Give in or stand firm?

Katja's daughter spends a lot of time with her best friend. But Katja wants to enjoy her holidays alone with her husband and daughter. Now her friend's family is planning to book a holiday in the same Italian village.

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One question - three opinions

Our 10-year-old daughter wants to spend as much time as possible with her best friend. That's okay with us. But on holiday, we want to be together as a family so that we can get something out of her. Now her friend's family wants to book their next holiday in the same Italian village as us. Our daughter thinks that's great - my husband and I less so. How should we deal with this?

Katja, 42, Baden

That's what our team of experts says:

Anette Cina
Annette Cina
It is often not easy to take your own wishes seriously and possibly disappoint others. But it is necessary for us to be satisfied and in balance. We can only give others space, stand back and do without if we ourselves are more or less satisfied. Therefore: stand up for your needs. If your daughter's friend's family book a holiday in the same place, they are free to do so. However, they are not obliged to spend time together. Your daughter will be able to put up with this. Perhaps you will suddenly feel like doing something together ...
Andrea Jansen
Andrea Jansen
Talk to your friend's parents. You can't forbid them from travelling to the same village, so you need to address the setting openly: Do you have the same ideas about setting boundaries? Do the parents want to go on holiday together and become your new best friends? Depending on the answer, you may have to rebook or feign an irritated appendix. If you do go ahead with the experiment: Plan excursions and arrange «family only» days with your daughter. Then you'll have family time and your daughter's dream will still come true.
Peter Schneider
Peter Schneider
Set priorities. Either your daughter's priorities or yours. It may be possible to find a compromise; however, experience has shown that compromises are easier to find than to maintain. It could be that you have a little more freedom as a couple if your daughter hangs out with her friend, or less because you have one more child on your hands and possibly parents as well. It's difficult to predict or agree how it will turn out. (As you can see, these kinds of group holidays are not necessarily my thing).


The team of experts:

  • Annette Cina, 51, works at the Institute for Family Research and Counselling at the University of Freiburg. In her own practice, the psychologist, psychotherapist and mother of three counsels young people and adults. Her research focuses on the prevention of child behavioural disorders, couple conflicts, parenting and stress.
  • Andrea Jansen, 44, is the founder of the parenting platform Mal-ehrlich.ch. The journalist, entrepreneur and foundation board member was previously a television presenter and producer at SRF. Andrea Jansen has three children aged 7, 9 and 11. She lives with her family in Hawaii and Zurich.
  • Peter Schneider, 66, is a psychoanalyst, columnist and satirist. He used to be a professor of educational and developmental psychology at the University of Bremen and is still a private lecturer in clinical psychology at the University of Zurich. Father and husband of an adult son and an adult wife from and in his first marriage.
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