How do I strengthen my child? 11 resilience factors

1. secure binding

The early experience of a secure emotional bond - ideally with at least one parent - establishes what the German-American psychoanalyst Erik Erikson called «basic trust»: trust in the world and in oneself. The experience that one's own needs for protection, security and love are reliably fulfilled from birth strengthens other protective factors that are crucial for healthy psychological development: the child's self-esteem, emotional regulation and social skills. Those who have learnt to rely on others are also more capable of maintaining relationships later on and are able to seek support in difficult times.

2. a participatory parenting style

Resilience research shows: Neither authoritarian parenting nor the laissez-faire principle are conducive to children's development. Participatory or authoritative parenting offers better conditions for developing the skills that are important when dealing with stumbling blocks. It does not rely on withdrawal of love or strict rules, but also does not allow children to do as they please. «An interplay of attachment and guidance,» says Annette Cina from the Institute for Family Research and Counselling at the University of Fribourg. «Attachment forms the basis: the child feels accepted and loved by its parents and knows that it can rely on them. However, children also need to be able to orientate themselves towards their parents. That's why they need to set the direction.» For example, with the help of rules that help structure everyday family life and focus on protecting the child.

The following applies: «What parents really find important is non-negotiable.» But many things are: children should have a say and be allowed to expand this as they develop. It is important that parents demand that agreements are adhered to - and that consequences follow if things don't work out, Cina knows: «The aim of consequences is a learning process: we let children experience the consequences of their actions so that they gradually learn to take responsibility for them. If a child is constantly dawdling in the evening and doesn't get ready for bed, a shortened bedtime story is not a punishment, but a consequence of the fact that there isn't enough time for everything.»

3. social support outside the family

People who believe in us, have our backs and are there when things get tricky: They are worth their weight in gold - and don't necessarily come from our own family. Adults in particular often receive this support from friends or other carers. «What's exciting is that just knowing that they could fall back on this support is often enough to strengthen people in a crisis,» says Isabella Helmreich from the Leibnitz Institute for Resilience Research in Mainz. Numerous studies have shown how important such a network is, especially for children who receive little care at home. However, Helmreich knows that all parents would do well to strengthen this resilience factor - in themselves and their children: «By building up a social network and actively maintaining it, setting an example as parents and also promoting extra-familial contacts among the children; encouraging them to reach out to others and cultivate friendships, for example.»

We should teach our child: What went wrong can be improved.

Friedrich Lösel, psychologist

4. good role models for constructive coping

The laptop crashes, the presentation goes wrong, the traffic jam never ends: «We know how nerve-wracking everyday life can be,» says Friedrich Lösel, Professor Emeritus of Psychology and Criminology and pioneer of German-language resilience research. «It's normal to throw up your hands at times. However, not every annoyance should become a reason to moan.» Anyone who constantly complains about the hardships they are experiencing is giving their child the impression that life is difficult to cope with: «It would be better if you signalled: This is annoying now, but we can still do it. Or: What went badly can be improved.» Psychology refers to this productive and pragmatic way of dealing with disruptive factors as constructive coping. «It doesn't always work,» says Lösel, «but the more often, the better.»

5. active problem solving

It is just as important that we don't avoid difficulties, but face them head on. «Active problem-solving is an important resilience factor,» says resilience researcher Lösel, «and stands in contrast to so-called passive coping - the most extreme form of which is, for example, drowning your sorrows in alcohol.» Here too, Lösel says, parents should be aware of their role model function and address grievances sooner or later without shying away from the unpleasant feelings that could arise. It's about standing up for a decision - also towards the child - or asking others for help when difficulties arise. «You should also keep an eye out if your child often uses avoidance strategies and work with them to find alternatives.»

6. positive thinking

«Whether we perceive a problem as solvable or feel powerless in the face of it depends, for example, on how we assess our personal resources or the support we receive from others,» says resilience researcher Isabella Helmreich. «The ability to see the positive in difficult moments also plays a decisive role.» This optimistic attitude can be trained, «for example, by regularly taking time with children to visualise the experience of positive feelings».

If I know what is important to me, I can control my own life to a certain extent.

Isabella Helmreich, resilience researcher

The evening ritual of looking back on the day together and consciously reflecting on it would be a good idea: What were the good moments? Or the so-called pea exercise: «In the morning, the child puts a small handful of peas in their trouser pocket - and whenever they experience something good, they move one pea into the other. This makes it particularly clear that even difficult days have good moments.»

7. experience of meaning, structure and significance

Do we fundamentally perceive life and our existence as meaningful, plausible and manageable? Do we feel a sense of belonging to the environment that surrounds us? The medical sociologist Aaron Antonovsky once described this type of basic mental state as a «sense of coherence». It is like an inner compass that makes it easier for people to navigate through life and its vicissitudes - as shown by Antonovsky's studies with concentration camp survivors.

«A sense of coherence strengthens other resilience factors such as optimism or self-efficacy,» says psychologist Helmreich, «and it has a lot to do with value orientation: If I know which values are important to me and anchor them in my everyday life - creativity or friendship, for example - I not only derive satisfaction from this, I also experience that I can control my life to a good extent. It's also a good idea to talk about this with children: What is important to you as a person and to us as a family, how can we, can you nurture such things?»

8. experiences of self-efficacy

A cumbersome term commonly used in resilience research is «self-efficacy expectation». This refers to the confidence of being able to overcome challenges on one's own. «Experiences of self-efficacy strengthen the conviction that you are not at the mercy of the course of events, but can actively influence them,» says Jürg Frick, lecturer at the Zurich University of Teacher Education and expert in promoting resilience at school. «To do this, a child needs the opportunity to face challenges.»

Frick advocates «measured» demands that are adapted to the child's stage of development, «which children demand early on, for example by dressing themselves or wanting to help out». He advises parents to encourage children to try things out, even if the jumper is on backwards, and even if a plate gets broken. And to allow them - again in doses - to fail: «Children must learn to break problems down into partial steps and then ask for help when they can't get any further. That doesn't work if parents do everything for them.» It is important to actively ask for the children's help and not to do without «Ämtli» because adults are quicker. «Making a contribution empowers children,» says Frick.

9 Mental flexibility

Because intelligence enables people to solve problems, it is considered an important resilience factor. «However, the focus here is more on practical intelligence than IQ per se,» emphasises Lösel, who investigated the development of children in care as part of the first resilience study in German-speaking countries. «The resilient children in our survey were not highly gifted either; they were characterised by mental adaptability and a realistic view of things.» Mental flexibility can be trained.

We don't have to spare our child negative emotions, but help them to deal with them.

Simone Munsch, psychotherapist

In this regard, Lösel emphasises the beneficial effect of «measured demands», as psychologist Frick mentions in relation to self-efficacy. Basically, children need time to develop mental flexibility; familiar routines are particularly important for the youngest. «Nevertheless, as a family, you can resolve to approach everyday things differently from time to time,» says resilience researcher Helmreich. «Children also benefit when we talk to them about different people, approaches and perspectives and involve them in our own problem-solving considerations.»

10. good emotion regulation

For a young person to be able to mobilise inner strength in difficult situations, they must have learned to endure what feels unpleasant: that the answer is no, the teacher has graded the lecture badly, the neighbour plays better football - without their parents trying to appease them or spare them such moments. «Affect tolerance means the ability to endure immediate, intense and intensely negative feelings,» says Simone Munsch, head of the psychotherapy practice centre at the University of Fribourg. «A lack of affect tolerance plays a key role in mental disorders. It is important that parents provide their children with a training ground for appropriate learning experiences, starting in early childhood.»

A child must learn the ability to name and categorise their feelings in the course of their development. «Parents can help them by mirroring and verbalising their emotions, for example by saying: 'You're angry, aren't you? Or: Nice to see you're happy! The parental ability to respond sensitively to children's needs is of great importance in this learning process.» However, it is often misunderstood, Munsch knows: «It's not about sparing the child negative emotions, but about giving them the support they need to learn to deal with them. Parents should limit themselves to signalling to the child that they are there - and that they are confident that it will be okay. In fact, mums and dads often find this difficult because they believe they have to spare children suffering.»

11. social competence

Knowledge about emotions is also important when it comes to acquiring social skills, which is an important resilience factor. By mirroring and verbalising emotions to their young child, parents help them to develop not only a sense of their own feelings but also those of others over time. Social skills also require us to be able to empathise with others. «This ability sets in from the age of three and paves the way for help and cooperation,» says Moritz Daum, Head of Developmental Psychology at the University of Zurich.

Parents could also support social learning here by making connections verbally tangible for the child: «Look, the girl is crying. She is sad. Do you remember how sad you were when your shovel was taken away?» Later on, the example set by parents is key, says Daum: «How do I treat other people as a mum or dad? Do I listen to others? Do I offer them my support? Children observe closely how parents behave in this respect.»