«Help! Our daughter is telling lies about our family»

One question - three opinions
Our daughter, 16, has problems at school and consults a psychologist about it. We have now learnt that she is lying through her teeth to him and telling blatant untruths about our family. How should we react?
This is what our team of experts says:
Nicole AlthausIhre Tochter hat beim Psychologen einen geschützten Raum, in dem sie ihre eigene Perspektive auf die Familie darstellt. Die kann durchaus krass von Ihrer eigenen abweichen. Vielleicht aber lügt sie tatsächlich. Verlangen Sie eine Aussprache, am besten eine Familiensitzung beim Psychiater Ihrer Tochter.
Nicole Althaus
Your daughter has a protected space with the psychologist in which she can present her own perspective on the family. This may well be very different from your own. But she may actually be lying. Ask for a discussion, preferably a family session with your daughter's psychiatrist.
Tonia von GuntenStellen Sie sich als Eltern folgende Fragen: Was wissen wir? Was löst das in uns aus? Was könnte der Grund für das Verhalten unserer Tochter sein? Wie geht es ihr? Was vermisst sie? Wie wollen wir Eltern mit der Situation umgehen? Danach setzen Sie sich mit Ihrer Tochter zusammen und erzählen ihr, was Sie beschäftigt. Allerdings müssen Sie bereit sein, sich von ihr auch Dinge anzuhören, die Sie vielleicht schmerzen werden.
Tonia von Gunten
As parents, ask yourself the following questions: What do we know? What does this trigger in us? What could be the reason for our daughter's behaviour? How is she doing? What does she miss? How do we parents want to deal with the situation? Then sit down with your daughter and tell her what is bothering you. However, you must be prepared to listen to things that may hurt you.
Peter SchneiderEine verfahrene Situation. Denn wenn Sie – wie anzunehmen – nicht von Ihrer Tochter selbst erfahren haben, was für einen Seich sie beim Psychologen erzählt, hat die psychologische Behandlung offenkundig ein Leck. Das ist nicht gut. Noch weniger gut wäre es aber, nun um den heissen Brei herumzureden. Bitten Sie also um einen gemeinsamen Termin (mit Ihrer Tochter) beim Schulpsychologen und stellen Sie dort die Situation klar. Es wird dabei wohl vor allem darum gehen müssen, herauszufinden, warum Ihre Tochter solche Unwahrheiten verbreitet.
Peter Schneider
It's a tricky situation. Because if - as we assume - you haven't heard from your daughter herself what kind of nonsense she's telling the psychologist, the psychological treatment is obviously leaking. That's not good. But it would be even less good to beat about the bush now. So ask for a joint appointment (with your daughter) with the school psychologist and clarify the situation there. The main aim will probably be to find out why your daughter is spreading such untruths.


Our team of experts:
Nicole Althaus, 51, is editor-in-chief of magazines and member of the editorial board of "NZZ am Sonntag", columnist and author. She initiated and managed the mum blog on tagesanzeiger.ch and was editor-in-chief of "wir eltern". Nicole Althaus is the mother of two children aged 20 and 16.
Tonia von Gunten, 42, is a parenting coach, educator and author. She runs elternpower.ch, a programme that aims to bring fresh energy into families and strengthen parents in their relationship skills. Tonia von Gunten is married and the mother of two children, 9 and 6.
Peter Schneider, 62, is a columnist, satirist, psychoanalyst, private lecturer in clinical psychology at the University of Zurich and visiting professor for the history and scientific theory of psychoanalysis in Berlin.
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