Guerrilla parents: Why children need more resistance
In my humble experience, bringing up a child means trying to do everything as right as possible and constantly failing. Modern educational psychologists have long since identified the greatest weakness of today's parents: they want too much and too little at the same time. They draw out a precise path for the little ones and then clear all the obstacles out of their way.
At least that's what an educational psychologist explained to me in a recent interview: «You know, children today actually suffer the most from misunderstood encouragement. It's the parents' job to resist and the children's job to rub up against this resistance and fight for freedom.» Not that you didn't start the «adventure of parenthood» with the best of intentions. You like to think of yourself as a fighter for law and order, as the sovereign mother of all principles, a holy Joan of Arc by Triple P's grace (Triple P: «Positive Parenting Programme», editor's note).
Daughter wants to go out, but hasn't done the washing as she promised? Resistance.
But the battle turns out to be a damned war of attrition and the enemy has an all-purpose weapon: love. So you try to get by with the modest means you have. To somehow do it right, not always give in, but still give the children enough room to develop. But you always feel guilty about having done far too much wrong and then you give in. And that makes everything even more wrong.
It's not about right or wrong
That's why the psychologist's words hit me like a realisation. I could have kissed his feet. Resistance - it evokes images of bearded rebels who go into battle for people they believe in, who love the smell of sweat as much as the whip of adrenaline. They gather around a fire in the jungle in the evening and talk about freedom and justice without sarcasm. Even more, who have made the principle of resistance the dominant organising principle of their own lives.
Resistance! That builds character. Where else will the little ones learn to kick the mighty in the arse one day?
It's not about right or wrong. There is no higher law that I have to try to fulfil by virtue of my parenthood. What children need is resistance. Well, if that's all it is. That's guerrilla parenting. Not enough pocket money for the new trainers? Resistance. Daughter wants to go out but hasn't done the washing as she promised? Resistance. The son doesn't want to prepare dinner because he supposedly doesn't know how to make risotto? Resistance.
And even if the new partner launches a surprise attack in order to bring up the educational principles of his own background, you can confidently hold back. He is fighting on the right side. He is fighting for the right cause. Resistance! Even against his own maternal instincts of wanting to protect his children from anything unpleasant. Resistance! That builds character. Where else will the little ones learn to kick the mighty in the arse one day? Long live the revolution! And now back to the agenda.
