Remember the condoms!

Suddenly this young man appears in the doorway. «Mum, Dad, this is Luca, can he sleep with me tonight?» asks the 15-year-old daughter. Then, without waiting for an answer, she pulls the sheepishly grinning boy into the children's room. There, where it seems like only yesterday the child was building Playmobil worlds. The parents look at each other, perplexed. «And now what?» asks the father. «I have no idea,» says the mum. «But she's obviously in love.»

You can fall in love at any age. Even kindergarten children sometimes develop a great affection for each other, feel the desire for closeness and want to spend a lot of time together with the chosen child, whom they find very exciting. «With puberty, the hormonal changes in the body set in and the love object becomes increasingly sexually interesting,» says Yvette Plambeck, gynaecologist and sex therapist at the Centre for Interdisciplinary Sexology and Medicine Zismed in Zurich.

Young people in Switzerland are around 16 years old when they have their first sexual contact. They experience their real first time about a year later. These were the findings of the online survey «Sexual health and behaviour of young people in Switzerland» conducted by the University Hospitals of Zurich and Lausanne in 2017.

If the offspring are seriously in love, this is usually noticeable: For example, when hobbies are suddenly no longer so important, but personal hygiene is. When communication with a certain person increases immensely and the offspring is only chatting and talking on the phone. Or when a son or daughter is perhaps more thin-skinned and irritable - because they find it difficult to categorise all these new feelings.

Mother and father are dethroned

However, a child's first love can also trigger strong feelings in the parents. After all, they have to let go just when the child does. If they were the object of their son's or daughter's love until just now, they are suddenly dethroned. «This can be unsettling,» says Andrea Kramer, child and adolescent psychotherapist and lecturer at the Institute of Applied Psychology at Zurich University of Applied Sciences (ZHAW).

Because it also illustrates an impending generational change: «All of a sudden I felt 20 years older,» says the mother of a 17-year-old. «My daughter had only just been born - and suddenly the first potential son-in-law was standing in the flat. And I wasn't allowed to ask any questions, I had to be cool, accept the chosen one as a member of the family. And act as if eternal love was sealed and I was totally relaxed.»

The fact is that we cannot protect our offspring from painful experiences of love.

How mum or dad experience their child's first love depends very much on the associations they themselves have with it. «If you have fond memories of your first love, there is often a sense of joy and pride because it is another step in your child's development,» says Kramer. If, on the other hand, you have difficult memories of this time, it is more likely to trigger worries. «It's important not to project your own feelings onto the child and to be clear: Do these feelings have to do with me or with my child?»

Do not issue any bans

The fact is that we cannot protect our offspring from painful experiences of love, even if the parental need to pass on their own experiences is great. «To a certain extent, that's okay - if that's what the young person wants,» says Kramer. «But especially when it comes to first love, it's important to respect the child's privacy - and to trust them to have their own experiences.» After all, this is also part of the detachment process.

The psychologist finds it difficult when parents issue bans out of the reflex «I want to protect my child». «These usually only have the opposite effect: the young people then meet in secret and parents no longer have any insight.»

Talking to children about sexuality is key, says gynaecologist Plambeck. And not just when the offspring have butterflies in their stomach for the first time and parents are no longer the most important confidant - but much, much earlier. «Anyone who is willing to talk about this topic from an early age and has always signalled: «You can also come to me with questions about sex and love!» will have an easier time with pubescent children.» At the same time, however, mum and dad must also respect it if their son or daughter doesn't want to talk to them about this topic (anymore).

But what is the best way for parents to react if the young couple want to stay overnight with one of them? «Keep calm,» says Andrea Kramer. «Spending the night together is not necessarily associated with sex, but rather with closeness. We should be careful not to impose our own ideas on our offspring.»

Daughters in particular need to be taught that they must take responsibility for their own sexual health.

At the same time, it is important to seek dialogue and make certain agreements so that the family dynamic remains in balance. «For example, I want to know who is spending the night with us, who I meet in the morning or whether my daughters are coming home,» says the psychologist, who is the mother of a 19-year-old and a 17-year-old daughter.

«If someone just sneaks around the flat and doesn't introduce themselves, that's not acceptable to me,» says sex therapist Plambeck, who has two grown-up children. It's also worth clarifying things like «Who uses the bathroom when?» or «How do you walk around dressed?» together beforehand.

Talk about contraception

Parents should also definitely address the topic of contraception. Daughters in particular need to be taught that they must take responsibility for their own sexual health. In her professional practice, Plambeck has noticed time and again that leadership is still often given to boys, even by girls. «They usually think: The boy will have condoms with him».

What helps? A relaxed attitude from parents - also to prevent young people from having to buy contraceptives in secret. The sex therapist suggests that mum and dad should do this anyway, accompanied by the announcement: «By the way, there are condoms here, right next to the tissues, you can help yourself if you need them!»

In her consultation, Plambeck recommends that young women always carry condoms with them, especially when they go out. So that they are to hand at the crucial moment.

How intense and totally absorbing first love can be should not be underestimated. There is a high probability that the child will neglect everything else due to being so in love. «Parents are best reminded of their own first big crush,» laughs Andrea Kramer. Then you realise that it will sort itself out again.

At the same time, it doesn't hurt to negotiate a few ground rules - such as «sleepovers only at weekends» or «chatting only until 11 pm». You may also be able to contact your boyfriend's or girlfriend's parents - if that suits both young people - and make arrangements together.

Parents should never try to talk their child out of having a boyfriend or girlfriend.

However, it is much trickier when parents have problems with their offspring's partner. Should they address this openly? Or would they rather not? «There's no need to ask this question,» says Yvette Plambeck, «children notice quite quickly anyway.» However, as a mum or dad, you should be clear about this: If I don't want this person to be at my house all the time, does this mean that my child might be spending the night with the other family all the time - is that what I want?

Her tip: «Stay authentic and talk about it.» And don't try to talk the child out of having a boyfriend or girlfriend. «That's not our job and only takes us away from the child,» says Plambeck. «After all, the person has to be right for my child - and not for me.» In most cases, it helps to trust the child and get to know their boyfriend or girlfriend better first. After all, this person must have something that attracts the daughter or son.

Dos and don'ts

First love - how parents behave correctly

Dos: What is the ideal response?

• Take an interest, be happy for the offspring, signal «I support you and am there for you».
• Know where to hold back as a parent (don't impose your own experiences).
• Think for yourself («What about contraception?»), talk about protecting your own boundaries («Can you say no if the other person wants more?»). If the child doesn't want to talk about it, accept this. If parents find the conversation difficult: delegate it to a specialist (see tips on contact points).
• Even if young people no longer signal this so clearly: Parents are still an important part of their lives, bear responsibility and act as role models.

Don'ts: What should you refrain from doing?

• Trivialising, making fun of - even if it is meant lovingly - exposing yourself to others («Did you hear she has a boyfriend now!») or painting a bleak picture («It won't last forever anyway!»).
• For fear of having to protect the child, forbid a lot of things - the offspring won't comply anyway. Especially when it comes to sexuality: it's better to provide a protected environment at home than to force them into an unprotected environment.

Luca then broke up with her sooner than expected. «It just wasn't right,» the daughter announced with tired eyes - and sank into the deepest heartbreak. What helps in such cases? Being there, consoling and refraining from saying things like «I told you so».

«Of course, it's always terrible for parents when their own child is suffering,» says Plambeck, «but you have to put up with it.» And see what your child needs at any given time: Watch a film together? Or would they rather sit alone in their room and cry? Needs can change from one minute to the next - but parents of adolescents are probably used to this anyway. It is important to convey the basic attitude «I am there for you - whether you are upstairs or downstairs». Otherwise, be patient and wait until it's over.