How do we have a relaxed meal at the family table?
One, two, three - up!" Before my family starts eating, we all raise the dining table briefly together. Admittedly, it's a bit bizarre. The children have copied it from Astrid Lindgren's film «Holidays on Saltkrokan». And they love it.
Her grandmother recently had nothing but a frown for this. But she also grew up at a time when children were expected to be quiet at the table and eat what was on their plates.
«Since the 1980s, we have fortunately experienced a paradigm shift in parenting. Instead of preaching obedience, parents are now allowed to decide for themselves which values should apply to eating,» says Alexandra Heisenberg, family counsellor from Lucerne, who is also active in the familylab Switzerland counselling network.
At the dining table, you can see how the family is doing.
The challenge with this new freedom is that boundaries are still needed so that everyone feels comfortable at the table. «With the birth of a child, however, the high chair often becomes the throne. The child is constantly the centre of attention and the parents become servants,» says the family counsellor.
The result: while parents are busy cooking three children's favourite dishes, cleaning up spills and putting up with bickering at the table as well as constantly looking at their smartphones, they often lose their appetite themselves. Some then eat later, without children. Which is a shame.
Because shared meals keep families together. They are a central place to laugh together, argue or just have a chat. The family's current mood is reflected at the dining table. Even teenagers regularly turn up here because eating is a basic need - unlike accompanying their parents for a walk.
If you want meals to be started together, mouths empty for talking or smartphones out of reach, this requires clear communication.
It is therefore worthwhile as a family to establish a relaxed, shared table culture. Here is some food for thought on how this can be achieved.
1. table rules
Universal table rules - that was once upon a time. «Today, every family develops its own eating culture,» says family counsellor Christine Ordnung from the German-Danish Institute for Family Therapy and Counselling. It's actually great: if you don't value the correct position of cutlery, don't bother. And prefer to use the limited time at the family table for other things. But if you want to start meals together, your mouth is empty for talking or your smartphone is out of reach, this requires clear communication.
Tip: Combine the right cutlery posture with an elegant prince and princess meal. And then have a pig day afterwards.
Parents' ideas are often very vague. Or their expectations are unrealistically high. So it's better to take small steps that are good for everyone. «After all, eating should still be fun,» says Katrin Künzle, who has been offering etiquette courses for children aged 8 to 12 in Switzerland since 2005. Her suggestions: Combine correct cutlery etiquette with a posh prince and princess meal. And then have a pig day where everyone is allowed to eat with their hands.
The main thing is that children are not constantly under observation while eating and are criticised for every little misbehaviour. «Parents realise that you quickly lose your appetite when children turn the tables,» says the etiquette expert.
2. different flavours
Too bitter, too spicy, too sour: for children, many foods are true explosions of flavour because they are born with twice as many taste buds as adults. As pungent berries or bitter parts of plants are often poisonous, this used to be essential for survival. Over the years, children learn by imitation what they can and cannot eat, their sense of taste dulls and their diet becomes more varied. The prerequisite is that parents allow this development.
The aim with food is not for everyone to enjoy everything every day.
Alexandra Heisenberg
But often the following happens: The child doesn't like something (vegetables!), the father or mother cooks an alternative, the child gets used to its children's food and demands it, the parents complain: what a greedy child! «Children aren't actually fussy, they want to eat what the community eats. But when parents fulfil their every special request, they naturally accept it,» says Christine Ordnung.
Parents also have a role model and leadership function when it comes to food. They decide what to buy and cook. «The aim is not for everyone to like everything every day,» says Alexandra Heisenberg.
It's enough if there's one dish on the table - but not everyone has to eat it. «Then the child just grabs a loaf of bread or a muesli. And for the next meal, you can perhaps write a joint shopping list or cook together,» says family counsellor Heisenberg.
5 quick tricks for a more relaxed meal
- It's nice to start eating together. If bread, raw vegetables or olives are already on the table to nibble on, perhaps everyone will manage without protest.
- Kindergarten and primary school children have an enormous urge to move around. Sitting still at the table is a real challenge for them - and may not have to be exhausted until everyone has finished eating.
- If you scoop your own food, you get a feel for the quantity. Children will then also be able to finish their plates.
- Healthy, balanced meals are important. But eating only pasta without sauce for a week doesn't make anyone ill. And exceptions to the healthy lifestyle are also part of good meals from time to time.
- Siblings have to fight a certain number of times a day to mark their territory and establish hierarchies. If families don't have a full schedule every day and only see each other at mealtimes, this bickering can also take place away from the dining table.
3. the mood
The conversations flow, there is a quiet laugh every now and then and everyone enjoys it: this is how a nice dinner with good friends goes.
Parents are responsible for creating a good atmosphere at mealtimes.
Alexandra Heisenberg
This often doesn't work with your own children. Which is why parents have to put up with the question: are they actually good hosts for their children?
«Parents are responsible for creating a good atmosphere at mealtimes,» says Alexandra Heisenberg. The ingredients for this are no different than when you're expecting visitors: You can only create a relaxed atmosphere if you are relaxed yourself.
This also includes planning enough time for shopping, cooking and eating and perhaps cancelling one or two leisure activities. Lighting a candle on the dining table every now and then. Putting down your smartphone because your attention belongs to the people at the dinner table. And choose topics of conversation that everyone feels comfortable with. Questions about school or homework might not be one of them.
