«I can't do it completely without «if-then»»
Production employee Tanita, 31, has worked intensively on her own story so that her daughters, 6 months, 2 and 12, can look back on a happy childhood one day. With her children and partner Fabian, 37, who runs a technical SME, she now enjoys the kind of family life she would have wished for as a child.
Tanita: «Be honest: as parents, we also sometimes resort to strategies that are to some extent violent. Blackmail, for example: "If you don't get on with it now, we won't go to Grandma's.»
Fabian: «Or the middle one refuses to brush her teeth until I do it myself. You could also call that violence. But we have to get the teeth clean somehow.»
Tanita: «She's just in the autonomy phase. I choose words carefully, but I can't do it completely without «if-then».»
Fabian: «I sometimes resort to a sweet roll as a last resort.»
Tanita: «My mum died when I was five and my brother was three. Things changed abruptly. It was as if my access to security and safety had been cut off. I was left alone with my grief, probably because my father's distress overshadowed that of us children. There was simply no more capacity for us. My father remarried and shortly afterwards my youngest brother was born. The atmosphere at home was permanently tense. Every day anew, I prepared myself inwardly for arbitrarily placed humiliations, threats and physical violence. All these forms of violence were an expression of how distanced we were from our children. Today I suspect that this was essentially the result of my parents being overwhelmed by their own history.»
I tell my children every day how much I love them. They are not a burden for me, they make my life better.
Fabian: «I think it's great how reflectively Tanita deals with her past as a mother.»
Tanita: «I don't see myself as a victim of my past, but instead try to see the good in it: For me, this includes the fact that I know exactly how I don't want to do things with my children - and therefore take a reflective approach to parenting. Sometimes I still worry that negative patterns have stuck: When I'm tired or stressed, I nag the children or Fabian. Then little things can really upset me: The big one who picks at her plate, the little one who can't sit still.»
Fabian: «Tanita then communicates in a passive-aggressive way, with pointed remarks that make you feel inadequate. I counter this, partly because she has asked me to be attentive in this respect. At the same time, it's quite understandable if you've had enough after a long day with three children.»
Tanita: «What amazes me: How peaceful the big girl and I have it, now that she's about to be a teenager. Of course she gets cheeky sometimes. But I know that her adolescent brain is a construction site. This helps me not to take her behaviour personally and often remain calm. I tell my children every day how much I love them. They are not a burden for me, they make my life better. I want them to feel that.»
