Help, my child is acting out!
Peter, 56, from Lucerne, is very worried. His daughter's tantrums are escalating more and more often. She is increasingly slipping away from us, he writes to our experts. Does the family need professional help?
One question - three opinions
Our eleven-year-old daughter is acting out more and more often. She already had violent outbursts of anger as a small child, but now it's getting worse. For example, she wants her friend to spend the night with her. We say no, explain why, offer to stay over next week. Our daughter freaks out, cries, shouts at us. It continues in the room, she throws the chair around, throws herself on the floor, the whole programme. It can go on for several hours. I think we need psychological support because our daughter is slipping away from us. My wife is afraid to take this step. What advice would you give us?
Peter, 56, Lucerne
That's what our team of experts says:
It's not easy to learn that the world doesn't always work the way you want it to. Anger often conceals a lot of frustration and powerlessness. And you can understand that. What helps? Calmness, steadfastness, patience. There is not much you can do in the moment of anger. Give your daughter time to calm down. Only talk to each other again when everyone is calm. Listen to her and share your views and opinions. If you have the feeling that the situation is not changing, that the relationship is threatening to break down and that you are overwhelmed, seek help.
We have the same screaming, raging and raging - I have a child of the same age. I like to blame the interruptions on the remodelling of our son's brain. There's a lot going on at the construction site, the synapses are being rewired - this can sometimes lead to short circuits. Nevertheless, take your daughter seriously and make sure you involve her in the conversation. What does she herself attribute her outbursts to? Does she - like my son - not like to be controlled by others? Does she have ideas on how you can avoid arguments as a family? Give your daughter some power back and see what it does to her.
I would advise your daughter to undergo psychological counselling. And counselling for yourself. Your daughter's reactions far exceed what can be described as an individual temperament and seem to me to be in urgent need of treatment. Don't be fooled by the reports circulating in the media about the harmful psychopathologisation of «completely normal children» who are «pumped full» of medication and «sedated». Ritalin or Concerta aren't tentli, but they aren't the devil's drugs either.
The team of experts:
- Annette Cina, 51, works at the Institute for Family Research and Counselling at the University of Freiburg. In her own practice, the psychologist, psychotherapist and mother of three counsels young people and adults. Her research focuses on the prevention of child behavioural disorders, couple conflicts, parenting and stress.
- Andrea Jansen, 44, is the founder of the parenting platform Mal-ehrlich.ch. The journalist, entrepreneur and foundation board member was previously a television presenter and producer at SRF. Andrea Jansen has three children aged 7, 9 and 11. She lives with her family in Hawaii and Zurich.
- Peter Schneider, 66, is a psychoanalyst, columnist and satirist. He used to be a professor of educational and developmental psychology at the University of Bremen and is still a private lecturer in clinical psychology at the University of Zurich. Father and husband of an adult son and an adult wife from and in his first marriage.
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