How children best resolve disputes without parents
I heard the following story: Two children from the same school class solved puzzles together for weeks. The two of them tried their hand at increasingly tricky tasks and puzzled for all they were worth. In their enthusiasm, they competed until they came to blows. Initially, it was just a disagreement about the most promising strategy. However, as both insisted on their position and began to reproach each other, the mood changed.
This inevitably called the teacher to the scene. But before she could intervene, the two squabblers hurled a vicious insult, whereupon the offended child shouted: «I'll report everything to my mum. She'll write in the parents' chat and then the adults can solve our problem.»
Why am I telling you this? Just recently, psychology professor Peter Gray from Boston College published an article in a renowned scientific journal that triggered a huge media response. The psychological disorders and suicides in children and adolescents, both of which have been increasing significantly for years, are much more related to parental overprotection than to the effects of coronavirus or the current world situation.
The problem with helicopter parents
In his research, Peter Gray refers to the (American) parenting style of «helicopter parenting», in which mothers and fathers swarm around their children in a mixture of intensive care and control. Driven by the fear that their offspring will be denied the leap into higher education, parents from all social classes are obsessed with the idea of early education.
Leaving children to play unsupervised at home, in the courtyard or on the neighbourhood playground - unthinkable. Boredom as a source of creativity is like a nightmare scenario. But most children don't have time to play anyway. Immediately after school, swimming lessons, kung fu, violin lessons and tutoring await them.
We should ask ourselves self-critically: Do we trust in our children's abilities? Do we trust them enough?
For decades, our behaviour towards our children has been characterised by overprotection and the desire to ensure that our offspring receive only the best. Added to this is the social pressure of the «perfect family» and a guilty conscience in some places, because work and other commitments make effective time with the child a rare and all the more precious commodity. And it certainly also contributes to the fact that we find it hard to bear when our own child stumbles, suffers a defeat or is frightened.
It is therefore not surprising that parents often unconsciously resort to emotional pampering and call the company themselves for a taster apprenticeship instead of getting their 14-year-old son to do so. However, they are doing their own offspring a disservice, because for many companies it is a killer criterion if the young people do not call themselves but are represented by their parents on the phone.
Teaching strategies and skills
We should therefore take a look at our own noses and question ourselves critically: Do we trust our children's abilities? Do we trust them enough? Do we make the effort to teach them the necessary strategies and skills instead of simply doing it for them ourselves?
So let's empower our children by practising with them how to formulate their wishes for the taster apprenticeship. Let's respect their decision to discuss the grading with the teacher first before writing the next email. Encourage them to try again if they don't make peace straight away after the argument with their mate. Conflicts are part of life.
The school gives children the tools they need to resolve conflicts and prevent violence.
It would be fatal if, out of sheer concern about bullying, we started to define safe zones in playgrounds where no child is allowed to experience violence. And it would be just as counterproductive if we adults were to take on conflict resolution on behalf of the children in the chats that have been set up.
Overcoming disputes yourself makes you proud
Once again, the magic word is self-efficacy. And this is where schools come into play. With its culture and its tools for conflict resolution strategies and violence prevention, it makes a decisive contribution to children experiencing self-efficacy. Thanks to committed parent participation committees, the school often works closely with parents.
The teacher in the quarrel described at the beginning had a detailed discussion with the two children to get them to deal with the verbal transgressions themselves. They used social stories and comic strip conversations to record what had happened. In these methods, which were developed especially for autistic children , conversations take place like normal conversations, except that you draw at the same time.
The simple drawings tapped into the children's feelings. They found out from each other how the other was feeling and realised of their own accord that the idea of the parents' chat was not a good idea. How on earth could the parents have gained this comprehensive view of the overall situation?
So they decided to end the conflict themselves. At home, they wrote a letter to each other, which they proudly showed to their teacher the following day. Their parents found out nothing. Only the younger brother was told.
