Suddenly, Andrea Bättig felt transported back to those nights. Those nights when the baby in her arms just cried and cried, no matter what she did. Breastfeeding, rocking, changing nappies, singing, stroking – nothing helped. She was powerless.
It was the same again now. Her daughter was now 14, the nights of crying were long gone, but the feeling was the same: absolute powerlessness. During a car journey, her daughter had confided in her and told her that she had had an unrequited crush on a boy for some time. From that moment on, the mother wanted only one thing: to help her daughter, to take away her pain.
But how? «It was hard to bear,» says Andrea Bättig. She had to accept that, as a mother, there was nothing more she could do than be there for her daughter, not to leave her alone with her anger, grief and despair – just as she had done when the teenager was still a baby.
Heartbreak remains
The first heartbreak is particularly painful. Not only your own, but also that of your children. When your son or daughter retreats to their bedroom, listens to sad music, loses their appetite, even for chocolate pudding or ice cream, when they are endlessly sad, desperate or angry and no longer want to go to school – then many parents feel helpless.
They are used to removing as many obstacles as possible from their children's path. But heartbreak cannot simply be pushed aside or dealt with through other channels, as was the case in the past when a child was bitten at nursery – at least then you could talk to the attacker's parents. Now call the parents of your ex-boyfriend or crush? Unthinkable – or, to put it in the words of young people: «cringe».
Parents should pull themselves together, not probe too much, but still signal: I am here for you.
Pia Brand, family psychologist
What's more, your own child is usually only willing to talk to a limited extent. It is not uncommon for parents to find themselves standing in front of closed bedroom doors. Instead of crying in Mummy or Daddy's arms, their offspring prefer to confide in their best friend – which is completely age-appropriate behaviour. But it is also a painful realisation that mothers and fathers often encounter during puberty: they are no longer number one.
Establishing connections
When it comes to heartbreak, when the child is so obviously suffering, this realisation hits many parents hard, right in the heart. They would love to storm into their child's bedroom and beg them: Talk to me! But this impulse should be resisted at all costs, says family psychologist Pia Brand, who specialises in puberty. «Pushing only has a counterproductive effect.»
Parents should instead pull themselves together, not probe too much, but still signal: «I'm here for you.» That means cooking their favourite meal or watching a film together if their daughter or son wants to, yes. Jumping straight into analysing relationship mistakes, no.
According to Brand, it is also helpful to ask directly: What would help you right now? Talking or distraction? After all, everyone needs something different. «This also prevents parents from being tempted to give unsolicited advice.» It's not about saying the «right» thing, but rather about creating a bond. «Anything that creates closeness helps , » says Pia Brand.
Taking heartbreak seriously
The opposite of closeness, namely distance, arises when parents do not recognise heartbreak as a grieving process, but instead downplay it. Parents should refrain from saying things like «Other mothers have nice sons too» or «The pain will be over by the time you get married,» says Brand, as such statements ridicule love and grief.
Andrea Bättig had to learn this too. Realising that her 14-year-old daughter wasn't just experiencing a «little crush» but was seriously lovesick was a learning process for her.
The annoying thing is that it's hard to distract yourself from heartbreak. The feeling sometimes comes at completely the wrong moment and suddenly becomes very strong.
Lara, 14
After a few weeks, her daughter told her to her face that she didn't feel she was being taken seriously. That she felt her mother was just joking about it and teasing her, saying she was still too young for heartbreak. Andrea Bättig was shocked: «I didn't know how seriously she was in love.» This led to a conversation between mother and daughter. They finally agreed that the daughter could talk about it anytime – but didn't have to.
What do you need?
«If parents manage to show that they are there for their children, then the children will open up,» promises Brand. She has seen this happen many times in her work as a family counsellor. It is important to be truly present when children open up. Drop everything, don't look at your mobile phone, just let the child talk. Without immediately giving advice or contradicting them. «When young people open a door, you shouldn't close it again straight away.»
In addition to listening, one question in particular can help: What do you need? Sometimes it's just a little break from school. Because running into the boy who hurt you so much during break time the next day? That stings, and can sometimes seem almost unbearable. And anyway, how are you supposed to concentrate on your lessons when your thoughts are racing and longing is tormenting your brain?
Accepting fears
If you had the same friends as a couple, the question also arises: Who will I hang out with during breaks now? What will happen to our circle of friends? Will I lose my friends as well as my ex-boyfriend? « Fears like these can knock young people off their feet,» says Pia Brand. She therefore advises parents to accept these fears at first and allow their teenager to stay at home – without immediately adding the warning that this cannot be a permanent situation. Because they know that themselves.
When asked directly what they think is the best remedy for heartbreak, 14-year-old Lara says, «Not much, really.» Heartbreak is a feeling, and feelings don't just go away; you can't just switch them off. «The most annoying thing about it is that it's hard to distract yourself from it. The feeling sometimes comes at completely the wrong moment and suddenly becomes very strong. That can cause real confusion in my head.»
Past loves remain present today: on social media, in photo retrospectives, in status updates.
Talking to her friends is the best thing. «They usually understand me better than my parents.» Not to mention that her friends know the boy who is responsible for her heartbreak, so she can talk about her feelings in a completely different way. Other things that help her are Taylor Swift, her favourite music to cheer her up, or a little emo when she feels sad. And sometimes seeing the boy. But not too often, otherwise the heartbreak gets worse again, says Lara.
The ex is digitally omnipresent
For this very reason, it has become much more difficult for today's teenagers to cope with heartbreak than it was for their parents. Seeing the boy – whereas in the past this meant real encounters, Lara now encounters «the boy» constantly: on social media, in automatically generated reviews on her mobile phone, in status updates on WhatsApp. Even shared photos on digital channels cannot be deleted with a single click, and many young people also find it difficult to consistently delete old love messages on their smartphones.
Instead, the temptation to use social media to find out what your ex is thinking, feeling or doing, or who might already be «replacing» you, is much greater. Forget your great love like that? Impossible. Sometimes it almost feels as if you are still together despite the break-up.
Teenagers who got together with their first big love early in puberty, at a stage when they are beginning to break away from their parents and discover who they are, find it particularly difficult. Instead of an «us», there is suddenly only an «I». But who is that, actually?
How much heartbreak is normal?
The best thing about heartbreak, however, is that it eventually passes – and that hasn't changed. But how much grief is normal, and when should parents take a closer look? Experts advise doing so after about six weeks if there is no sign of improvement.
According to family psychologist Brand, other warning signs include when young people lose interest in things they used to enjoy, when they withdraw from everything, including their own circle of friends, when their grades deteriorate permanently or when they lose their appetite completely. In such cases, parents should not hesitate to seek advice from counselling centres or psychological professionals. Just as they used to take their crying child to the sleep clinic or ask the midwife for advice on milk congestion.
