«I'm usually quite hard on myself»

Mum: (crying) I almost hit my son earlier. Instead, I went into the room and called you.

Counsellor: I am very glad that you called us. Where is your son now?

Mum: I've told both children, they're six and eight, that I need to calm down. They can watch a children's programme while I'm on the phone.

Counsellor: I would like to compliment you from the bottom of my heart. Even though the situation was not ideal, you were able to get out of the escalation before it got any worse. You took responsibility and got help and communicated this to your children. That shows strength.

Mum: It's so good to hear that. (cries) I love my children more than anything, and often I am a good mum, but sometimes it gets too much for me and I feel incredibly angry. I've never hit them, but I often feel like I could. I don't want to be like that!

Counsellor: I hear that you love your children deeply and want to be a good mother, which you often succeed in doing. And yet there are situations in which you feel overwhelmed. Then you havefeelings and impulses that frighten you and also make you sad. Have I understood you correctly?

Mum: That's exactly how it is. The children sometimes drive me crazy! I often pretend to be calm, but inside I'm boiling. The more I want it to go away, the worse it gets. Then I shout at them.

My children and I rock each other up.

Mother

Counsellor: I understand that you don't want to have these strong feelings, and yet sometimes they are there. That is human. It may sound paradoxical, but feelings - whether in us or in the children - often need some space before they can be released. If we «forbid» them, they can become even stronger. And feelings can be contagious.

Mum: My children and I rock each other up.

Counsellor: If you are open to this, I would like to give you two exercises that could help you to get in touch with yourself and become calmer in such moments. Because only when we ourselves are regulated can we help our children to regulate their feelings.

Mum: I'd like to try that out.

Counsellor: Then I invite you to sit down and place both feet flat on the floor. Take three deep breaths and notice how you inhale and exhale again. (Mum's breathing will slow down audibly) Now turn your attention to your feet. Feel which parts of your feet are in contact with the floor and how the floor feels and supports you?

Mum: Yes, that feels good.

Self-compassion and self-kindness can be learnt.

Parental emergency call counsellor

Counsellor: Fine. And now, if you like, you can place a flat hand on your heart area or on your lower stomach. Just like when you held your children, perhaps as babies, and stroked their backs. Or how you would hug a good friend who is suffering. Is that possible?

Mother: Yes, that feels good and touches me. (cries slightly)

Counsellor: It is extraordinary and touching for many people to treat themselves so kindly.

Mum: Yes, I'm usually quite hard on myself.

Counsellor: You are not alone in this, and it can make the stress even worse. But self-compassion and self-kindness can be learnt. There is a second exercise that builds on the first. It goes a little deeper into painful feelings. Would you like to try it out?

Mum: With pleasure.

Counsellor: Then I ask you to put yourself in the shoes of the situation you experienced with your children earlier. Feel what you felt physically and emotionally.

Mum: I feel a «lump» in my chest and a huge amount of anger and overwhelm.

It's part of being a mum and being human to sometimes feel overwhelmed and angry.

Counsellor

Counsellor: Recognising and naming your feelings is the first step in this exercise. The second step is to realise that you are not alone. For example, you can say to yourself: «It's part of being a mum and being human to sometimes feel overwhelmed and angry. This too will pass.»

Mum: That's good.

Counsellor: Fine. The third step is about being as kind as possible to yourself. The gentle touch from the first exercise is part of this. You can also ask yourself whether there is a being - living or deceased - that is wise and loving and gives you strength. It could also be a spiritual figure or something from nature, such as a strong tree ... Does someone or something come to mind?

Mother: Yes, my mother. She died years ago, but she is often with me, somehow, and gives me strength.

Counsellor: Very nice. Would your mum have a message for you at a time like this that would do you good?

Mum: Yes, she tells me now: «You can do it. You're not alone.»

Counsellor: «You can do it. You are not alone.» You can repeat this message to yourself and feel the gentle touch. Let both have an effect. And when you are ready, we will slowly end the exercise.

Mum: It's incredibly good for me. I'm so much calmer and somehow in touch with myself. I hope that I don't forget everything as soon as things get stressful again.

Counsellor: These exercises are very effective, but they need a lot of repetition so that you can access them when things get dicey. If you like, I can send you the instructions by e-mail.

Mum: That would be great.

Counsellor: I recommend that you practise the touch every day in neutral moments, for example at night before you go to sleep and in the morning when you wake up. You can try out the second exercise first when you are slightly stressed and repeat it again and again. You can call us at any time if you need support. And if you would like more in-depth support, we offer personal counselling on site.

Mum: That's great. I'll practise that a bit and think about coming to you for a few conversations. Thank you very much! That has helped me enormously.

Consultant: You're very welcome.