It has never been easier to watch porn than it is today. Pornography is available free of charge at any time via the internet and is also widespread among young people. They can click their way into all kinds of sexual fantasy worlds from their bedrooms or playgrounds. Often, their first contact with porn is even involuntary, because the videos are sent around or shown on mobile phones.
However, how often young people do this, for how long, via which channel, whether alone or with friends, and how the images affect them – all of this has not yet been sufficiently researched.
Ending the silence
Around half of all young people between the ages of 11 and 14 have their first encounter with pornography. It is mainly boys who seek it out, while the majority of girls come into contact with it involuntarily.
This contrasts with a profound sense of speechlessness, as experienced by parents Stefan Scherer from Basel and Maria Frei from Zurich – both of whom have requested anonymity in this article.
«Our eldest son was about 13 when we discovered pornographic websites in the browser history of our laptop. In addition, there were certain moments with both sons that were new: the door to the children's room, which was suddenly closed. Or: I come into the room and the mobile phone disappears into his trouser pocket in a flash,» says Stefan Scherer. His sons are now 14 and 17 years old. «It's quite possible that they were looking at pornographic content. But talking to them about it was impossible.»
Maria Frei's son got his own mobile phone at the age of 12. «After just a few months, I noticed that he was visiting the Pornhub website. I was very shocked and thought, oh dear, he's starting early! When I confronted him about it, he reacted with annoyance,» says Frei.
I am extremely unsure how to broach the subject with my sons.
Stefan Scherer, father of two sons (aged 14 and 17)
According to a German study published in 2018, only 4 per cent of young people have talked to an adult about their first experiences with pornography, while 53 per cent have not told anyone. The figures are likely to be similar in this country.
«I'm extremely unsure about how to broach the subject with my sons,» says Stefan Scherer. «I've tried again and again, but every time I've been rebuffed.» He then asked himself: «Would I have wanted to talk to my father about pornography when I was a teenager?» The answer was clear: «Definitely not!»
But that is precisely what is important, say experts. And the best way to do this is to be as objective and calm as possible.
«talk about pornography»
How can this be achieved? This question is addressed by the «Talk about Pornography» project – an initiative by Männer.ch, the umbrella organisation for progressive Swiss men's and fathers' organisations, supported by the national Youth and Media platform of the Federal Social Insurance Office. The aim is to bridge the gap between the widespread use of pornography among young people and the lack of discussion about it. Stefan Scherer and Maria Frei were among the participants.
The pilot project comprised three half-day workshops on site and four shorter crash courses that took place online. The workshop leader is gender studies scholar Thomas Brückmann. While studying at Humboldt University in Berlin, he was surprised to find that there was not a single seminar on how pornography shapes gender roles. This prompted him to explore the topic in depth and ultimately develop «Talk about Pornography».
Even parents who are open about sexuality often feel ashamed when it comes to pornography.
Thomas Brückmann, gender studies scholar and workshop leader
Brückmann does not have children of his own. However, his research led him to conclude that «even parents who are open about sexuality are often at a loss and avoid the subject of pornography.» Uncertainty and shame prevail . This was also reflected in the number of participants. Although the workshops were free of charge, they were attended by an average of only five participants. The crash courses attracted around ten.
Brückmann cites various reasons for this reluctance: porn consumption is associated with masturbation, a form of sexuality that is still relatively taboo. In addition, sexual fantasies often come into play, which could also be considered taboo. Last but not least, parts of the feminist debate in the 1980s gave porn a bad image, as women's needs are usually suppressed in commercial offerings.
«All of this gives us the impression that pornography is bad,» says Thomas Brückmann. At the same time, studies show that adults also regularly view pornographic content. This ambivalence makes it difficult to have an objective, nuanced dialogue about the subject.
He therefore advised workshop participants: «In order to talk to your children about pornography, it is important to know: What is interesting for them about it? And: Can consumption also be good for something?» One of the first group exercises in the workshop was therefore: «Make a list of positive aspects of pornography and its use.»
Positive aspects of pornography
Positive? «Actually, the question confused some participants, as they are mainly familiar with the negative aspects,» says Brückmann. For example, that staged sexual depictions are equated with real sexuality, that the production conditions of pornography are characterised by exploitation, and even concerns that children will transfer violent scenes to their own sexuality.
«I had various fears regarding my sons' consumption of pornography,» says Stefan Scherer. «For example, that they would get a completely wrong impression of sexuality. In the films, everything is always so crude, yet young people are still very fragile when it comes to their own sexuality. Not to mention the role models that are portrayed there, which my wife and I definitely don't want to exemplify.»
I don't want our son to get the wrong idea about sexuality before he discovers it for himself.
Maria Frei, mother of two (aged 10 and 12)
During the exercise, he realised that pornography can also be beneficial for young people. For example, it can help them explore their own sexual arousal and find out what feels good for them. Or it can provide practical information, such as how oral sex works. Physical or sexual diversity can also be depicted, depending on the content. This helped Stefan Scherer. «With this knowledge, I was able to go home feeling more at ease,» says the family man.
Scherer says that in his youth, he was very ashamed of his porn consumption. «I felt strongly attracted to pornographic content. That weighed heavily on me. I thought I was perverted.» Perhaps that is his greatest fear: «That my children will end up feeling as lonely about this issue as I did.»
Women as mere objects of desire
Maria Frei, mother of two sons aged 10 and 12, took part in a two-hour online crash course led by Thomas Brückmann, during which the current state of knowledge was presented and participants' questions were answered.
«I told my older son that I was going to the workshop,» says Frei. «He thought it was a bit funny: now his mother has to attend a workshop because of him! But he was actually interested in what concerns parents have about this topic.»
Maria Frei is politically active in the SP, and equality and feminism are important issues for her. «I find it extremely repulsive that women are often portrayed as mere sex objects in pornography. I don't want our son to get the wrong idea about sexuality before he has discovered it for himself.»
This concern is one of the most common among parents, observes workshop leader Brückmann. For the project, he worked with men's psychologist Markus Theunert to conduct comprehensive research on the current state of research and then compile a knowledge report. This report has recently been made available for free on Männer.ch. The research also included interviews with parents, young people and experts.
Study on pornography provides relief
The results give the all-clear in many respects: «The widespread concern that pornography automatically leads to sexual neglect is unfounded from a professional point of view.» Consumption does not lead to young people having sex earlier, using less contraception or being unfaithful more often. And as the specialist literature to date also concludes, most young people are very well able to differentiate between staged and real sexuality.
«That was a great relief to me,» says Maria Frei. «Until now, I had never been able to view the issue from a purely objective perspective.»
The more openly sexuality was discussed during childhood, the easier it becomes to talk about pornography.
Thomas Brückmann, gender studies scholar and workshop leader
Nevertheless, the use of pornographic content also carries risks for young people. On the one hand, there are legal consequences. For example, sending or posting pornographic material to under-16s is a criminal offence. According to the report by Brückmann and Theunert, certain studies have also shown that porn can increase sexual performance pressure, especially among boys, for example when it comes to penis length or erection duration.
Last but not least, depictions of illegal pornography, such as sex with animals, to which children may also have access, are problematic. According to Thomas Brückmann, there are currently no figures on how many young people actually come into contact with illegal material. However, the risk is real and must be taken seriously.
Stay in touch
This is precisely why it is important to engage in dialogue with young people; about the risks, but also about the portrayal of women as objects or distorted images of masculinity. All the more so given that a wealth of content is so easily accessible today. Because what the current studies also show is that young people are largely left to their own devices when it comes to developing their views and their relationship to sexually explicit material.
How can we talk to our children about all this? The gender studies expert advises explaining to children in an age-appropriate manner that pornography exists as soon as they start using an internet-enabled device independently. Depending on their age, parental controls may be useful, but he would remove them once they reach a certain age. Young people will soon figure out how to bypass the filters anyway.
Rather than imposing bans or condemning consumption, it is more useful to keep the conversation going. «A dialogue about pornography can only build on an open approach to the subject of sexuality; it can never be the starting point,» says Brückmann. The more openly sexuality is discussed during childhood, the easier it will be to talk about pornography.
One reason to talk about this could be when you decide to remove the parental controls on your smartphone. According to Brückmann, a good way to start the conversation could be: «There are films where people have sex with each other. These are really common on the internet. They can make you curious and give you nice feelings, but they can also be upsetting.»
Some young people are easier to win over by explaining the legal framework. For example, by pointing out what is punishable by law, including sending pornographic material in class chats.
Other ideas for starting a conversation can be found in a guide by Swedish screenwriter and feminist porn producer Erika Lust: «I know that you will probably watch porn at some point, it's practically unavoidable! That's why I want to explain what you need to know about it...» Or: «Could you put your mobile phone away for a moment? I'd like to talk to you about some of the images or videos you may have seen online...»
Erika Lust also advises: «Tell your child: I am not here to judge you for your curiosity. I am here to support you.»
If parents do not engage with pornography, they are failing to provide their child with the support they need.
It depends on the situation
Workshop leader Brückmann, on the other hand, is cautious when it comes to specific tips. «There is no magic formula.» How to start a conversation also depends on the quality of the relationship between parents and children, how sexuality is dealt with in the family and, last but not least, how open the young people are at the moment. And: dialogue is important with both sexes. «However, we know that girls are significantly less interested in the topic,» says the gender researcher.
Either way, it's a balancing act: «On the one hand, it's about initiating a potentially uncomfortable conversation that often isn't met with enthusiasm. On the other hand, however, the privacy that is establishing itself at this time must also be recognised.» It's important to make offers and let young people decide for themselves whether to take them up. «Under no circumstances should a conversation be forced.»
- Between 2007 and 2021, regular pornography consumption among 15- and 16-year-old males rose from 28 per cent to 50 per cent (Ribeaud, 2022).
- Female adolescents seek access to pornography later and less frequently overall, but are more often confronted with it unintentionally than male adolescents – primarily through their male peers or in the form of sexual harassment on social media (cf. Bücken, 2023).
- Only 34 per cent of young people say that pornography has ever been discussed as part of sex education (German study on youth sexuality 2021).
It is also advisable not to pry and to avoid personal questions. Another option is to provide a brochure or refer them to websites for young people.
In this way, boys and girls could develop pornography literacy in the same way as media literacy. The term was coined by German media psychologist Nicola Döring. Essentially, she believes that young people should be able to make informed decisions about the use of pornographic content, just as they do with other media content.
One thing is clear to Thomas Brückmann: «We all need to deal with pornography – regardless of how we feel about it.» It is the responsibility of parents to overcome their own inhibitions and remove the taboo surrounding the subject. «If we don't do this, we are imposing a shame-laden approach to pornography on our children – and failing to give them the support they need.»
Pornography remains a challenge
The pilot project «Talk about Pornography» has come to an end. However, the programme will continue with keynote speeches, crash courses and offerings for schools and professionals. In order to keep the barrier to entry as low as possible, it will now also be possible to participate anonymously in the online offerings.
Further reading
- Madita Oeming: Pornography. An outrageous analysis. Rowohlt, 2023
- www.maenner.ch
Current lectures and courses from «Talk about Pornography" - www.thepconversation.org
The project by feminist porn producer Erika Lust offers age-appropriate discussion guides for parents, designed to promote a critical, fact-based approach to the topic. - www.klicksafe.de
EU initiative to promote online literacy among children and young people - www.medien-kindersicher.de
Information on parental controls for mobile phones - www.profamilia.de
"Totally pornographic»: brochure for young people - www.skppsc.ch/de/download/pornografie-alles-was-recht-ist
Swiss crime prevention brochure on legal aspects relating to the Internet and sexuality - www.clickandstop.ch
Online reporting centre against sexualised violence against children and young people
Since the workshop, has Stefan Scherer found a way to talk to his sons about pornography? «It worked well at first. I went home feeling motivated and was even able to hold a brief conversation on the subject.» In everyday life, however, it remains a challenge. He has made a decision for himself: «I will bring up the subject regularly, even if it is difficult. I will persevere.»
Scherer asked his 17-year-old son what advice he would give parents on how to talk to their children about pornography. «With more composure,» he replied. Stefan Scherer intends to take this advice to heart in future
