her own. I also want to fulfil her need for more independence, I want her to feel big! However, at the moment she often overestimates herself a little and doesn't stick to the route we agreed on.

My husband is therefore against it. He said quite clearly: «No, I'm not ready yet. I'm afraid of that.» He also doesn't want several children to jump on the trampoline together. He's worried about the risk of injury. I'm more relaxed about it, but I have to respect that. There's no point in simply ignoring fears. I know that from experience.

*Names of the children changed