«I don't like it when my parents argue»

«Why don't you ask Sarah?»

When my parents argue, I always tell them to stop. But then they reply that it's not an argument, it's just arguing. But when my brother and I argue, they get angry straight away, even though our arguments aren't usually bad at all.
Nico, 10

Dear Nico
You feel uncomfortable when your parents argue. I can understand that, because when people you love argue with each other, it causes stress and an unpleasant feeling. So it's no wonder that you want your parents to stop. Because even if it's just a discussion or a difference of opinion, you can sense that there's a negative atmosphere. You can tell by their faces, their tone of voice and the overall mood in the room.

You and your brother also argue sometimes. That's normal. On average, siblings argue every 20 minutes when they are together. That's what research has found. And do you know why brothers and sisters argue so often? It's because when you spend a lot of time together, conflicts automatically arise. One wants this, the other wants that.

Or you get annoyed with the other person. Then a swear word is used or you get violent: pushing, spitting, hitting. Neither insulting words nor physical violence are okay. Because both things are perceived in the brain as a real injury - like a punch. It would therefore be better to resolve the conflict in a different, better way.

Arguing needs to be learnt

However, arguing has a very important function and is part of growing up. The purpose of arguing is to learn how to deal with problems between people and find a solution. So arguing well needs to be learnt! How do you do that? First of all, it's important that you find out what your needs are: Think about what you want when you play with your brother. Should both of you follow the rules properly? Should both of you help tidy up? Or should the toys be alternated or shared fairly?

Once you have clarified this for yourself, you can tell your brother. He will then know what is important to you. And he also has the opportunity to express his wishes. This will lead to fewer misunderstandings and therefore fewer arguments. If a problem does arise, you shouldn't immediately start shouting and accusing or hitting the other person. Instead, say: «Don't be angry that I won. Let's play again, maybe you'll win too.»

When parents argue, they discuss a problem and look for a solution together.

But maybe you and your brother are still really angry and you need a break (each in your own room or outside) to calm down. Once you've calmed down, you can either talk about the problem again and find a solution for next time. Or you can simply say: «Cross it out, it wasn't that important. Let's carry on playing.»

So if your parents sometimes argue or discuss things loudly, that's no different. They are discussing a problem and looking for a solution. Ideally, they find a solution and can be normal with each other again. Next time, tell them that you are happy when they find a solution and are peaceful with each other again.

You and your brother could try that too - make peace. Then it will feel better to carry on playing.