«I'm afraid to tell my parents about my poor grades»

«Why don't you ask Sarah?»

My parents place a lot of importance on good grades. Whenever I've messed up an exam, I hardly dare tell them. And because I'm now in Year 6, it's all about moving up to secondary school. They tell me almost every day that I simply have to study more and study better. But it just isn't working.
Simon, 12

Dear Simon
What you're describing to me is the fear of letting your parents down. And unfortunately, this fear isn't helpful at all. It can even go so far that you're not really focused on your studies whilst you're learning. Your mind is distracted by the worry that it won't work out this time either and that your mark might be too low. As long as you can't concentrate on your schoolwork without this burden – that is, with a clear mind – it will be difficult.

So many children think they are the mark they get.

What can you do about it? The first thing you should focus on is getting rid of your anxiety. But to do that, you'll need your parents’ help. It's important that they understand why the pressure they're putting on you to perform is having exactly the opposite effect to what they're aiming for. Pressure to perform very quickly leads to exam anxiety. And exam anxiety leads to poorer grades. Because when you're under stress, you can't perform at your best, even if you're really well prepared. I hope your parents understand this connection and will react more calmly to your grades in future.

So please have a chat with them and explain that you really do want to bring home good marks just as much as they do. But that you can only manage that if you feel they're fully behind you. It's important that they support you on your journey and accept you just as you are. No matter what marks you get. Because what really matters is you as a person.

The thing is, so many children think they are, in a way, the mark they've been given . And if the mark is a fail, they think they themselves are «not good enough». But that's definitely not true! You aren't the mark on a piece of paper; you are YOU! I often say to pupils: «As a person, you're a 6. The mark you've been given, however, is just a number on a piece of paper.»

Like so many other children, you too find it hard to cope with your parents’ negative reaction when your marks aren't as good as you'd hoped. That hurts, because you didn't do badly in the test on purpose. In fact, you probably studied for it and did your very best.

Learning to learn

I've noticed that many parents and teachers tell children that they simply need to study «more or better». And they get angry, sad or critical when the results don't meet their expectations.

Unfortunately, however, there is a catch to this expectation placed on pupils: children are not taught effectively enough how best to learn. It is just like asking a builder to construct a house – without any tools. It is immediately obvious to everyone that this cannot work. But with children, we hope that they will improve at school if we simply demand it of them clearly and strictly enough.

I therefore believe that every school should offer a course on «learning to learn», as some schools already do (on a project basis). There are, in fact, some very effective yet simple learning methods that enable pupils to experience a sense of achievement. This ensures that every child has a well-stocked toolbox that enables them to learn really well. If this isn't offered at your school, you could seek help from a learning coach.

And finally, I'd like to assure you, dear Simon: you'll definitely find your way! Whether you go to grammar school or complete secondary school: there are many different paths in Switzerland that lead to your career goals. Sometimes an apprenticeship is the way to go. After that, you can take the vocational baccalaureate to enable you to study at a university of applied sciences, for example. And via the Passerelle programme, it's even possible to get into a university – if that's really what you want.

The most important thing is that everyone finds a job they enjoy as much as possible.