«My classmate thinks I've got a bad opinion of her»

«Why don't you ask Sarah?»

At school, I was talking to a new classmate about another girl in our year, Emma. The new girl wanted to know if I liked Emma. So I told her that I sing in the choir with Emma, where she's always completely different from how she is in class. In the choir, Emma is actually really open, funny and a brilliant friend – we always have loads of fun together. But at school she behaves completely differently: there, she's always with other girls and keeps her distance from me.

The problem is that other girls overheard this conversation without us realising. They immediately told Emma everything. Emma came to see me the next day and asked me why I'd been saying such things about her. She was absolutely furious! What on earth should I do? I don't want her to think I've got a bad opinion of her. I like her and want us to carry on getting on well.
Sophia, 15

Dear Sophia
Something has happened to you that you didn't want to happen. An honest answer to your new classmate's question has led to a real misunderstanding.

Every time a piece of information is passed on, it changes a little.

Misunderstandings can happen to us time and again in life. And for all sorts of reasons. What's at play here is the fact that other girls overheard the story and then passed it on in their own version. Every time a piece of information is passed on, it changes a little. This is completely normal and has to do with the fact that everyone sees the story through different eyes and hears it with different ears to the person who first told it.

How a nasty rumour starts

But if the storytellers do this with the intention of making you look bad, it can give rise to a nasty rumour. The more an original story is altered as it is retold, the less the result has to do with the truth.

Do you know that game they sometimes play in primary school? You sit or stand in a circle. The child who starts has to whisper a word into the ear of the child next to them, so that no one else can hear it. The second child whispers the word on to the next child. And so on – until finally the last child says out loud what they've heard. Almost always, the original word has changed completely and what comes out at the end sounds completely wrong or funny.
This game clearly illustrates how rumours can start.

It's understandable that your colleague Emma is disappointed and hurt by what she's just heard. After all, she must assume that you've been gossiping about her. And nobody likes that.

Clear up a misunderstanding

Now it's up to you, dear Sophia, to sort out the situation. To do that, you should take the next step, even if it takes a bit of courage on your part. But at least Emma was fair enough to bring the matter up with you and not just walk away from you. I hope that you, too, can now reach out to her. The point is that you can clear up this misunderstanding with Emma.

I'm talking about a misunderstanding, as you didn't actually speak ill of her. I assume you would have told Emma your opinion directly if she'd asked you. That means you didn't gossip about her. If I've understood you correctly, you like Emma. However, you can't quite understand why she acts differently (i.e. more distant) towards you at school than she does when you're in the choir together, where you got to know her as a nice colleague. That's all you said. So you haven't done anything wrong.

It's impossible to predict how Emma will react. But I hope she'll appreciate your courage, your honesty and your team spirit.

The ones who've made a mistake and really ought to apologise to you and Emma are the other girls who were eavesdropping and then told Emma about it – in their own version of events.

Of course, it's entirely up to you to decide how you'd like to clear up the misunderstanding. Would you simply like to speak to her the next time you see her? In that case, I'd bear in mind that you might not be able to talk in private and that other girls might interfere. That wouldn't be ideal. It's important now that you're able to talk without any outside interference.

Honesty and a spirit of teamwork are important

Here's my suggestion: Why not text her on her mobile to ask if you could have a chat in private or speak on the phone sometime? A conversation like this can sometimes work just as well over the phone, as you can have a note to hand with the key points you want to tell her.

I'd recommend explaining to Emma, in all honesty, how this came about and what you actually said about her. Apologise if it's hurt her feelings, as that was never your intention. I think it's important that you tell her how much you like her and that you always really enjoy the time you spend with her in the choir.

Unfortunately, it's impossible to predict how Emma will react. But I hope for your sake that she'll appreciate your courage, your honesty and your team spirit. Perhaps she'll see the other girls in a different light afterwards, too. And you might even become proper friends. Or she might turn her back on you, which I'd be sorry to see. But then at least you'll know where you stand with her.