How can my child become courageous?

It was the first parent-teacher conference that my husband and I had at the kindergarten. Our daughter had been attending the tiger group for six months and felt at home there. She had arrived well, got on well with the other children, was curious and open, reported the nursery teacher. Everything seemed to be going well. But at the end she said something that made me sit up and take notice: «What she finds difficult, however, is standing up for herself. She's quick to let things be taken away from her and doesn't dare to say what she wants or doesn't want,» she said. «It would be nice if she became a bit braver.»

Becoming braver? I was immediately reminded of my kindergarten days. I was a very shy child and the opposite of brave. Was my daughter now also in danger of becoming an insecure child? «We have to get her to be more courageous,» I said to my husband on the way home.

But how do you do that? How can you help your child to overcome their fears and develop courage? Why do some children seem to be braver than others? And what is courage anyway?

Developmental psychologist Moritz Daum from the University of Zurich puts it like this: «Courage arises in a situation that is perceived as dangerous or unsafe. A feeling of fear or discomfort arises. Courage leads to overcoming this feeling and achieving the goal you have in this situation despite the fear.»

Or as the German singer-songwriter Sarah Lesch puts it in one of her songs: «Courage doesn't mean not being afraid. Courage means jumping anyway.»

Courage has many dimensions

In a study published in 2020, psychologists Sara Santilli and Maria Cristina Ginevra from the University of Padua, together with their colleagues, explained what Italian children consider to be courageous. They asked 592 girls and boys between the ages of eight and ten what their bravest experience had been so far. Most of them - around a third - described a physical action as something that required a lot of courage, such as freeing a dog from a thorny hedge.

Moritz Daum is not surprised. «At this age range in particular, courage is often associated with physical activities,» says the developmental psychologist. But there is also psychological, emotional or social courage. «Psychological courage can be shown, for example, when you have stamina. Emotional courage is when you are able to express your feelings, and social courage is when you stand up for yourself or others. This is what is known as civil courage.»

Not every dimension of courage is equally pronounced in a person.

The children in the Italian study were well aware that there are also other types of courage. In addition to physical courage, they also described situations in which they were courageous in a moral or psychological context.

Morally, for example, because they helped a fellow pupil who had been beaten up, and psychologically, because they had the confidence to sing in front of a large audience. What is particularly interesting about the results is the difference between the sexes. Girls reported more physical courage, while boys reported more psychological courage.

German educator and author Susanne Mierau knows that courage can have many dimensions and is perceived differently by children. «For some children, it's brave to shake hands with an aunt they hardly know or to say no when they don't want something. For others, it's not difficult at all.»

Some children are anxious, some are risk-takers

And: not every dimension of courage is equally pronounced in a person. For example, a child in swimming lessons can climb down from the three-metre tower out of fear of jumping, but a little later stand up for his friend who is being teased in the changing room.

There are various reasons why some children are braver than others. When a baby is born, it is born with individual personality traits. «Even in infants, you can see that some are more anxious and others are more willing to take risks,» says Daum. «And the willingness to take risks is closely linked to courage.»

One personality trait that also plays an important role in relation to courage is extraversion. This was shown in a study published by psychologist Peter Muris and his colleagues in 2009. Extraverted children are more active, sociable and enthusiastic, have greater self-confidence and often see fearful situations as a challenge, the researchers from the University of Rotterdam found. The genetically determined personality is then like a «baseline» or a basic requirement that is enriched with many different experiences and knowledge about oneself and one's competences over the course of one's life.

A good bond promotes courage

So one is the disposition, the genetic potential, the other is the environment. The interplay between these two components is responsible for the development of courage.

In the first few years of life, attachment to the closest caregivers is at the centre of a child's development. It plays a central role when it comes to becoming courageous, i.e. learning to overcome fear, stand up for oneself or face new situations. «If a child feels securely attached, knows that its needs will be responded to appropriately and that it is protected, it develops a great deal of trust in itself and its environment,» says Daum. «This is valuable food for the growth of courage.»

A child with a good bond also finds it easier to regulate their emotions. Feelings are taken seriously, named and allowed to be there. This helps a child to be more courageous, says Daum. «After all, courage is nothing more than learning to deal with feelings of fear.»

However, the reverse conclusion - that anxious children are inevitably insecurely attached - does not work. «Some children simply have a very anxious character, and even if they receive a lot of attention and protection, this doesn't change their personality.» It is also possible that a child has anxious parents, who in turn transfer their fears to the child.

If I have a good awareness of dangers, I can overcome them more easily and therefore be courageous.

Susanne Mierau, pedagogue

Susanne Mierau believes that fear often has negative connotations in our society. «Yet it is an important feeling that shows us to be careful or cautious in a certain situation,» says the educator. Maybe you're scared because you could get hurt, or you're scared because you've never visited a friend without your parents. «It's good to feel that. In turn, it's the parents' job to mirror such feelings, i.e. to put them into words and not banish them from everyday life.»

This initially teaches children to recognise their fear or a danger. Over time, they then become better at recognising them.

«The more experiences children can have in this regard, the faster they acquire what is known as risk competence,» says the educator. «This is important for developing courage. If I have a good awareness of dangers, I can overcome them more easily and therefore be courageous.»

Parents are important role models in dealing with anxiety

Children learn by modelling. How parents deal with feelings such as anger, sadness or fear is therefore essential. «It's okay to tell our children when we're scared ourselves, or tell them about the situations in which we were scared as children,» says Mierau. «That helps them immensely.» Ideally, you should not only talk about the fear, but also show your child how to overcome it: «The suspension bridge is really wobbly, it scares me. But I'm going to take a few steps now and see how it feels.»

If a child overcomes their fear and experiences that they have succeeded, then they feel self-efficacious and have the feeling that they can make a difference with their actions. This creates self-confidence. «The child learns that the situation was not as bad as they imagined, and the next time they can fall back on this experience and know that they are capable of overcoming the fear,» says developmental psychologist Daum. Parents should also be aware that it often takes many small steps to overcome a child's fear.

This may be particularly challenging for parents who are willing to take risks and are daring, but have children who are not so daring. It is then particularly important not to demand too much.

Educator Susanne Mierau takes a similar view: «Parents shouldn't expect too much or push the child too hard and should develop a good sense of the child's fears. At the same time, they should also learn not to be too cautious and lure the child out of their comfort zone. This is sometimes a difficult balancing act.»

Parents are therefore not only important when it comes to dealing with anxiety in a healthy way, but should also encourage their children to face challenges.

Children need opportunities to practise courage

As children get older, they find it increasingly easy to overcome fears. According to developmental psychologist Daum, this has to do with brain performance. «This is because the regulation of emotions is very strongly linked to the development of two areas in the brain,» he says. «The prefrontal cortex, the region that controls our behaviour, and the amygdala, where situations are emotionally evaluated and dangers are analysed.»

The more mature these areas are, the easier it is for a child to develop courage. But even if children become braver on their own over time, they still need opportunities to practise courage. «If children don't have the opportunity to put themselves in situations in which they experience a certain amount of uncertainty, where will the feeling of self-efficacy come from?»

Children have a great desire for autonomy and this should not be suppressed.

In other words: We parents must create a framework in which children can move freely in order to approach fearful situations. This is the only way they can develop appropriate risk competence.

Susanne Mierau finds it problematic that children have less and less freedom. In the past, boys and girls often spent hours outside in groups, but nowadays this is rarely the case, she says. Yet children have a great desire for autonomy, which should not be suppressed. «But the urge to move around more freely, especially as children get older, scares many parents, because you «know» what can go wrong,» says Mierau.

But is that really true? Is our world dangerous for children?

In fact, life in this country has never been as safe as it is now, especially for children. Medical care is among the best in the world. And fatal road accidents involving children have been decreasing for years. This is shown by data from the BFU accident prevention advisory centre. In 1980, 1670 children up to the age of 14 were seriously injured, 78 of whom were killed; in 2021 there were 184, two of whom were fatal.

Safety is therefore high. Nevertheless, children today play outside unsupervised less than they used to. A study published in 2016 on behalf of Pro Juventute shows that Swiss children from German-speaking regions play outside without supervision for an average of just 32 minutes, and in French-speaking Switzerland for only around 20 minutes. The children were between five and nine years old. The older they were, the longer they played unsupervised.

The overprotection of some parents is a major problem

Experts like Margrit Stamm criticise the tendency to plan and supervise children's free time more and more. «There are many more overprotective parents today than there were 20 or 30 years ago,» says the professor emeritus of educational psychology and educational science at the University of Fribourg. However, this is mainly seen in the educated middle classes. Excessive care manifests itself in the fact that the parents constantly endeavour to look after the child and fulfil as many needs and wishes as possible. In addition, they are often afraid for their child, always want to control it and remove any difficulties from its path, says Stamm.

Parents would be signalling to their children with this behaviour: «I don't trust you to solve your conflicts yourself, I don't trust you to do it on your own.» Yet it is precisely this feeling of trust that is the key. «When children feel that their parents trust them to do something, they can develop self-confidence,» says Stamm. «And that is the basis for becoming courageous.»

Children sense when their parents are afraid and this can quickly be transferred to them.

Margrit Stamm, educational scientist

However, the educationalist emphasises that she does not want to blame the parents for the behaviour. Overprotection is a structural problem. «We live in a security society today. Danger seems to be lurking everywhere. So how can a mother or father find the confidence that everything will go well?»

Being aware of this would be an important first step. And always reflect on it: Is this really dangerous? Can I trust my child to do this? Can I hold back at first to give them the chance to master a challenge themselves?

A mother confronted with her own fear

Children are enormous seismographs. «They sense when their parents are afraid and this can quickly be transferred to them,» says Stamm. It would therefore be very worthwhile if parents also tried to get a grip on their fears and establish a culture of trust in the family.

I was confronted with my fear when my daughter was due to attend a holiday course. She was now at school and we had booked a one-week circus course that she wanted to do with her friend. One day before the course started, her friend fell ill, so she had to start alone. «There's no way I'm doing this,» she grumbled. I was about to say: «You don't have to, we'll just wait until your friend is well again,» when my husband replied: «Of course you're going, it'll be great.»

If children develop good risk competence, this will help them to assess dangers more realistically as teenagers.

Moritz Daum, developmental psychologist

I bit my tongue and decided to stay out of it. Until the next morning, she said many times that she wouldn't go, but my husband wouldn't be dissuaded. He accompanied her to the course, motivated her and she stayed there. When I picked her up, I was met by a beaming child who didn't want to go.

«The story shows how important different carers are for children,» explains educator Mierau. «One parent may be more anxious, more protective of the child and the other more demanding. It's good for the child's development if they have different behavioural repertoires at their disposal.» For children growing up in single-parent families, this could be an uncle, a teacher or a family friend.

During puberty, it can happen that young people no longer show too little courage, but too much. «Teenage boys in particular tend to be overconfident,» says Moritz Daum. «They overestimate their own skills and don't assess certain situations realistically.»

This also has to do with the different pace of development of girls and boys at this age. Cognitive control and emotion regulation are not yet as mature, which in turn can lead to risky behaviour. «If friends are also involved, it can quickly escalate,» says Daum. Parents can't do much to change this. «But here, too, you can say that if children have developed good risk competence, this helps them to assess dangers more realistically as teenagers,» says the developmental psychologist.

The older young people get, the more important the so-called life skills that they have learnt over time become. Good self-confidence, risk-taking skills and appropriate emotion regulation are essential for developing courage. «At some point, these children will grow up and have to manage on their own,» says Margrit Stamm. «They will benefit greatly from having been given the opportunity to face many challenges and to have learnt again and again: I can do this.»

My daughter is now in second grade. She recently settled a dispute between two classmates in the school playground. Her teacher told me about it at the parents' evening. That's when I realised that she has become a self-confident and courageous girl.