How shy children make friends

They stand on the sidelines and watch longingly, but simply can't bring themselves to approach the other children. Encouragements such as «just ask if you can join in» often only put them under additional pressure.

Thoughts like «they're all staring at me - it's so embarrassing» or «I don't know what to say» run through their heads. However, as a parent of a reserved child, there is a lot you can do to make it easier for your shy or introverted child to socialise.

Shared activities are the best breeding ground for friendships. If your child finds it difficult to socialise with others, you can consciously ask yourself: Where are there spaces in our neighbourhood where my child can meet others and play freely? It may be possible to identify an adventure playground or a football pitch that is a popular meeting place in the neighbourhood.

Let them observe in peace

If your child is very shy, don't expect too much from them. Allow them to simply play on their own for the first few times and watch the other children. Your child should have a good time and be allowed to overcome their initial hurdles in peace. Over time, he will find it easier to join in with an ongoing game because he already knows the other children loosely from sight.

Where are there other children in the neighbourhood, perhaps even of a similar age to yours? Perhaps you could invite the neighbouring family over for a barbecue or coffee at the weekend so that the children can get to know each other in peace? Often, walking to school together also offers the opportunity to intensify loose contacts from the neighbourhood.

Many reserved children feel overwhelmed in group situations.

You can also think about which club or leisure programme your child could meet like-minded people in. Many shy children and young people feel insecure because they don't know what to talk about with others.

A shared hobby often automatically provides a good starting point and a topic for a casual conversation that breaks the ice - regardless of whether it's while grooming the ponies before riding lessons or on the way to the changing room after handball training. At the same time, with such structured leisure activities, there is less expectation that you have to keep a conversation going at all times. Your child may be happy to have a quick chat with others and then get back to their sport or instrument.

Small parental tricks with a big impact

It also helps many shy children if they are allowed to approach others they like with a concrete suggestion . For example, you could suggest to your child that they invite someone from their class to a trip to the swimming pool or zoo at the weekend. If your child is younger and doesn't have the confidence to ask on their own, you can of course also help out a little at parent level and arrange something for them if they agree.

For many shy children, it's reassuring when they know: We are doing something fun together that we both enjoy. As soon as the initial hurdle has been overcome and there is such a common framework, even shy children usually thaw out a little. Many reserved children feel overwhelmed in group situations. They enjoy engaging with a single child and tend to relax more when they are in their familiar environment.

Playing together brings people together. But how do you get started if you don't have the confidence to approach others? As a parent, you can support your child by paying attention to the toys you provide. For the playground, for example, you can give them games that are most fun in pairs or groups: Badminton, water pistols or a rubber twist rope. In most cases, a more adventurous child will approach your child with a «Can I have a go?». It is also ideal to bring something small to nibble on that your child can share with others.

Encourage without pressure

The request «Why don't you just go over there and ask if you can join in?» is sheer horror for many children. They imagine how all eyes are on them and want to spare themselves the torment of being rejected. Parental advice and reassurances such as «they can't do more than say no», «don't worry so much now» or «I'm sure they're nice» usually only increase the stress level even more.

It is more helpful if you actively point out and lovingly encourage your child when the opportunity to make contact presents itself: «The girl keeps looking over, I think she would like to play with you.» Or: «Do you want to give her something? I think she'd be happy.» With younger children, it is often possible for parents to initiate a game and then slowly withdraw.

Stefanie Rietzler remembers: «My parents built a large sandcastle with a moat on the beach with my brother and me, which we diligently filled with seawater. We soon embellished the whole thing with a few sand channels through which you could let little Flummis whizz. A few children watched from a distance and then came closer. With a «Do you want to have a go?», my parents released the rest of their Flummis and the space in the sand, whereupon a little later we were digging in the sand next to each other - and had found new playmates for the rest of the holiday.»

Utilise your child's powers of observation

Reserved children are often good observers. They can use this gift to learn from other children. Perhaps you and your child can do an observation experiment together? Go together to a busy place with lots of children and set yourself the task of finding out how children socialise with each other. The following variations can often be observed:

• Simply ask: Some children approach others and ask if they can join in. Socially competent children catch the right moment. They don't interrupt ongoing games, but wait until there is a break or a change of game to join in.
• Seek eye contact: Some children sit down nearby and watch. They make eye contact and signal that they want to join in, for example by waving briefly.
• Play on the side: Another tactic that many children use intuitively is to do something similar near another child and then get a little closer.
• Give compliments: Instead of asking if they can play, some children comment on games in progress or give a compliment such as «cool car» to increase the chance of being invited to play.
• Askingfor help: «Wow, can you show me how to do that?» is often a very charming approach. The other child can proudly show off their skills and show the other child how to do a cartwheel or play rubber twist.
• Invite others: Standing there with the ball and asking «Do you want to play?» is often easier than approaching a group and asking if you can play.

How do other children do it?

Shy children are often completely fixated on what could go wrong, how they look to others and what they have to say. If they focus more on how other children do it, they expand their repertoire and reduce their inhibitions.

The psychologist Robert O'Connor was able to demonstrate how helpful this form of observation is back in 1972. He filmed eleven different scenes in which a child first stands shyly on the sidelines, then approaches a group and finally plays happily with them.

During the film, a narrator casually comments on what the child is doing to integrate into the group and points out the positive reactions of the other children. He showed this film to socially anxious and inhibited kindergarten children. After the film, they also approached others and six weeks later were even among the most socially active children in their kindergarten group.