Help, my child is lying!
There is a saying: «A child's mouth speaks truth.» But not for very long. Children learn to «lie» as early as the age of four. At first, the lies are still a little clumsy: «It wasn't me!», four-year-olds claim with fervour, even though they have been observed.
The illusions soon become more sophisticated. The children develop what is known in psychology as a «theory of mind»: They learn that other people have a different level of information about the world than they do. And they discover that they can give another person false information and thus influence their actions.
How exciting when you suddenly realise that your parents are not omniscient and that you can fool them! You just have to experiment with it. My son was four and a half years old when he managed to fib to me for the first time without me realising.
Lying is exhausting and promotes development.
He proudly opened the hand that held the marble and said, «You didn't figure it out! I didn't do it like this anymore.» (He looked to the side with his eyes and grinned - an unmistakable sign that he was cheating). He had learnt to put on a poker face.
Lying demands a lot from children. They have to put themselves in the other person's shoes, weigh up what information the other person has and what they need to give them in order to be believable - and they have to control their facial expressions. In this sense, children's fabulation and fibbing is also a training ground for developing social skills.
Lying, deceiving and fabricating are part of healthy development between the ages of four and six/seven and are nothing to worry about. At this age, you can slowly start to show children that lying is problematic. You might tell them the story of Pinocchio or the boy who always shouted «fire» and talk to them about the consequences of frequent lying.
Between the ages of six and eight, children are increasingly able to distinguish between fantasy and reality, and they become more aware that you shouldn't lie in general because it strains relationships and can harm other people. This also reduces the frequency of lying.
Why is my child lying?
When older children and teenagers lie, it makes sense for parents to take a closer look and think about the reason why a child has to lie. Younger children are more likely to lie in order to gain a personal advantage. They snack on the sly and don't admit it, they play up untruths in front of others to make themselves look better, or enjoy cheating others in a game.
Older children and adolescents usually have more intriguing reasons for not telling the truth. They want to avoid punishment, avoid feelings of shame or protect others. Research shows that when parents react very indignantly or disappointedly to lies, force confessions from the child and punish them when an untruth comes to light or is confessed under pressure, this favours further lying.
Children are usually reluctant to lie. When they realise that they can tell the truth without having to fear serious consequences, it is easier for them to be open with their parents. Several studies have now shown that children are most successful at being honest when parents:
- selbst den Mut haben, ehrlich mit ihren Kindern und anderen zu sein, und für ein offenes Familienklima sorgen;
- das Kind nicht bestrafen, wenn sie es bei einer Lüge ertappen, sondern mit ihm darüber sprechen, weshalb es sich nicht getraut hat, die Wahrheit zu sagen;
- dem Kind mit Wertschätzung begegnen, wenn es den Mut hat, ehrlich zu sein;
- das Kind dabei unterstützen, eine Verfehlung wieder gutzumachen, anstatt es dafür zu bestrafen.
Some children and young people simply misjudge the consequences of the truth. Over the years, several young people have told me that their parents «would be very disappointed» or even «think very differently of them» if they learnt about poor school performance. After a frank discussion, I almost always came to the reassuring realisation that my parents would stand by me and love me even if I didn't meet all their expectations.
How much right to privacy do I want to give my child?
«Hiding something is exactly the same as lying!» a mother said to me when her fifteen-year-old daughter had done something wrong and didn't come to her straight away. During the conversation, it became clear how much it affected the mother that her daughter didn't seem to trust her when they had always had such a close and good relationship.
You don't have to know everything about each other, you can also keep certain things to yourself.
Especially today, when parents often have a close, almost friendly relationship with their children, it hurts some parents when they realise that their children are increasingly taking friends into their confidence in adolescence and that they as parents are slowly being replaced as the most important caregivers.
It is therefore also a developmental step for parents to allow their children more privacy over time and to see it as a gift rather than an entitlement when young people open up.
My mum once said: «You don't have to know everything about each other, you can just keep certain things to yourself.»
She didn't say it to me, but it was an important moment for me. You're allowed to keep things to yourself. What a freedom! This freedom allows you to open up, but you don't have to - which, for me at least, meant that I did it often and gladly.
