«Many have taken on the shame of their parents»

Mrs Kohler, at what age should a child be educated?

Ideally from the day of birth.

You'll have to explain that to us.

Sexuality is a lifelong issue, a holistic process, just like language development, which also begins at a very early age. The child's everyday life provides starting points for parents or other caregivers. Whatever the child is interested in at the time, depending on their age. In the past, sexuality education was thought to be a one-off discussion focussing on biological functions and contraception. Today, more emphasis is placed on a holistic approach, on the various aspects that sexuality involves, such as having one's own feelings and needs, setting boundaries and so on.

How do I know that I'm not overburdening my child with the topic of sexuality?

As soon as children ask bold questions, bold answers are required. «How did I get into your tummy, Mum?» The mother should explain this process in simple, age-appropriate words and wait to see if there is another question. If none comes, the answer may be enough at this point. Children ask out of their everyday lives and out of great curiosity: What happens to my body? Why am I allowed to walk around naked at home and not at the swimming pool?

What if the child doesn't ask any questions?

I always tell parents: don't wait for the right moment, it doesn't exist. Sex education is an educational task and, as an adult, I am obliged to talk about physical changes that are about to take place. Preferably before they happen.

So I should talk to my daughter about menstruation and her cycle before she gets her period for the first time.

For example. Ideally, these things should be discussed casually and not embedded in a big conversation and detached from other topics. Such a moment could be when you are in the bathroom with your daughter: Have you seen? I've got tampons and pads in the cupboard, do you know what they're used for?

And how well do parents succeed in this educational task?

To some extent quite well, but it is unfortunately still the case that the area of sexual development is the least understood or supported compared to other areas of development. This is a result of the way we ourselves have been educated. Many have inherited the shame of their parents. And as an adult, I have to reflect on myself again and again and look at why I find it difficult to talk about sexuality. What has become ingrained in me? If we scrutinise ourselves in this respect, we can better detach ourselves from our own experiences - and thus give our children the sex education that we ourselves may have missed.

Has the task of sexuality education become more complex in the age of digital media and sexual diversity?

That is indeed the case. That's why parents shouldn't wait for «Doctor Google» or social media to take this task away from them, but should take action themselves. At a certain point, parents can no longer prevent their child from coming into contact with sexuality via the internet. However, if they anticipate this and pave the way, they have the opportunity to prepare their child for certain content that might upset them. And if you start guiding your child in this regard at an early age, you will also be better able to maintain a harmonious parent-child relationship during puberty. Because their children have learnt early on: I can turn to my parents with confidence, they support me in all matters relating to growing up.

Fathers often have the feeling that their insecurity has to do with their gender.

You studied sex education. In your thesis, you investigated the question of how fathers get involved in their children's sex education and how they influence their children's psychosexual development.

That's true, and it was very exciting to see that many fathers still don't have this topic on their radar, even though it could be an important part of their parenting role. Fathers of girls in particular still leave many caring tasks and emotional issues to their mothers. And there is a certain amount of shame, especially when it comes to sex education. They do not feel competent.

It is a fact that fathers have different physical characteristics to their daughters. Should they be more concerned with the menstrual cycle?

Acquiring a basic knowledge would not be wrong. But that alone is not enough. Fathers often have the feeling that their insecurity has to do with gender, but it is not the father's gender identity that is decisive here, but the quality of the bond and the understanding of his own role as a father. It is easier for them with their sons. This is partly because they are closer to their physical development, but also because they feel a stronger impulse to protect girls and set boundaries differently.

Fathers raise boys and girls according to different standards and gender stereotypes. However, I am in favour of seeing sex education as something holistic and gender-neutral and starting at an early age: How do I perceive my body? What do I like, what don't I like? Can I explain this to someone? How do I fulfil my needs? Do I love my body? Do I recognise and respect the needs of others? It is important to model all these topics of sexuality to your daughters.

What would the father-child bond have to look like for this to succeed?

This is a longer process in which the father shows his children, hey, I take you and your needs seriously, I accompany you when you buy sanitary towels, I make you a cup of tea if you have stomach cramps, I ask you if I can support you and take your mind off things if you are lovesick. I am there and consciously ask questions (How does it feel?) and don't play down the answers. Because as a father, I want to show that I'm interested in your everyday life and your views.

Risk behaviour is a field that fathers are more likely to engage in than mothers.

This presence and empathy has a very positive effect on the father-child relationship. And of course this also applies to the sons. It can be helpful for them, for example, if the father responds sensitively when the first ejaculation leaves stains on the bed linen and categorises this event calmly.

In order to be able to discuss these issues at home, fathers would probably have to be as present in their children's lives from the outset as their mothers. In many families today, this is also the case - at least more so than in previous generations.

Yes, this is a very positive development and research on fathers also clearly states that fathers have exactly the same skills and requirements for all caring tasks. However, the research also says that many fathers still orientate themselves on the ideas and guidelines of their mothers and want to conform to their values. Children need diverse role models. This does not necessarily have to be the biological father, but can also be provided by another male role model in the family environment.

And is there anything that fathers can do even better than mothers when it comes to sex education?

In principle, risk behaviour is a field that fathers are more likely to represent and fill than mothers. Have the confidence to do it, you can do it! You can be confident and courageous. According to studies, this encouragement is a field that offers a lot of potential for fathers. In general, but also in terms of sex education: Hey, your body belongs to you. You decide who you want to have sexual contact with, you decide how you want to use contraception and which touches are okay for you. Fathers can have a supportive effect in that their own needs are prioritised more and sexuality is not seen as something that should primarily make others happy, but first and foremost myself.

The basic attitude towards sex should be a positive one, but to what extent do parents also need to point out the dangers and how do you do this?

Even with small children, you can talk about what is okay when it comes to touching. There are very good books on this, such as «Is it okay?» by Agota Lavoyer. If these assaults are carried out by strangers, it is of course easy to understand. But how do you stop a person you feel very comfortable with and trust?

Setting boundaries in a relationship is a big issue - and also recognising when the other person is manipulating you, taking advantage of you and making demands that you only comply with out of love. It's important for parents to talk about this and give examples. And tell their children: if you notice something, even with friends, be vigilant and speak up. Of course, there are also things like sexting, cybergrooming or sextortion that you can encounter via social media.

You are often invited by teachers to talk about sexuality in class. Which classes does the topic affect?

In the lower classes, from around second or third grade, it's mostly about body image, family and pregnancy, setting and respecting boundaries. In higher grades, from about fourth grade onwards, one of my tasks is to answer the children's and young people's questions. These are body-related questions or the question of how sex actually works. Or I talk about various key topics, such as masturbation, gender diversity, consensual sex or pornography .

And how well do fourth and fifth graders know their way around?

There are children who can talk about sexuality quite easily, they know the terms for the genitals. And others simply talk about «down there» and have no words. My aim is to give children and young people a holistic approach to various sexual education topics. I introduce them to the biological terms and we mould the genitals. This helps the children realise that every penis and vulva looks different.

We can reach the children better in the period before puberty.

Why do sexual organs exist at all? Does my penis or vulva have anything to do with my gender identity? We discuss the different dimensions of gender, but also topics such as: How can I build and maintain relationships? How do I react when revealing pictures appear in the class chat?

Are boys and girls separated from each other in these thematic units?

Fortunately, the trend is towards mixing the genders, as not everyone has the same prerequisites. And everyone has a right to come into contact with all subject areas. I will later have sexual contact with different people and it can't be the case that we were educated separately from each other.

I sometimes hear the criticism that it's too early for these topics in fourth or fifth grade, but just because I know about them doesn't mean that I have sex straight away. We should make very good use of this pre-puberty period to educate children about a wide range of topics. We can also reach children better at this age than in upper school, when the internet and social media are omnipresent.