Fewer arguments with your ex-partner

Seven-year-old Melanie recently stood in front of me with a questioning look on her face and said: «My mum and dad split up because they were always arguing so much. Now mum and dad no longer live together, but they still argue!»

For a moment, I didn't know what to say to that. Melanie obviously no longer understood the world. She had reasoned correctly when she assumed that the arguments between her parents must stop if they were the reason for the separation. However, Melanie, like other children, experiences that the conflicts between her parents do not disappear despite the separation, but may even intensify.

In counselling, parents learn that they themselves are the key to constructive communication.

The authors of the book «Empirische Befunde zur famlienrechtlichen Begutachtung», published in 2019, write that a separation is associated with the hope of escaping arguments and disputes and finally experiencing the peace and quiet in family life that we long for.

However, the reality is usually different, as research and practice show. If parents are already at a high level of conflict before their separation, there is a high probability that they will remain in a strained relationship after the separation, according to the authors' findings.

There is also a greater chance that the children will be drawn into the conflict, which is detrimental to their development. This is why courts or the child and adult protection authorities (KESB) order so-called child protection measures in contentious separation, matrimonial protection or divorce proceedings, which also aim to improve parental communication.

Get professional help at an early stage

At best, it shouldn't even get that far. «My ex-husband and I wanted to know how we could talk about our daughter without the sparks flying,» a separated mum recently told me. «So we sought counselling and now we communicate much more calmly.»

If mothers and fathers whose level of conflict has not increased significantly during the partnership come to counselling at an early stage, destructive communication patterns can be softened in most cases. Parents learn that they themselves are the key to constructive communication.

Communication can be challenging in many ways, depending on what role you are in and what basic life situation and daily form you are in. A separation is a crisis and represents a risk factor for the child's development. However, if the parents manage to communicate peacefully and respectfully despite all the points of contention, the affected children will be emotionally relieved. But that's not all. During counselling, these parents report that they themselves experience less stress and more ease in everyday family life.

With the following five tips, separated couples can find their way to peaceful parental communication:

1. the attitude makes the exchange

Regardless of how separated parents communicate with each other, whether in person, by telephone or in writing, the right attitude is essential for successful parental communication.

In her book «Eltern bleiben nach der Trennung» (Staying parents after separation), published in 2020, psychologist Marianne Nolde talks about developing an attitude based on respect and taking responsibility for one's own feelings and life.

Active «listening» helps you to put your own opinions and needs in the background for a moment.

Respect and responsibility are often mentioned values that are also important to parents when raising children. If they live these values, they will develop a corresponding attitude that they can bring to their communication with parents. «Before I write to our daughter's father, I look at a picture of two martial artists bowing to each other. This reminds me to respect the other person, even if I have the feeling that he is fighting against me,» says one concerned mother.

Other parents report personal items that put them in a respectful mindset and remind them that they have an impact on positive communication.

2. forge the iron when it is lukewarm

Even if you may have heard this phrase several times before: It is worth remembering it at exactly the right time. Conflicts cannot be resolved in their hot phase. Ten years ago, cognitive psychologists at Ruhr University Bochum discovered that people under stress are unable to think in a results-oriented way, as regions of the brain that control goal-oriented behaviour are blocked by the neurotransmitters cortisol and noradrenaline. If you are triggered by a statement from the other parent, your stress level rises and you revert to your usual behavioural patterns.

If you are talking to the other parent in person or on the phone at this point, you should calmly interrupt and postpone the conversation. This is a responsible behaviour because you want to communicate peacefully. If a text message or email makes you upset, you should put the device to one side and consciously take a short break. Breathing exercises, meditation or distraction can often help you to calm down. Only pick up the topic again when you are at peace with yourself.

3. from transmit mode to active listening

In her book, Marianne Nolde mentions the work «The Power of Listening» by family therapist Michael P. Nichols. This is about recognising the other person's point of view, even if you don't share their opinion.

In my parent counselling sessions, I often see how difficult it is to listen. Both parents can literally see that they are just waiting to have their say again without having heard what the other has just said. This is where an attitude of respect can help. Active «listening» helps to put your own opinions and needs in the background for a moment and concentrate on the content of the other parent's conversation. This makes the other parent feel truly heard, which has a positive effect on the overall communication.

4. ask instead of claim, wish instead of accuse

«Tobias can't fall asleep when he comes back from you because he's watching TV or gaming all the time!» Such statements reflect the need to see one's own child grow up healthy - preferably with both parents. The problem here is: If a parent is confronted with a sentence of this kind, they will usually feel attacked. It could be that Tobias also has problems falling asleep with the other parent and doesn't consume that much media. To make communication respectful and peaceful, it helps to ask: «Have you also noticed that Tobias is falling asleep so badly? Do you think it could be related to watching TV or gaming?»

Or: «Every time Louise comes to see me, she's wearing clothes that are far too thin and is ailing.» It is often precisely these issues that cause separated parents to clash. Formulating wishes instead of accusations can help here: «I've noticed that Louise is sickly every time she comes round. Could you please give her more or thicker clothes in future?»

5 And if all else fails

Admittedly, the above tips are linked to the hope that the other parent will also act with the same attitude and that only both can contribute to peaceful communication. Unfortunately, the truth is that people cannot be changed, they can only change themselves if they want to. Mums and dads should therefore see their respective contributions to peaceful parental communication as one of many cogwheels. You should keep your own constantly running in a relaxed manner so that in the end you can say to yourself that you have done your best for peaceful parental communication.