How do we protect children from sexual abuse?

Mrs Lavoyer, is it really the unknown bad man who poses the greatest danger to our children?

No, that's not true. According to studies, over 95 per cent of all perpetrators come from the close environment of the child concerned. This could be the father, the godfather or the neighbour. However, it is true that the vast majority - around 90 per cent - of sexual offences against children are committed by men.

Are there any children who are particularly at risk?

In principle, any child can become a victim of sexualised violence, no matter how courageous, enlightened and self-confident they are. A child has no chance against an adult, manipulative perpetrator who wants to take advantage of them.

Any child can become a victim of sexualised violence

Agota Lavoyer

However, there are children who are at a higher risk of experiencing sexualised violence. We know that neglected and disabled children are at a higher risk of experiencing sexualised violence. Children who have already experienced violence, for example psychological or physical violence in the family, are also at a higher risk.

Are there warning signs for parents or teachers that a child is suffering from sexualised violence?

Until a child tells you about the violence of their own accord, you don't really have a chance of noticing it. Many parents reproach themselves afterwards for not having noticed anything. It should not be forgotten that children are under enormous pressure to remain silent and also face a major conflict of loyalty because they often do not want to harm the perpetrator.

You can't leave it up to the child to find out when their boundaries are being crossed.

Agota Lavoyer

Children also have survival strategies and these include silence or repression. It is a dangerous fallacy for parents to think that they only need to address the issue when they realise that their child is experiencing sexualised violence. However, the protection of children must begin much earlier, well before a possible assault.

Knowledge protects: Around every 7th child experiences sexualised violence

This is where your new book comes in: "Ist das okay?" is a children's book on the prevention of sexualised violence. Who is your book aimed at and how does it differ from other prevention books?

In my many years of experience as a victim support counsellor and in school social work, I have come across a wide variety of prevention books and realised that none of them describe sexualised violence in concrete terms. I believe that children need to be taught specifically what is okay and what is not.

It cannot be left to the child to find out when their boundaries have been crossed. At the same time, we adults have a responsibility to protect children. We have to address boundary-breaching behaviour and sexualised violence time and time again and develop a clear attitude towards it.

My book is aimed at parents and other carers of children aged around six to twelve.

As a mother, when should I talk to my child about sexual abuse? I don't want to frighten them unnecessarily, but I also don't want to wait and see.

In my book, I show various everyday situations in which a conversation about sexualised violence can take place in a very relaxed way. When my children put on their pyjamas, for example, I have already asked them whether it would be okay if I took a photo of them. And then explained to them that it's not okay to take naked photos of them, not even as a mum or «loved one».

If adults talk about the vulva and penis as a matter of course, children will do the same. This promotes their body awareness.

Agota Lavoyer

And I ask my 11-year-old son every now and then if he still wants me to kiss him. And I tell him that it would be completely okay if he told me if he wasn't comfortable with it anymore. I don't want him to feel that it would make me sad if he no longer wanted to give me a kiss. As parents, we are responsible for defining boundaries for our children and finding the right balance between closeness and distance.

Is your book also about what's okay for the game? The classic doctor games, for example?

Yes, I also deal with doctor games, but my main focus is on boundary violations and sexualised violence. That's why I recommend only reading the book once the child has been taught about the carefree, beautiful aspects of closeness, touch and sexuality. They should know that closeness is fundamentally a beautiful thing. It is also important that the child learns the correct words for the genitals. If adults talk about the vulva and penis as a matter of course, children will do the same. This promotes their body awareness.

Nothing deters potential perpetrators more than dealing openly with this taboo subject.

Agota Lavoyer

I hope that my book will help parents to discuss sexualised violence with their children and to face the issue with more strength and confidence themselves. You can take your time with the book. Prevention is most effective when it is embedded in everyday life and happens calmly. Sexualised violence against children should also be discussed repeatedly within the extended family circle. Nothing deters potential perpetrators more than dealing openly with the taboo subject and the child's trust in those around them that they can confide in them about something bad.

What can adults do if a child confides in them that they or a friend have been the victim of sexual violence?

Make sure you get professional help. I recommend the following: Believe the child and don't question what they say. Tell the child that it is not their fault and that you are proud of their courage for confiding in someone. Under no circumstances should you confront the perpetrator. Then you should contact a specialist centre and ask for support. It is important not to remain alone with the issue.