Feelings of guilt: ballast on the soul

Nadja, mother of a seven-year-old and a nine-year-old daughter, is travelling alone, enjoys the time just for herself - and feels selfish towards her children. Shouldn't she be more selfless as a mother? Benno, father of two now grown-up girls, has separated from his wife and hurt his daughters in the process. He can no longer shake off the feelings of having behaved wrongly. Should he have fought for the family?

Delia has a four-year-old son and a two-year-old daughter - and an 80 per cent workload. She is constantly asked whether she would like to spend more time with her children. Is that what she wants? «Duchess Kate, Duchess of Cambridge, do you feel guilty about your three children?»

Parenthood and feelings of guilt seem to be inextricably linked.

«Absolutely,» is the answer to this first question in a radio interview without the slightest hesitation. «And anyone who says they don't is lying,» she adds. She constantly reproaches herself, she says, and is in good company with this answer, especially in great company.

Parenthood and feelings of guilt seem to be inextricably linked. And not just for Duchess Kate, Benno, Nadja or Delia. The topic is omnipresent in blogs, articles and posts, but also in everyday conversations.

If a child behaves very well, the parents are praised: «What a great child. You've done well!» What is meant as a nice compliment to the parents implies the idea that education is graded and that you can pat yourself on the back afterwards when the job is done. But beware, if a child misbehaves and goes off the rails, then of course the parents are also to blame. «What went wrong with his upbringing?» is a common comment.

Anyone entering the «parenting» or «education» section of a bookshop might get the impression that everything parents do can have a negative impact on their children's psyche and therefore their future. Titles such as «Your children are your fault! A kick up the backside for all those who want to be better parents» or «Behavioural problems: is it the parents' fault?» follow each other seamlessly. It's about spoilt children, drug-addicted children, little narcissists and latecomers. Whether the offspring are overweight depends to 35 to 40 per cent on their parents, they say. The parents are irresponsible, argue too much, care too little, care too much, don't let go, are too weak to set boundaries or are not loving enough. They do not encourage the child or overtax it.

Familie Limacher erzählt: «Schuldgefühle sind für mich stark mit ­Mutterschaft verbunden»

It quickly becomes clear that there is no way you can do it right. Feelings of guilt are the logical consequence - be it from the feeling that you could do a lot better in everyday life or because of things that have actually gone wrong in the family. But what are feelings of guilt anyway? How do feelings of guilt arise and what function do they have? As a parent, when do I know that I can safely put these feelings to one side and when should I take action?

An alarm system of the soul

Feelings of guilt are social emotions and arise as a reaction to guilty deeds or fantasies. They refer to social harm and make us realise that our actions do not correspond to our moral principles. In other words, they inhibit us and make us avoid or even make amends. They are a kind of social cement. Something like an alarm system of the soul.

Feelings of guilt help us to navigate ethically through this world.

Psychologist Tina Malti

You could even say that without guilt there would be no civilisation, only the law of the jungle. Or, to put it in the words of German-Palestinian developmental psychologist Tina Malti: «Feelings of guilt help us humans to navigate ethically through this world.»

Feelings of guilt can therefore arise if you have done something morally reprehensible or even legally punishable - stolen, lied, cheated, hit someone. But that is by no means the end of it. In his work, the Swiss psychotherapist, clinical psychologist and psycho-oncologist Jürg Kollbrunner distinguishes between authentic - i.e. justified - feelings of guilt and socially learnt or unjustified feelings of guilt. This is where internalised ideals come into play, social role models, private perfectionism and not speaking up, not being enough.

Feelings of guilt can also arise when you are better off than someone else. Or when you haven't done enough to help someone else. It makes sense that feelings of guilt are therefore excessively present in relationships between parents and children. Because in no other human relationship do we care for each other nearly as much. In no other relationship is unconditional love and care demanded to the point of total exhaustion.

The Austrian psychiatrist and founder of the Institute for Religiosity in Psychiatry and Psychotherapy, Raphael Bonelli, has immersed himself in the topic of «guilt» as part of a training programme for colleagues. He notes: The topic is easy for priests, he says. «There is an objective catalogue of criteria in the Ten Commandments. Then judgement is passed, atonement is made, absolution follows and that's that,» says Bonelli. In non-religious everyday reality, however, there is no simple catalogue of criteria.

Authentic and acquired feelings of guilt

Perhaps this is why entire generations grew up with the golden rule of practical ethics: «Treat others as you would like to be treated.» Or to put it in negative terms: «Do unto others as you would have them do unto you». This credo applies to authentic feelings of guilt, when we are in danger of really being guilty of something.

The whole thing becomes a little more difficult with those who have been brought up. This is because the zeitgeist is changing and we internalise ideals that don't necessarily match our inner truth. This makes it diffuse.

When heaps of presents pile up under the Christmas tree, father of two Remo, for example, is torn between the joy for his children and the feeling that it is all too much, that his sons are overwhelmed, over-indulged and ungrateful. At least that's what the 40-year-old has read. And when he asks his eldest about his first experiences at school, the feeling of being an inadequate father soon emerges. Because in the class, the girl who is already fluent in writing is the boy who is growing up trilingual. «And the one at the front left, he plays the piano really well.» Did Remo really give his child too little support?

Familie Leuenberger erzählt: «Das Bild perfekter Eltern lässt sich im Alltag nicht erfüllen»

Family therapist Daniel Niederberger from the Contact counselling centre in Lucerne would probably answer this question in the negative. «Feelings of guilt - at least the unjustified ones - are a question of the zeitgeist and in some cases didn't exist in this form in previous generations,» he points out. And Remo's father is indeed disconcerted that his son leaves work early three times a week to pick up his boys from after-school care. «I wouldn't have had any time for that,» says 70-year-old Rolf.

He didn't have a guilty conscience about it. «Why should I? I had a family to feed and there was nothing to change about the working hours.» Rolf can't understand why Remo would like to reduce his workload so that he can be more present at home.

Of knowledge and conscience

Of course, feelings of guilt were no stranger 100 years ago. However, different historical developments have meant that raising children has become more complex or multi-faceted since then. Historians and psychologists point in particular to developments in prevention work.

These changes took place particularly in the 1980s, when society became aware of how children and young people can be harmed by neglect, for example, or how they can be protected and educated through more dialogue and awareness-raising.

In addition, the large presence of the open drug scene in the 1990s also left its mark on generations of future parents. The fear of losing their children to drugs led to the creation of a series of prevention centres and services.

Education has become more individualised

Our knowledge of psychology has also expanded considerably in recent decades. We now know that problematic behaviour in adulthood was often preceded by a problematic childhood. We know about traumas and diagnoses. In addition, parents used to see far fewer individual options in parenting. Many things were only socially conformist in a certain way. It was done the way it had always been done.

In the past, parenting was the way it has always been done. Today, parents often have to make the right choice.

There were fewer opportunities, less to eat, fewer rooms, fewer gifts. It was much more often the existential problems that triggered feelings of guilt. This is precisely what makes comparison difficult today. While parents back then couldn't seem to help what their children were denied, today it is often a question of moderation, the right choice and when it is too much.

Even before your child is born, you are confronted with a huge amount of parenting advice. Then it's time to start nurturing your child. In addition to nursery and school, music, sport, dance and getting to know other cultures are also a must. All of this places demands on mothers and fathers today.

There is a constant confrontation with the fact that you could do more to give your child the best conditions. Our society has learnt that optimisation works. Education is no exception. The many offers and parenting methods also create a momentum of their own among parents. In good will, they give each other tips and build up additional pressure.

What effect do the feelings of guilt of working mothers have on children?

In a study conducted by the University of Bonn, primary school children were asked about their views on their mothers' employment. The children's attitude was very positive, which is consistent with findings from other surveys in recent years, in which the majority of children expressed pride in their mothers' employment.

According to the study, the children's own view of their mothers' employment and corresponding absence from work proved to be very significant for the expression of feelings of guilt. A negative view of the mother's employment had a detrimental effect on the child's well-being. If, on the other hand, the child is taught a positive, natural way of dealing with the mother's employment, the mother's inner feelings of guilt are not particularly significant for the child. These findings can be transferred to everyday life:

• Do not emphasise work-related feelings of guilt to the child.
• People around the child should not make negative comments about the mother's occupation.

The flood of good tips as part of the problem

Acquaintances, family, books and the internet are sometimes intrusive in showing parents what is right and wrong in parenting. Jürg Kollbrunner says: «Dealing with possible parenting mistakes almost seems to have become a collective addiction among parents.» However, this flood of well-intentioned advice, tips and personal experience is often part of the problem. Kollbrunner explains: «Good advice often has the effect of indirect accusations, which can be subliminally perceived more negatively than direct ones.»

In addition, there are endless parades of fit and chic Instagram mums beaming at us from perfect nurseries with their stylish children, nappy-free, attachment parented and best friends with their parents as teenagers. «They make us believe that they always put their children at the centre of everything, that they love them much more than their jobs and that money doesn't matter because they simply have it,» says Margrit Stamm, Professor Emeritus of Educational Psychology and Educational Sciences at the University of Fribourg and Director of the Swiss Education Research Institute in Aarau.

In order to separate internalised ideals from the inner truth, Raphael Bonelli addresses the importance of not pushing our feelings of guilt to one side, but rather examining them as a kind of warning signal: For the sake of the children, should we have communicated differently during the separation, should we have been at home more? Should you not have scolded them so loudly? Is there justifiable guilt being displayed or has it been instilled by ideals from films, literature and advertising?

Behind acquired feelings of guilt is someone whose loss of love we fear.

The so-called authentic feelings of guilt arise when we actually harm someone else or ourselves. Science speaks of intuitive awareness, an inner pain with which we react to our own misbehaviour. This is in contrast to acquired feelings of guilt. They were instilled in us to make us behave in a certain way.

For example, to always think of others first instead of ourselves. This becomes problematic if you feel guilty about it - without justification. And as constant feelings of guilt are inhibiting and emotionally draining, at some point they not only disturb the person who is plagued by these feelings, but also those around them. This is because chronic guilt can lead to sleep disorders, aggression or depression, among other things.

Acting against the best interests of the children?

Behind the unjustified feelings of guilt is a society or an authority figure whose loss of love we fear. Identifying and reflecting on these feelings can help us not to perceive them so intensely in the future.

Justified feelings of guilt, on the other hand, should not simply be brushed aside. After all, it would be wrong to assume that parents would never consciously act against the best interests of their children, says Jürg Kollbrunner. Parents make mistakes too. Be it out of convenience or because of poorly verified fixed ideas such as «a few spankings never hurt a child». Or simply because they are overwhelmed.

When four-year-old Max was defiant, when he could no longer be calmed down, his mum Nina sometimes didn't know what to do. When her words could no longer get through to him and his despair turned to anger, her hand slipped. He was quiet after that. As was she. The drama was over, but the lump in her throat was still there.

Recognising the root of guilt

Questioning feelings of guilt is important in order to admit to yourself things that you have actually done wrong or could have done better. It's about recognising the root cause and what you can work on.

An apology can help you to experience forgiveness - from the other person or from yourself.

Nina had seen a poster about violence. It had a telephone number where you could get help if you thought you couldn't control yourself. The poster was intended for men, but Nina called anyway and was quickly referred. You should get help as soon as you feel that you are losing control, as soon as you know that you are doing something that is causing pain to others or yourself. And when you can no longer stand yourself.

This help can initially only consist of anonymous conversations. It involves saying what you have done and not being condemned for it, but instead receiving support in changing the situation. An apology can help you to experience forgiveness - from the other person or from yourself.

Benno Roth* erzählt: «Mit der Trennung wuchsen bei mir die Schuldgefühle»

«If we understand the guilt behind feelings of guilt, we can not only regret our fault, apologise, ask for forgiveness and try to make amends, but we can also learn to avoid culpable behaviour in the future,» emphasises Jürg Kollbrunner. Or we can realise that the guilt is not as serious as we thought.

What distinguishes a guilty conscience from feelings of guilt?

A sense of guilt is the clear feeling of having incurred a debt, whereas a guilty conscience consists only of a hunch. When you feel guilty, you are convinced that you are guilty and therefore take responsibility. Regardless of whether there is objective guilt or not.

A guilty conscience, on the other hand, is when you suspect guilt but try to avoid recognising it. So if you take your sense of foreboding seriously, you consciously factor it into your decisions and feel guilty. Those who suppress their sense of foreboding («I didn't do anything») hope that nobody will react to it and that they will be spared having to take responsibility. Nevertheless, a guilty conscience can still plague you.

Awareness plays a particularly important role in raising children. Parents often experience situations in which they demand something from the child - even if it is a request or garnished with explanations - not because it would be good for the child, but because it is more convenient for the parents. If such minor dishonesties occur repeatedly, they create insecurity in the child and a guilty conscience in the adult.