How to guide your child through their emotional storm

A Sunday afternoon in front of the main entrance to Zurich Zoo. A boy of about nine is sitting on the pavement, shouting, screaming, waving his hands and feet wildly. His mother sits in front of him, visibly exhausted but with a sympathetic look on her face, her arms gently outstretched. The minutes tick by. The boy rages on. As I pass by, I would like to tell her how marvellously she is guiding her child through this emotional storm. But perhaps she will see this as an intrusion and feel judged by me? So I walk on in silence.

What do I think this mother does so well? She makes her son understand that he is allowed to feel his anger. She stays close to him, doesn't threaten or punish him, doesn't talk down to him, but tries to stay calm herself and not let the aggression infect her. The boy soon leans against her, exhausted, and calms down.

Learning to endure unpleasant feelings

This kind of support through emotional storms is known in psychology as co-regulation. We empathise with the child and use calming facial expressions and gestures to offer them safety and the opportunity to face their feelings and let them fade away. Little by little, children learn to better understand their feelings and needs, to endure unpleasant feelings, to think about them with a little distance and to find increasingly independent solutions.

If they succeed in doing this, they will be one step ahead of many adults who prefer not to feel fear, sadness and shame at all, who suppress their anger or take it out uncontrollably on others, or who numb themselves with food, alcohol or medication.

Many children do not tolerate immediate closeness when they are angry. This does not necessarily mean that parents are bad at comforting.

Today, most attachment-orientated parents rely on co-regulation to enable their children to deal with their emotions in a healthy way. In many cases, this is also due to their own pain at being devalued, shamed or punished with withdrawal of love as a child when they allegedly showed «inappropriate feelings».

Co-regulation demands a lot from us parents: enduring our own stress when the child is shaken by their emotions; regulating ourselves when we are on the verge of exploding; refraining from «shutting down the theatre immediately» by talking down feelings, threatening consequences or scaring the child. However, there are some misunderstandings that can get in the way of this attachment-orientated emotional support.

Misconception 1: «If I do it right, my child will calm down quickly»

When children get upset or are very sad, many parents put themselves under a lot of pressure: «I have to help my child calm down as quickly as possible!» It's as if you're only good at co-regulation if the child immediately throws themselves into your arms and can be comforted quickly.

We can say goodbye to this misconception. On the one hand, children differ greatly from birth in terms of their excitability and are differently easy or difficult to comfort. Secondly, psychological abnormalities can contribute to children having more frequent, longer and more violent emotional outbursts and being more difficult to calm down.

In addition, many children do not tolerate immediate closeness when they are angry and frustrated - they do not want to be approached or touched at first. This is normal and does not necessarily mean that the parents are «bad at comforting» or that something is wrong with the parent-child bond.

Co-regulation does not start with the child, but with ourselves. We can pay attention to our breath and think constructively.

Misconception 2: «Co-regulation means mirroring feelings»

We are often so preoccupied with the child's outburst that we forget about ourselves. We mirror feelings, tell the child that it's okay to be angry or sad, offer strategies and want to help. If the child doesn't accept this, we are soon swept away by the tornado of emotions. So many words, so much closeness, so many offers only annoy and irritate many children even more.

What helps? Doing less and focussing more on ourselves instead! Because co-regulation doesn't start with the child, but with ourselves. We can pay attention to our breathing - slowly and deep into our belly - and relieve ourselves with constructive thoughts: «We can endure this together. The storm will pass. I don't have to do anything except be there.»

Of course it helps children when we mirror their feelings, ask questions and talk about possible solutions. But in the eye of the emotional storm, we shouldn't hope for too much. It is usually helpful to wait until our child has calmed down enough for our words to reach them again.

Co-regulation does not mean that we allow all actions and that the family is held emotionally hostage.

Misconception 3: «Co-regulation means refraining from demands and limits»

Co-regulation means that we create a space in which the child is allowed to express and deal with their feelings. It does not mean that we allow all actions. Being an attentive companion through emotional storms should and may go hand in hand with clearly saying stop and intervening if the child uses violence or breaks things, and working to make amends for the damage done.

Psychologist and mother of three Rebecca Kennedy often works with families whose children are prone to intense emotional outbursts. Time and again, she finds that some parents are so afraid of their child's outbursts that they almost only follow their child's wishes and the family ends up in a kind of «emotional hostage situation».

She suggests the following to the parents: «Say the following statement on your mobile phone and practise it until your voice sounds confident and convincing: "In our family, Bobby usually chooses the film. Otherwise he usually gets quite angry. Today we're doing it differently. Bobby, I want to prepare you for exactly what's going to happen. Today it's your sister's turn to choose the film. If you get angry and shout, I'll take you to your room so that the others can watch the film in peace. I'll sit down with you there and stay with you. I'm not afraid of your feelings.»

Many explosive children are completely overwhelmed by their emotional outbursts. They get out of control, which also scares them. It gives them a sense of security when they realise that their parents don't feel the same way and are prepared to put up with their difficult feelings and at the same time stand up for the needs of all family members.